2009-2010 school year
August 24, 2009
· The simplest schoolboy is now familiar with truths for which Archimedes would have given his life.—Ernest Renan
· When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
· Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.—A. Non
· Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.—Doug Larson
· I never did very well in math—I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.—Calvin Trillin
· My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.—Woody Allen
· WOD: Perorated-v-To speak or expound at length; to declaim.
· AWOD: Teacher-n-someone who talks in other people’s sleep
· LYRIC: “Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (turn and face the strain)”—David Bowie: Changes
· SAY WHAT: STAR TIN TOOL WHO SUN UP (starting to loosen up)
“back to school”
Our summer’s now over, and that’s how it goes.
We’re all back at school in nice pretty rows.
You students are sad,
We teachers aren’t glad
But at least we look great in our back-to-school clothes.
8-26-09 (Recycled from October 1, 2002)
· The numbers are a catalyst that can help turn raving madmen into polite humans. –Phillip Davis
· A brain is as strong as its weakest link.
· A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he is finished.
· The father of the bride should realize he isn’t losing a daughter, but gaining a bathroom.
· If you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall
· ESCHEW OBFUSCATION
· WOD: Obfuscation-n-something that is vague, confusing, or unclear.
· AWOD: Positive-adj.-mistaken at the top of one’s voice
· LYRIC: “That same old crowd was like a cold dark cloud that we could never rise above.”—The Eagles, Best Of My Love
· SAY WHAT: ATE OOZE TORE HE OWLS (a two-story house)
“halves and halve nots”
Archimedes, the well known truth-seeker,
Jumping out of his bath, cried "Eureka!"
He ran half a mile,
Wearing only a smile,
And became the very first streaker.
08-31-09 (Recycled from October 3, 2002)
· One of the endlessly alluring aspects of mathematics is that its thorniest paradoxes have a way of blooming into beautiful theories. –Phillip Davis
· If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. –Newton
· If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders.—Hal Abelson, MIT
· One man’s wage rise is another man’s price increase.
· A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. –C.E. Ares
· Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. –Anthony Burgess
· WOD: Moiety-n- An indefinite part; a small portion or share
· AWOD: Bargain-n-something you don’t need at a price you cannot refuse
· LYRIC: “Though it's just a memory, some memories last forever.”— Rush, Lakeside Park
· SAY WHAT: LIE COMBAT OW! TOE FELL (like a bat out of hell)
My foreshadowing I write distinctly,
Denouement, I can write in a blink, see,
And when irony beckons,
I can write it in seconds,
But I can't finish limericks succinctly
September 3, 2009 (Recycled from O)ctober 7, 2002
· It is said that WWI was the chemists’ war and WWII was the physicists’ war. WWIII (may it never come) will be the mathematicians’ war. –Davis and Reuben Hersh
· The eyes only see what the mind is prepared to comprehend. –Henri Bergson
· You never saw a fish on the wall with its mouth shut. –Sally Berge
· $100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000, by which time it will be worth nothing. –Lazarus Long
· Nothing arouses more hope than the first four hours of a diet.
· If I’m not back in five minutes, wait longer. –Ace Ventura, pet detective
· WOD: Inchoate-adj-rudimentary, basic, fundamental
· AWOD: Puritanism-n-the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
· LYRIC: “All I know is what I've been sold.”—Bon Jovi, I Believe
· SAY WHAT: THESE MOE KING HUN (the smoking gun)
“its one thing after another”
A student was filled with elation
while solving a quadratic equation
but he only wrote "b"
(dropped the negative, see?)
and henceforth was filled with frustration
September 8, 2009 (Recycled from October 9, 2002)
· Mathematics is the only instructional material that can be presented in an entirely undogmatic way.—Max Dehn
· The difference between a successful person and others is not lack of strength or knowledge, but a lack in will.—Vince Lombardi
· ALL GENERAL STATEMENTS ARE FALSE (including this one)
· 5/4 of all people are bad with fractions.
· GIVE ME AMBIGUITY!! OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE!!
· ERROR: www.Breakfast.com halted. Cereal port not responding.
· WOD: Accede-v-to give one’s consent, to give in or concede.
· AWOD: Psychiatry-n-The care of the Id by the odd.
· LYRIC: “Love is a rose, But you better not pick it. It only grows When it's on the vine.”—Neil Young: Love is a Rose
· SAY WHAT: ALE OF HUFF AIR (a love affair)
Black Holes are fantastic creations
Whose physics defy explanations
Time and space they so bend
Such that few comprehend
The gravity of these situations!
September 11, 2009 (Recycled from October 11, 2002)
· Begin at the beginning and go on until you come to the end.—Charles Dodgson (Lewis Carroll)
· If you’re going through hell, keep going.—Winston Churchill
· Misquotations are the only quotations that are ever misquoted.—Hesketh Pearson (I think)
· I wrote a song about dental floss, but did anyone’s teeth get cleaner?—Frank Zappa, commenting on Parental Warning Labels
· KANSAS: THE FIRST OF THE RECTANGLE STATES!
· The other night, I dreamed that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.—Steven Wright
· WOD: Ineffable-adj-indescribable, unspeakable, unutterable, taboo
· AWOD: Cynic-n-a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing
· LYRIC: “I want to be. I want everything!”—Buckcherry
· SAY WHAT: THUG YET HIS BURGER DRESS (the Gettysburg address)
“I am in trouble”
Even in bed, Descartes did use his brain
To analyze events mundane
When he saw a fly,
He asked himself, “Why?”
And invented the Coordinate Plane.
09-15-09 (Recycled from October 15, 2002)
· You’ll come to learn a great deal if you study the insignificant in depth.—Odysseus Elytis
· The essence of learning is change, behavioral changes in people. To learn, a person must want to change, to be better, to do differently, and this resistance does not occur without resistance.—Lloyd Cook
· You can lead a boy to college, but you can’t make him think.
· HELP STARVE A FEEDING BUREAUCRAT
· Women like quiet men. They think they are listening.—Marcel Archard
· For a good prime, call 1-800-333-0923
· WOD: Repose-v-to empower with trust and confidence.
· AWOD: Cuisine-n-like normal food, but smaller portions at higher prices.
· LYRIC: “Sometimes you’ve got to close your eyes to see.”—Bon Jovi
· SAY WHAT: MISS TURN HIGH SKY (mister nice guy)
“without a doubt”
And that e to the i pi equation
It's not much a spoiler,
That man's name was Euler.
Mathematics was his chief vocation.
September 17, 2009 (Recycled from October 17, 2002)
· I was years old in the year .—DeMorgan, when asked his age.
· Greatness is hard to recognize up close. The great mountain on the horizon is only the ground when you’re standing on it.
· Knowledge is the piling up of facts. Wisdom lies in their simplification.
· ASK ME ABOUT MY VOW OF SILENCE.
· Found on Amish bumper sticker: CAUTION, Don’t Step In Exhaust.
· If you never fail, you’re not trying hard enough.
· WOD: Rapscallion-n-a rascal, scamp, or worthless scoundrel.
· AWOD: Compromise-n-the art of dividing up a cake in such a way that each person thinks he has the biggest piece.
· LYRIC: “The bugle sounds as the charge begins, but on this battlefield no one wins.”—Iron Maiden: The Trooper
· SAY WHAT: CHAIN SOLVE FAD DRESS (change of address)
In silence I stood on the beach
Another world just out of reach
I looked at the sky
And wished I could fly
Mocked by a grey seagull's screech
September 22, 2009
· I wrote a few papers on Koszul algebras, but I really don't understand the definition of Koszul algebras.—Takayuki Hibi
· Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers –Voltaire
· I saw a subliminal advertising executive. But only for a second.—Steven Wright
· You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.—Joan Rivers
· Parents aren’t quite interested in justice. They are interested in quiet.—Bill Cosby
· His first resume didn’t get him the job, but it did win him the Pulitzer Prize for fiction.
· WOD: Maudlin-adj-effusively sentimental; easily moved to tears.
· AWOD: Bulletin-n-a pamphlet of parish information read during the homily/sermon.
· LYRIC: “You’re my perfect disease.”—Five Finger Death Punch
· SAY WHAT: PLEA SLEEVE AMASS ITCH (please leave a message)
STEP PETS PETS
“one step forward and two steps back”
There once was a lady from Trent
Whose nose was most horribly bent
One day I suppose
She followed her nose
And nobody knows where she went
· Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.
· The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.—Ferdinand Foch
· The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.—Robert Bloch
· No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
· The best way to keep teenagers at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires.—Dorothy Parker
· I took my parents to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.—Margaret Smith
· WOD: Moue (moo)-n-Pout; grimace.
· AWOD: Cynicism-n-intellectual treason.—Norman Cousins
· LYRIC: “Once we looked at flowers, now we ask the price of land”.—Rush, I Think I'm Going Bald
· SAY WHAT: DONUT HAWK TWOS TRAIN JAZZ (do not talk to strangers)
ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO
ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO
ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO
ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO ADO
“much ado about nothing”
A tutor who tooted the flute
tried to tutor two tooters to toot
said the two to the tutor,
"is it tougher to toot, or
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
October 6, 2009
· You may be an engineer if your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.—Anon
· Any fool can make a rule and any fool will mind it.—Henry David Thoreau
· I have some very rare photographs. One is of Houdini locking his keys in his car.—Steven Wright
· We need a twelve-step program for compulsive talkers. They could call it On and On Anon.—Paula Poundstone
· If you allow me to look at my notes during my speech, I’ll permit you to look at your watches.
· My parents were a little over-protective of me. Growing up, I had the only tricycle on the block with training wheels.
· WOD: Coeval-adj-Having the same age or duration.noun: A contemporary.
· AWOD: Accountability-n-the mother of caution.—Ambrose Bierce
· LYRIC: ”Life is a placebo, masquerading as a smile.”— They Might Be Giants, Lie Still, Little Bottle
· SAY WHAT: WIDE HIDDEN CHEWS HAZE HOE (why didn’t you say so)
There was an old man
From Peru, whose lim'ricks all
Look'd like haiku. He
Said with a laugh "I
Cut them in half, the pay is
Much better for two."
October 8, 2009
· Newton’s peculiar gift was the power of holding continuously in his mind a purely mental problem until he had seen it.—J.M. Keynes
· Ability hits the mark where presumption overshoots and diffidence falls short.—Golda Meir
· One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”—Steven Wright
· I went to the thirtieth reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.—Wendy Liebman
· I just finished writing a book. One critic stated, “Once you put it down, you just can’t pick it up again.”
· One advantage of bowling to golf is that you very seldom lose the ball.
· WOD: Diffidence-n-timidity or shyness
· AWOD: Battle-n-a method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.—Ambrose Bierce
· LYRIC: “There’s nothing you can do about your shadows”—Bruce Dickinson: Accident of Birth
· SAY WHAT: WAND DOLL IRAN DENSE HENCE (one dollar and ten cents)
There once was a man from Kentucky
Who fancied himself so unlucky
For despite all the time
He spent searching for rhymes
He ran out of rhymes for Kentucky L
October 13, 2009
· The mathematician is entirely free, within the limits of his imagination, to construct what worlds he pleases.—John Sullivan
· The more you reason, the less you create.—Raymond Chandler
· The boss said, “I’m sorry, but if you take two hours for lunch today, I’ll have to do the same for every man whose wife gives birth to quintuplets.”
· I took “Introduction to Shakespeare” in college, but I was terribly disappointed. He never showed up the whole semester.
· It’s time to diet if you thing gravy is a beverage.
· Our offensive line is so good, even our running backs can’t get through it.—Bill Petersen
· WOD: Sanguine-adj-Cheerfully optimistic or confident; having a healthy, reddish color
· AWOD: Collateral-n-veritable proof that one already has all the money in hand one needs to borrow.
· LYRIC: “The world is collapsing around our ears, I turned up the radio, but I can't hear.”—REM, Radio Song
· SAY WHAT: HISS STATUE GNAW KING (is that you knocking?)
“burst into tears”
One day baby Gauss was quite blue
'till his teacher gave him work to do;
"Find the sum of the numbers
from one to one hunders."
"N squared plus N over 2!"
October 23, 2009
· There are two types of mind ... the mathematical, and what might be called the intuitive. The former arrives at its views slowly, but they are firm and rigid; the latter is endowed with greater flexibility and applies itself simultaneously to the diverse lovable parts of that which it loves.—Blaise Pascal
· It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument.—William Macadoo
· I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”—Demetri Martin
· I wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.—Mitch Hedberg
· To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand?,’ you can say, ‘Sorry, got these sacks.’—Jack Handey
· 95 percent of this game [baseball] is half mental.—Yogi Berra
· WOD: Gimcrack-n-something cheap and showy of little use.
· AWOD: Technology-n-things invented after you were born.—Alan Kay
· LYRIC: “Throw off those chains of reason, and your prison disappears.”—Rush: Dionysus
· SAY WHAT: EGGS HEARSE SIZED HAY LEE (exercise daily)
“it’s on the tip of my tongue”
I have a slight problem, you see
I admit, I have A.D.D.
So it's hard to design
A limerick that rhymes
When things alwa--ooh, look, a kitty
October 27, 2009
· It is as if mathematics were the vegetables of the academic dinner: Everyone knows that they are good for you, but no one forces you to eat them.—Timothy S. Norfolk
· Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.—A.H. Weiler
· An irate speeder told the cop, “Why don’t you people get organized? First you take away my driver’s license and the next day you ask to see it!”
· I have a really tremendous doctor, but I have trouble getting sick between his vacations.
· He left his coaching job because of illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of him.
· I’m so out of shape. I went jogging the other day and was given a citation for loitering.
· WOD: Clishmaclaver-n-gossip; idle or foolish talk (courtesy of Emily Voges)
· AWOD: Economist-n-a person put on this earth to make forecasters look good.
· LYRIC: “Here's to the few who forgive what you do, and the fewer who don't even care.”—Leonard Cohen: Night Comes On
· SAY WHAT: STATE WHO THEIR HEIGHT (stay to the right)
There once was a poet named Gunderson
Whose rhyme schemes were all very cumbersome.
With each botched refrain,
he'd be heard to exclaim,
"Oh, how do I get myself into these situations?!"
October 30, 2009
· If a 'religion' is defined to be a system of ideas that contains unprovable statements, then Gödel taught us that mathematics is not only a religion, it is the only religion that can prove itself to be one.—John Barrow
· Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.—James F. Byrnes
· He made his fortune early in life by selling matches to impatient Boy Scouts.
· The chief flaw in my golf game is that I stand too close to the ball after I hit it.
· My son keeps a hamster in his room. At first the smell was terrible—but the hamster got used to it.
· My wife and I have a mutual understanding: I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.
· WOD: Tenebrous-adj-dark and gloomy.
· AWOD: Exception-n-a thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc.—Ambrose Bierce
· LYRIC: "One and one and one is three."—The Beatles: Come Together
Tricking and treating's a prank
but somebody really should thank
the Gods for the candy
to dentists it's dandy
they laugh all the way to the bank!
November 6, 2009
· We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?—Niels Bohr
· Have you ever observed that we pay much more attention to a wise passage when it is quoted than when we read it in the original author?—Philip G. Hamerton
· The best way to pay for your kid’s college is to start a college fund when they are very young, contribute to it regularly, then just when they’re ready to enter college, rob a bank.
· I complained to my doctor that my nose was sore. He told me to stay off of it for a couple of weeks.
· My pastor is so great. The end of each of his sermons is followed by a great awakening.
· Raisins are important. Without them, thousands of gingerbread men wouldn’t be able to see.
· WOD: Malacophonous-adj-having a soft voice
· AWOD: Atheism-n-a non-prophet organization.
· LYRIC: “Late at night a big ole house gets lonely, I guess every form refuge has its price.”—Eagles: Lyin’ Eyes
· SAY WHAT: AIM HILLY HINDU JUAN (a million to one)
M NN E
“three blind mice”
By using illogic like that
I could prove that a dog is a cat
Times zero equates
Then divide to restate
That dog equals cat, look at that!
November 9, 2009
· My special pleasure in mathematics rested particularly on its purely speculative part.—Bernhard Bolzano
· Spoon feeding, in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon.—E. M. Forster
· I just got my bill for my stay in the hospital. Now I know why the surgeons wear masks.
· Wife: “Why won’t you play golf with George anymore?” Husband: “Would YOU play with someone who puts down the wrong score and moves the ball when you’re not looking??? Well, neither will George!”
· I’ve consolidated all my debts into one payment. At least now I’m paying all my bills except one.
· It took Brahms 5 years to compose his memorable lullaby. He kept falling asleep at the piano.
· AWOD: Wristwatch-n-a device worn on the arm that tells you you’re late.
· LYRIC: “I gave up on the past ‘cause it’s unforgiving.”—Blue October: Picking Up The Pieces
· SAY WHAT: PATCH AAH MOP HEART EASE (pajama parties)
There was a man from Tampa Bay
And another from Chateauguay,
One from Sienna,
One from Vienna,
(Originality's not my forte)
November 11, 2009
· Mathematics as we know it and as it has come to shape modern science could never have come into being without some disregard for the dangers of the infinite.—David Bressoud
· "Faith" is a fine invention / For gentlemen who see -- / But microscopes are prudent / In an emergency.—Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)
· I think it will be a clash between the political will and the administrative won’t.—Jonathan Lynn
· As Noah’s wife once told him, “I’d sure feel a lot more relaxed if those termites were in a special container.”
· It is greatly to Mrs. Patrick Campbell’s credit that, bad as the play was, her acting was worse.—George Bernard Shaw
· I know of a protester who went nine days without food or water. Finally he asked for a different waiter.
· WOD: Spurtle-n-a wooden stick for stirring porridge.
· AWOD: Tomorrow-n-one of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
· LYRIC: “When life is a bitter pill to swallow, you gotta hold on to what you believe.”—Bon Jovi: Born to Follow
· SAY WHAT: EAST HEART EDIT (he started it)
The ad said, “for one little fee,
You can skip all that course-work ennui.
So send your tuition,
For boundless fruition!
Get your mail-order physics degree!”
November 17, 2009
· There are no problems, just pauses between ideas.—The Brotherhood of the Rose
· Don't surrender your loneliness / So quickly. / Let it cut more deeply. / Let it ferment and season you / As few human / Or even divine ingredients can.—Hafez, poet (1315-1390)
· He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it, hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.—C.S. Lewis
· I just spent an hour talking with Tallulah (Bankhead) for a few minutes.—Fred Keating
· I read part of it all the way through.—Sam Goldwyn
· He used to be miserable and depressed, but he’s turned that all around. Now he’s depressed and miserable.
· WOD: Lentiginous-adj-covered with freckles.
· AWOD: Technology-n-the knack of so arranging the world that we need not experience it.—Max Frisch
· LYRIC: “My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue. An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view.”—Carole King: Tapestry
· SAY WHAT: WROUGHT INTO THICK OAR (rotten to the core).
Your units are wrong! cried
Your church weighs six joules — what a feature!
And the people inside
Are four hours wide,
And eight gauss away from the preacher!
Friday, November 20, 2009
· To ask the right question is harder than to answer it.—G. Cantor
· I have ever hated all nations, professions, and communities, and all my love is toward individuals. -Jonathan Swift, satirist (1667-1745)
· He brought to every one of his roles this quality of needing the money.—Stephen Fry
· I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.—E.V. Lucas
· Should not the Society of Indexers be known as Indexers, Society of, The?—Keith Waterhouse
· My teacher told us biology was important because when we got out of school, we never knew when an important client might ask us to dissect a crayfish.
· WOD: Nihilarian-n-one who does useless work.
· AWOD: Advertising-n-the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it.—Stephen Leacock
· LYRIC: “I know I'm unlovable, you don't have to tell me. I don't have much in my life, but take it, it's yours.”—The Smiths, Unlovable
· SAY WHAT: CALL TREAD AND HID (caught red-handed)
To figure the inches you’ve
Or to find the slug mass of the sun,
Forget your aversion
To unit conversion.
Just multiply (wisely!) by 1.
December 2, 2009
· Mathematics compares the most diverse phenomena and discovers the secret analogies that unite them.—Jean Baptiste Joseph Fourier (1768-1830)
· The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.—Isaac Asimov, scientist and writer (1920-1992)
· Before you throw out my old files, be sure to make a copy of everything.—Sam Goldwyn
· Of course not, but I’m told it works even if you don’t believe in it.—Niels Bohr, when asked if he thought a horseshoe over his door would bring good luck.
· Macaulay has occasional flashes of silence that make his conversation perfectly delightful.—Sydney Smith
· I bought a horse. In its first race, it went out at 25-to-1. The only problem was that all the other horses left at 12:30.
· WOD: Acnestis-n-the part of the body one cannot reach to scratch.
· AWOD: Obesity-n-a widespread condition.—Joseph O. Kern
· LYRIC: “Scars are souvenirs you never lose.”—Goo Goo Dolls: Name
· SAY WHAT: SCENE CURSE WHIM (sink or swim)
The skill to do math on a page
Has declined to the point of outrage.
Equations, you see
Are solved with TI-83s,
And on birthdays we don't know our age.
December 10, 2009
· The mathematician's patterns, like those of the painter's or the poet's, must be beautiful; the ideas, like the colours or the words, must fit together in a harmonious way.—Godfrey Harold Hardy
· Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.—H.G. Wells
· She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.—W. Somerset Maugham
· If you go to a restaurant, be sure to get a table near a waiter.
· Expenditures rise to meet income.—C. Northcote Parkinson
· I read the Times, and if my name is not in the obits, I proceed to enjoy the day.—Noel Coward
· WOD: Draconian-adj-unusually harsh.
· AWOD: Censorship-n-like an appendix: useless when inert and dangerous when active.—Maurice Edelman
· LYRIC: “Now some they do and some they don't And some you just can't tell And some they will and some they won't With some it's just as well.”—Supertramp: Good-by Stranger
· SAY WHAT: AID US TIER OWED (a dusty road)
“open and shut case”
A blizzard blew in Christmas eve,
and just as St. Nick went to leave,
"That's great," Santa said,
"I'm off back to bed,
it's lucky I'm just make-believe!"
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
· The student of mathematics has to develop a tolerance for ambiguity. Pedantry can be the enemy of insight.—Gila Hanna
· The propagandist's purpose is to make one set of people forget that certain other sets of people are human.—Aldous Huxley, novelist (1894-1963)
· Seen at a store: Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
· Overheard at home: What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
· “Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!”—Ogden Nash
· The 3 stages of man: 1) He believes in Santa Claus. 2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. 3) He is Santa Claus.
· WOD: Machiavellian-adj-characterized by cunning, deception, and expediency.
· AWOD: Subordinate clause-n-one of Santa’s helpers.
· LYRIC: “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.”—Various artists
· SAY WHAT: FOREST TEA THUS NO MAIN (frosty the snowman)
NO WAYS IT WAYS
“no two ways about it”
Thursday, January 07, 2010
· The mathematical phenomenon always develops out of simple arithmetic, so useful in everyday life, out of numbers, those weapons of the gods: the gods are there, behind the wall, at play with numbers.—Le Corbusier
· Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.—Oscar Wilde
· I won’t deny anything I did not say.—Brian Mulroney
· One think talk can’t accomplish, however, is communication. This is because everybody’s talking too much to pay attention to what anyone else is saying.—P.J. O’Rourke
· The place smelt like apple-scented air freshener, not like apples, but like a committee’s idea of what apples smell like.—Joseph O’Connor
· Do not on any account attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once.—W.C. Sellar
· WOD: Manichean-adj-Of or relating to a dualistic view of the world, dividing things into either good or evil, light or dark, black or white, involving no shades of gray.
· AWOD: Recession-n-when your neighbor loses his job. Depression-n-when you lose yours.—Harry Truman
· LYRIC: “Aim from the heart. Some will love and some will curse you.”—Bon Jovi: Stick To Your Guns
· SAY WHAT: MOWER THIN HIKE HANDSTAND
“up in arms”
A student as smart as could be
Had to integrate x to the 3
He said "x to the 4
over 4, I am sure"
But was off by a constant of C.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
· Power is only important as an instrument for service to the powerless.—Lech Walesa, human rights activist, Polish president, Nobel laureate (b. 1943)
· Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity.—Albert Einstein
· I’m trusting in the Lord and a good lawyer.—Oliver North
· He was a chubby little chap who looked like he was poured into his clothes and forgot to say “When.”—P.G. Wodehouse
· It’s a funny old world—a man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.—Walter de Leon
· He was a sophistical rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.—Benjamin Disraeli
· WOD: Roustabout-n-A casual or unskilled laborer, especially on an oil rig.
· AWOD: Trickle-down theory of Economics-n-the less than elegant metaphor that if one feeds the horse enough oats, some will pass through to the road for the sparrows.—J.K. Galbraith
· LYRIC: “Quick to judge, quick to anger Slow to understand Ignorance and prejudice And fear walk hand in hand.”—Rush: Witch Hunt
· SAY WHAT: BEAR OMIT TRICK PRAY SHORE (barometric pressure)
“take from the rich and give to the poor”
An elderly man called Keith
Mislaid his set of false teeth -
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Friday, January 15, 2010
· If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don’t teach him to subtract—teach him to deduct.—Fran Lebowitz
· Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.—Confucius
· Sometimes I wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on the payroll to test things.—Harold Macmillan
· You cannot shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.—P.J. O’Rourke
· He is a modest man with a great deal to be modest about.—Winston Churchill on Clement Attlee
· Office hours are from 12 to 1 with an hour off for lunch.—George S. Kaufman
· AWOD: Food-n-an important part of a balanced diet.
· LYRIC: “He may not have a clue, and he may not have style. But everything he lacks, we'll he makes up in denial.”—Offspring, Pretty Fly
· SAY WHAT: FAZE THEM HUES SICK (face the music)
“sailing, sailing over the seven seas”
There was a young man from the Rhine
Whose limericks repeated a line.
Though this was redundant,
Though this was redundant,
His limericks repeated a line.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
· Engineers think equations are an approximation of reality. Physicists think reality is an approximation of the equations. Mathematicians never make the connection.
· Capitalism without bankruptcy is like Christianity without hell.—Astronaut Frank Borman
· The trouble with General Hooker is that he’s got his headquarters where his hindquarters ought to be.—Abe Lincoln
· For every person who wants to teach, there are approximately thirty who don’t want to learn.—R.J. Yeatman
· We lived for days on nothing but food and water.—W.C. Fields
· Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.—Niels Bohr
· WOD: Surcease-n-stoppage, especially a temporary one. v-to bring or come to an end.
· AWOD: Hollywood-n-a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottom boat.—Wilson Mizer
· LYRIC: “How can I be lost if I’ve got nowhere to go?”—Metallica: The Unforgiven III
· SAY WHAT: NOAH’S CAPE FERMENT (no escape from it).
There once was a poet named Bix
Whose limericks went to line six.
He never did know
How far they should go,
And never did bother to fix
Them at all.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
· Probability has turned modern science into a truth casino.—Bart Kosko in Fuzzy Thinking (The New Science of Fuzzy Logic)
· Only the madman is absolutely sure. -Robert Anton Wilson, novelist (1932-2007)Fun
· Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his friends for his life.—Jeremy Thorpe
· I hate to spread rumors, but what else can one do with them?—Amanda Lear
· A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.—G.B. Shaw
· Most people sell their souls, and live with a good conscience on the proceeds.—Logan Pearsall Smith
· WOD: Sedulous-adj-Involving great care, effort, and persistence.
· AWOD: Democracy-n-the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.—H.L. Mencken
· LYRIC: “I told you I'd never say goodbye, now I'm slipping on the tears you made me cry.”—Nine Inch Nails: That's What I Get
· SAY WHAT: NOPE YET SALE LOUD (no pets allowed)
AMB T ON
“blind ambition ”
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called the hen a most elegant creature
The hen, pleased with that
Laid an egg in his hat
And thus did the hen reward Beecher
Friday, January 29, 2010
· Most of the fundamental ideas of science are essentially simple, and may, as a rule, be expressed in a language comprehensible to everyone.—Einstein
· All the flowers of tomorrow are in the seeds of yesterday.—Proverb
· He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.—Abraham Lincoln
· I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion.—Robert Louis Stevenson
· Laugh it off, laugh it off; it’s all part of life’s rich pageant.—Arthur Marshall
· On President’s Day, you stay at home and do nothing. Sounds more like Vice-President’s Day—Jay Leno
· WOD: Evince-v-To show in a clear manner; to manifest; to make evident; to bring to light.
· AWOD: Seriousness-n-stupidity sent to college.—P.J. O’Rourke
· LYRIC: “A man with a briefcase can steal more money than any man with a gun.”—Don Henley: Gimme What You Got
· SAY WHAT: PIECE SUN UP ODD (peas in a pod)
“by and large ”
There was a young lady from Worcester
Who use-est to crow like a roo-cester
She use-est to climb
Seven trees at a time,
But her sis-ester use-est to boo-cester
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
· A mathematical truth is neither simple nor complicated in itself, it is.—Emile Lemoine
· Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.—Andre Gide
· I love my kids, but I need something more. Like, perhaps, a life.—Roseanne
· There’s an old saying, “Neurotics build castles in the air, and psychotics live in them.” My mother cleans them.—Rita Rudner
· I used one of those change machines. I put a dollar in, got four quarters back. I was thinking, the owner of this machine at the end of each day must be like, “I broke even, again?! I need more machines.”—Tom Hertz
· I’m so obsessive about my looks. I spend a lot of time each day just staring in the mirror. No wonder I get in so many traffic accidents.—Tanya Luckerath
· WOD: Annie Oakley-n-a complimentary ticket or pass.
· AWOD: Friends-n-God’s apology for relations.—Hugh Kingsmill
· LYRIC: “Bother me tomorrow, today I'll buy no sorrow.”—CCR: Looking Out My Back Door
· SAY WHAT: OW! TUNNEL HYMN (out on a limb)
“a stitch in time ”
Flappity, floppity, flip,
The mouse on the Moebius strip.
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
Monday, February 8, 2010
· The science of Pure Mathematics, in its modern developments, may claim to be the most original creation of the human spirit.—A. N. Whitehead
· A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free.—Nikos Kazantzakis
· Few things have a shorter life span than a clean garage.
· His parents were very poor. His father ran a paving business in Venice.
· I KNOW computers are smarter than people, because I’ve never seen one jogging.
· You know it’s time to diet when your kids try to bury you at the beach, and they run out of sand.
· WOD: Approbation-n-a form of formal approval or praise.
· AWOD: Optimism-n-the mania of maintaining that everything is well when we are wretched.—Voltaire
· LYRIC: “My room is comfortably small with rubber lining walls, and there's always someone calling my name.”—They Might Be Giants: Absolutely Bill's Mood
· SAY WHAT: NOSE HOLE IS SITTING (no soliciting)
“water hose ”
There was an old lady from Hoakum,
who’d steal your cigars and then soak ‘um,
in sugar and rum
and smear ‘em with gum
so it wasn’t a pleasure to smoke ‘um.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
· A mathematician who is not also a poet will never be a complete mathematician.—Karl Weierstrass
· High achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation.—Charles F. Kettering
· It’s real easy to keep your house clean. Step 1: Put your kids up for adoption . . .
· The person who said, “Nothing is impossible” never tried to barbecue pancakes.
· Tonight we honor a man who doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear, a man who doesn’t know the meaning of the word quit. So we all pitched in a bought him this dictionary.
· I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.—Groucho Marx
· WOD: Disport-v-to divert or amuse oneself. n-a diversion or amusement
· AWOD: DNA-n-the splice of life.
· LYRIC: “There is no more new frontier, we have got to make it here.”—The Eagles: The Last Resort
· SAY WHAT: PITCHER MINE DEBT TEASE (put your mind at ease)
“too funny for words ”
A young man whose fad was pajamas,
Wore a suit made of wool from the llamas;
The unmanly effect
Made people suspect
That the outfit was really his mama’s.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
· I have heard myself accused of being an opponent, an enemy of mathematics, which no one can value more highly than I, for it accomplishes the very thing whose achievement has been denied me.—Goethe
· Hard work has made it easy. That is my secret. That is why I win.—Nadia Comaneci.
· I do hope that we can become better strangers.—Oscar Wilde
· Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued.
· During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were \just going down to the corner.—Jack Handey
· Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.—Edgar R. Fiedler
· WOD: Obnubilate-v-To cloud over, obscure, or darken.
· AWOD: Edible-adj-Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.—Ambrose Bierce,
· LYRIC: “Things are gonna work out fine if you only will.”—James Taylor: Shower the People
· SAY WHAT: SEA CAN’T HIGHER DOVE FIT (sick and tired of it)
“too little too late ”
A wonderful bird is the pelican.
Its beak can hold more than its belly can.
It can hold in its beak
Enough food for a week.
I'm darned if I know how the heck he can.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
· It is easier to square a circle than to get round a mathematician.—Augustus De Morgan
· Reality can destroy the dream; why shouldn't the dream destroy reality?—George Moore
· Elections come and go, but politics are always with us.
· Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
· Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
· Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
· WOD: Billingsgate-n-vulgar, abusive language
· AWOD: Egotist-n-A guy who suffers from I strain
· LYRIC: “Human heart, human mind, intellect intertwined.”—Iron Maiden: Mercenary
· SAY WHAT: RUMOR TOY DART WRITE US (rheumatoid arthritis)
“for once in my life ”
There once was a young man from Lyme
Who scored a goal for the very first time!
The young man was glad
But his teammates were sad
'Cause he hadn't changed sides at half time!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
· Mathematics is the Queen of Science, and Arithmetic the Queen of Mathematics. - C. F. Gauss
· It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.—Dale Carnegie
· Eternity is long. Especially in the end.
· Even Napoleon had his Watergate.—Yogi Berra
· Even more painful for Gumby than his parents' divorce was the long, stretched-out custody battle.—Leigh Rubin
· Every man has a secret ambition to outsmart horses, fish, and women.
· WOD: Ovoviviparous-adj-producing eggs that are hatched within the body, as with some reptiles.
· AWOD: Ethernet-n-A device for catching the Ether Bunny.
· LYRIC: “Live your life filled with joy and wonder.”—REM: Sweetness Follows
· SAY WHAT: PULLEY SKIM HE HUB RAKE (please give me a break)
“go up in smoke ”
An old fellow dining at Crewe
Found a very large bug in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
· God made the Integers, all the rest is the work of man. - Leopold Kronecker
· You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.—Irish Saying
· Prejudice is a wonderful time-saver. You can form opinions without bothering to obtain facts.
· Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
· Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller than the both put together.
· Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
· WOD: Laager-n-an encampment protected by a circle of defense. OR an entrenched policy or viewpoint.
· AWOD: Procrastination-n-is the art of keeping up with yesterday.—Don Marquis
· LYRIC: “Things are getting worse, but I feel a lot better.”—Counting Crows: Amy Hit The Atmosphere
· SAY WHAT: TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (thomas jeffereson)
“trip around the world ”
There was a plump knight named Sir Keith
Who removed his sword from its sheath
He fought for his honor
But soon was a goner
And the dragon stood picking his teeth.
Friday, March 12, 2010
· Query 64...whether mathematicians have not their mysteries, and what is more, their repugnancies and contradictions?—Bishop Berkeley
· If you want things to stay as they are, things will have to change.—Giuseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa
· A cat has the paws before the claws, and a comma has the clause before the pause.
· A few months ago, I joined a physical-fitness club. I now weigh $1250 less
· A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better.—Steven Wright,
· A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.—Mark Twain,
· WOD: Trichotillomania-n-a compulsion to pull one’s hair.
· AWOD: Psychoanalysis-n-confession without absolution.—G.K. Chesterton
· LYRIC: “Guide the future by the past, long ago the mold was cast.”—Rush: Bastille Day
· SAY WHAT: SPIN HIGH STALK HINT WHO HUE (it’s been nice talking to you)
“ skate on thin ice”
You know why to marry is neat?
My grandmother said (I'll repeat),
"Two can, my grandson,
Live as cheaply as one,
If one of you just doesn't eat."
Thursday, March 18, 2010
· Arithmetic is one of the oldest branches, perhaps the very oldest branch, of human knowledge; and yet some of its most abtruse secrets lie close to its tritest truths. - H. J. S. Smith
· People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.—Zig Ziglar
· Quick and short can be made quicker and shorter by making them longer.
· I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’—Demetri Martin
· I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man.—Mitch Hedberg
· If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.—Jack Handey
· WOD: Bon Ton-n- 1. Good form or style.2. Something regarded as fashionably right.3. High society.
· AWOD: Puritan-n-A man who no's what he likes.
· LYRIC: “You can kick me and you can punch me and you break my face, but you can't change the way that I feel cause I love you.”—The Smiths: Is It Really So Strange?
· SAY WHAT: THIEF AX PEEK FOURTH HYMNS ELVES (the facts speak for themselves)
This poem is copyright ©
By the author, 1983.
Prior written consent
Is required to present
It on radio, film, or TV.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
· Examples...show how difficult it often is for an experimenter to interpret his results without the aid of mathematics.—Lord Rayleigh
· I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man is a member of the human race. That's bad enough for me.—Mark Twain
· Sign: Children with snacks must be eaten in the lobby.
· It has come to our attention that there is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
· Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies but let wasps an hornets break through.—Jonathan Swift
· It is better to be a closet claustrophobic than a flaming pyromaniac.
· WOD: Infundibuliform-adj-Funnel-shaped
· AWOD: Golf-n-the only sport where the goal is to play as little as possible.—Charles G. McLoughlin
· LYRIC: “We are just prisoners here of own device.”—The Eagles, Hotel California
· SAY WHAT: THEY HER SAW WAY SUCH AUNTS (there’s always a chance)
S S S S
B B B B
A A A A
R R R R
G G G G
“up for grabs ”
There once was a limerick
But this isn't it.
This isn't a limerick;
It isn't even a poem.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
· Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.,
· I am fully aware that many people think we are a lot of crazy fanatics, but if fanaticism builds the highest degree of mental and moral health, enables one to secure the best in life,...it is well worth cultivating.—Bernarr Macfadden
· A day without fusion and radiation is like a day without sunshine.
· A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.—Emo Phillips
· Gardening tip: Weed it and reap.
· Hand me that piano, and then fold up the cow.—overheard when moving,
· WOD: Byronic-adj-being melancholic, passionate, self-destructive, and melodramatic, and having disregard for societal norms.
· AWOD: Heredity-n-the traits that a disobedient child gets from the other parent.—Luther Burbank
· LYRIC: “You can't win until you're not afraid to lose.”—Bon Jovi: Just Older
· SAY WHAT: TUB PRETTY SHARK HUMMING (the british are coming)
“see eye to eye”
The limerick is furtive and mean
You must keep her in close quarantine
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.
Tuesday, April, 13, 2010
· To create a good philosophy you should renounce metaphysics but be a good mathematician.—Bertrand Russell
· It seems like the less a statesman amounts to the more he adores the flag.—Kin Hubbard, humorist (1868-1930)
· A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.—Orben's Current Comedy
· A man can be forgiven if he can quote Shakespeare in an economic crisis.—H.R.H. Prince Philip
· Beware of poets who read their verse in public; they have other nasty habits.—Lazarus Long,
· Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?—Jack Handey
· WOD: Orwellian-adj-Of or relating to a totalitarian state in which citizens' activities are tightly controlled.
· AWOD: Harp-n-a nude piano
· LYRIC: “Arm chair warriors often fail.”—Don Henley: The End Of The Innocence
· SAY WHAT: TOMB ANKLE HONKS TOE WISH SORT (to make a long story short)
A macho young swimmer named Dwyer,
Really liked playing with fire.
One night in the dark
He swam with a shark,
And his voice is now two octaves higher.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
· [on filing for tax returns] This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher.—Einstein
· It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for.—Will Rogers
· I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money.—Arthur Godfrey
· Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.—H.L. Mencken
· The point to remember is that what the government gives it must first take away.—John S. Coleman
· There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure.—Dan Bennett
· WOD: Pelf-n-money, riches, or gains acquired, often by illicit means.
· AWOD: Income tax return-n-the most imaginative fiction being written today.—Herman Woulk
· LYRIC: “Let me tell you how it will be; There's one for you, nineteen for me. 'Cause I’m the taxman.”—Taxman: The Beatles
· SAY WHAT: EYE HARASS (I.R.S.)
Why does tax filing time cause such stress?
Wretched forms to fill out—it’s a mess!
All confused, you say, “Heck!”
Then you write out a check
For what’s due or, at least, your best guess.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
· The notion of infinity is our greatest friend; it is also our greatest enemy of our peace of mind. - James Pierpont
· Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there.—Eric Hoffer
· Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
· Facebook's notification that it was your birthday reminded me that I had been meaning to unfriend you.
· We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
· Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
· WOD: Agrestic-adj-pertaining to fields or countryside
· AWOD: Bus-n-a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
· LYRIC: “Freeze this moment a little bit longer. Make each sensation a little bit stronger.”—Rush: Time Stand Still
· SAY WHAT: FASTEN FURRY YES HACK SHIN (fast and furious action)
“vitamin a deficiency”
Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both female and male,
"From your offspring, my dears,
In a couple of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale.
Friday, April 23, 2010
· Mathematics is the handwriting on the human consciousness of the very Spirit of Life itself.—Claude Bragdon
· Eat less, taste more.—Chinese proverb
· I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
· I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
· Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.—Jack Handey
· Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
· WOD: Sisyphean-adj- Endlessly laborious and fruitless.
· AWOD: Diet-n-a weigh of life
· LYRIC: “If you only knew how I refuse to let you go even when you’re gone.”—Shinedown
· SAY WHAT: HEFT HUSH HOOF HIT SWEAR RAT (if the shoe fits, wear it)
“no excuse for it”
There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
Monday, May 3, 2010
· Mathematics possesses not only truth. but some supreme beauty -- A beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture.—Bertrand Russell
· Distrust of authority should be the first civic duty.—Norman Douglas
· There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.
· Twitter saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.
· Everybody hates me because I'm so universally well-liked.
· Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.
· WOD: Jnana-n-Absolute knowledge acquired through meditation and study as a means of reaching (in Hinduism) Brahman
· AWOD: Pedestrian-n-someone who thought there was a couple of gallons left in the tank.
· LYRIC: ”You can speak your mind. But not on my time.”—Billy Joel: My Life
· SAY WHAT: HAY DENS HOLDER SUB OF ARREST (head and shoulders above the rest)
A maiden at college, Miss Breeze,
Weighed down by B.A.s and Lit.D’s,
Colapsed from the strain
Said her doctor, “It’s plain
You are killing yourself—by degrees!”
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
· On the basis of my historical experience, I fully believe that mathematics of the twenty-fifth century will be as different from that of today as the latter is from the sixteenth century.—George Sarton
· The man who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself.—Friedrich Nietzsche
· No man goes before his time....... Unless the boss leaves early.
· As you get older, don't let society tell you what you can and can't do. That's what arthritis is for.
· There's no i in team. I mean, not until Steve Jobs decides there should be.
· When she asked, "What kind of idiot are you?" it took me a while to realize it wasn't a Facebook quiz.
· WOD: Omnific-adj-having unlimited powers of creation.
· AWOD: Infinity-n-where things happen that don’t.
· LYRIC: “What we want and what we need has been confused.”—REM: Finest Worksong
· SAY WHAT: WOOD CHECK AIR FORD US HURT (would you care for dessert)
“the power of suggestion”
A Major with wonderful force
Called out in Hyde Park for a horse
All the flowers looked round
But no horse could be found
So he rhododendron, of course.
Friday, May 7, 2010
· It is hard to convince a high-school student that he will encounter a lot of problems more difficult than those of Algebra and Geometry.—Edgar W. Howe
· Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.—Tom Robbins
· I try to cut down on the number of mistakes I make at work by coming in late.
· Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He always thought he was following someone.
· I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did
· Don't think of it as thousands of dollars of your hard-earned money. Think of it as a toilet seat for the Pentagon.
· WOD: Eristic-adj-Pertaining to controversy or disputation; controversial. –n-and argument for the sake of arguing.
· AWOD: Editing-n-a rewording activity.
· LYRIC: “We couldn't all be cowboys, some of us are clowns. Some of us are dancers on the midway, we roam from town to town.”—Counting Crows: Goodnight Elisabeth
· SAY WHAT: HIKE ANT THAN CUE WHEN HUFF (i can’t thank you enough)
“50 yard line”
I once took the Duchess to tea
She was tense as a person could be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal—
And everyone thought it was me!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
· The Great Architect of the Universe now begins to appear as a pure mathematician.—James Jeans
· Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.—Will Rogers
· Yes, yes, I know that, Sydney ... Everybody knows that! ... But look: Four wrongs squared, minus two wrongs to the fourth power, divided by this formula, do make a right.—Gary Larson
· When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
· Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
· A procrastinator's work is never done.
· A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
· WOD: Malapert-v-unbecomingly bold or saucy.
· AWOD: Lunch-n-the scientific name for an animal that doesn't run from or fight his enemies.
· LYRIC: “Damn the rules, it's the feeling that counts.”—John Coltrane
· SAY WHAT: ABE HAIR HEAT RASH YOU’RE (a buried treasure)
“see for yourself”
The Church keeps denying the scope
Of the problem with clergy who grope;
But continued abuse
Only tends to confuse.
Should we call him the Perp or the Pope?
Friday, May 14, 2010 (Bonus funny for end of year)
· No employment can be managed without arithmetic, no mechanical invention without geometry.—Benjamin Franklin
· Nature does not bestow virtue; to be good is an art.—Seneca
· If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
· A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
· If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
· One time, I almost won the World Origami Championship. But I folded.
· People who cheat on a self-flagellation test are only hurting themselves.
· Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots.
· I made the mistake of buying "slightly irregular" jeans from an outlet store. One leg was slightly shorter than the other two.
· WOD: Perpend-v-to ponder or deliberate
· AWOD: Beauty Parlor-n-a place where women curl up and dye.
· LYRIC: “There's three sides to every story, yours, mine, and the cold hard truth.”—Don Henley: Long Way Home
· SAY WHAT: WEENIE TOOT HAWK (we need to talk)
“your time is up”
There was a young lady of Lynn
Who was so uncommonly thin
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.