2010-2011 school year
Monday, August 23, 2010
· As long as there is PreAP Precalculus and AP Calculus, there will be prayer in schools.
· What ought one to say then as each hardship comes? I was practicing for this, I was training for this.—Epictetus (55-135 AD) Roman Philosopher
· I work for a good cause. Cause I need money.
· Travel is educational. It teaches you how to get rid of money in a hurry.
· All I can say about golf is, thank god for slow motion replay.
· You can't run from your problems forever. Eventually, you'll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
· WOD: Apoplectic-adj-easily angered; prone to volatile eruptions of rage.
· AWOD: Consolation-n-the knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.—Ambrose Bierce
· LYRIC: “You're scheming on a thing that is a mirage.”—Beastie Boys: Sabotage
· SAY WHAT: WIDE HIDDEN CHEWS HAZE HOE (why didn’t you say so)
“the power of suggestion”
I wish that my room had a floor.
I don't care so much for a door.
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
Is making my arms awfully sore.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010 (recycled from September 17, 2003)
· Universities hire professors the way some men choose wives - they want the ones the others will admire.—Kline, Morris
· In war: resolution. In defeat: defiance. In victory: magnanimity. In peace: goodwill.—Sir Winston Churchill
· We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
· It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
· Forget about World Peace..... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal
· Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
· WOD: Brackish-adj-somewhat salty; distasteful; unpalatable.
· AWOD: Bulldozer-n-a person who sleeps through campaign speech.
· LYRIC: "If you want it, come and get it, for crying out loud."--David Gray: Babylon
· SAY WHAT: BEE FOREIGN HALVED HER (before and after)
“right between the eyes”
All at once, without skipping a beat
Cleveland suffers its latest defeat.
Now the infamous curse
Couldn't get any worse
And LeBron will be taking the Heat.
· Thus number may be said to rule the whole world of quantity, and the four rules of arithmetic may be regarded as the complete equipment of the mathematician. - James Clerk Maxwell
· A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.—Mark Twain
· Sometimes, I think I'm a genius. Then I realize I've already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
· I bet cat burglars don't really make all that much money because cats are pretty easy to come by.
· I'd just like to say to the man on crutches in the camouflage pants who stole my wallet, "You can hide but you can't run."
· I used to have a fear of hurdles but I got over it.
· WOD: Beek-v-to bask or warm in the sunshine or by a fire.
· AWOD: Patience-n-the ability to let your light shine after your fuse has blown.
· LYRIC: “You who wish to conquer pain, you must learn what makes one kind.”—Leonard Cohen: Avalanche
· SAY WHAT: EGGS DREAM ACHE OH FUR
“come up with an idea”
A sweet-toothed man from DeBreeth
Was sweet-toothed without any teeth.
He said, in my eye,
"Looketh good, that there pie.
Now, could I jutht have one thmall peeth?"
Friday, September 3, 2010
· The mathematician, carried along on his flood of symbols, dealing apparently with purely formal truths, may still reach results of endless importance for our description of the physical universe.—Karl Pearson
· Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control. These three alone lead to sovereign power.—Lord Alfred Tennyson
· If I see one more TV show about getting in shape, I'm going to get up off this couch and...oh, nevermind.
· I'd consider being a farmer. As long as I could live on Pepperidge Farm. And raise Milanos.
· I am a responsible worker. When anything goes wrong, the boss says I'm responsible for it.
· "YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!” – Factory workers at a cannery.
· WOD: Cachinnate-v-To laugh loudly or immoderately.
· AWOD: Flying-v-the second greatest thrill known to man, after landing.
· LYRIC: “It always rains like hell on the loser's day parade.”—Goo Goo Dolls: Broadway
· SAY WHAT: THEME ARE INK ORE (the marine corps)
MUST GET HERE
MUST GET HERE
MUST GET HERE
“the three musketeers”
Monday, September 13, 2010
· God ever geometrizes.—Plato God ever arithmetizes.—Charles Jacobi
· Where the spirit does not work with the hand there is no art—Leonardo da Vinci
· The Rock knew his wrestling career was over when he looked across the ring and saw his opponent... THE PAPER.
· My motto is "never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.
· I've taken to setting my clock 24 hours ahead to fool myself into going faster.
· I've said it before and I'll say it again. "It."
· WOD: Anacoluthia-n-lack of grammatical sequence or coherence, esp. in a sentence.
· AWOD: Bachelor-n-a man who is footloose and fiancée free.
· LYRIC: “We cannot soar if we stay underground.”—Sonata Arctica: Days of Grays
· SAY WHAT: COME PEW TURF HIGH RUSS (computer virus)
“look both ways”
The limerick, peculiar to English,
Is a verse-form that's hard to extinguish.
Once Congress in session
Decreed its supression
But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or metre.
Thursday, September 16, 3010
· If all art aspires to the condition of music, all the sciences aspire to the condition of mathematics.—George Santanaya
· Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered –either by themselves or by others.—Mark Twain
· If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
· I may not be the only egomaniac, but I'm the only one that matters.
· "I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."
· I used to have a girlfriend, but she was afraid to commit... to a specific time and place to ever see me again.
· WOD: Tarry-v-to remain or stay, as in a place; sojourn.
· AWOD: Compromise-n-the art of giving in to your kids.
· SAY WHAT: TIN PURSE SCENT DESK HOUND (ten percent discount)
· LYRIC: “Brutality and aggression, tomorrow another lesson.”—Iron Maiden, Blood On The World's Hands
“last but not least”
An extraterrestrial being
Had noses adapted for seeing
And smelled with an ear
But used eyeballs to hear
What folks screamed up his nostrils while fleeing!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
· Logic is invincible because in order to combat logic it is necessary to use logic.—Pierre Boutroux
· Who dares to teach must never cease to learn.—John Cotton Dana
· I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
· I'm not one to say your baby is ugly, which is why I hired that skywriter.
· When life seems to be spinning out of control, you just have to stop and ask yourself, "How much ice cream would Jesus eat?"
· At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted?
· WOD: Cheechako-n-a tenderfoot; greenhorn; newcomer.
· AWOD: Z-n-the last letter in the alphabet because it overslept.
· LYRIC: “Life is short, can I have it to go? If it's not in the TV Guide, then I don't know.”—Beck: Grease
· SAY WHAT: INTERN ASH SHUN EL TREE TEA (international treaty)
“just in case”
Monday, September 27, 2010
· In my opinion a mathematician, in so far as he is a mathematician, need not preoccupy himself with philosophy-- an opinion, moreover, which has been expressed by many philosophers.—Henri Lebesgue
· The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.—John F. Kennedy
· Bless me, Father, for I have sneezed.
· We've all been talking about your paranoia.
· I miss the days when everyone was Kung Fu fighting.
· I hate being bi-polar. It's awesome.
· WOD: Fantod-n-a state of extreme nervousness or restlessness.
· AWOD: Snappy Repartee-n-What you would say if you had another chance.
· LYRIC: “Life is bigger, it's bigger than you, and you are not me.”—REM, Losing My Religion
· SAY WHAT: MIKE LION TIS INNER SCENT (my client is innocent)
Friday, October 1, 2010
· But there is another reason for the high repute of mathematics: it is mathematics that offers the exact natural sciences a certain measure of security which, without mathematics, they could not attain.—Albert Einstein
· Considering how dangerous everything is, nothing is really very frightening.—Gertrude Stein
· I'm bisacksual. Paper or plastic..it doesn't matter.
· Zeus to Narcissus: "Watch yourself."
· The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what's the matter. He just has to know.—Will Rogers
· Being a Stay at Home Mom was easier before I had kids.
· WOD: Absquatulate-v-to flee; abscond.
· AWOD: Greeting Cards-n-for people who mean every word someone else said.
· “Back off your rules, back off your jive, cause I'm sick of not living to stay alive.”—Offspring,: All I Want
· SAY WHAT: LEE GALS SIGHS END FELL HOPE (legal size envelope)
“history in the making”
There's a wonderful family called Stein:
There's Gert and there's Ep and there's Ein.
Gert's poems are bunk,
Ep's statues are junk,
And no one can understand Ein.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
· Numbers rule the Universe.—Pythagoras
· Age is deformed, youth unkind, We scorn their bodies, they our mind.—Thomas Bastard
· What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait while fisherman waits and lies.
· The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does.
· Well, I see no one turned up for the first day of ninja school... Or did they?
· If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money I would also have to look for.
· WOD: Lucifugous-adj-avoiding light
· AWOD: Home Depot-n-Where a man goes to get the things he needs to do the things he cannot do.
· LYRIC: “It's so easy to hate, it takes strength to be gentle and kind.”—The Smiths, I Know It's Over
· SAY WHAT: TOCK TOOTHY AND (talk to the hand)
Y O U R H O R I Z O N S
“expand your horizons”
When Pythagoras suffered bad dreams
He saw roof beams collapse at the seams
And crash down on his proof
That the square of the roof
Is the sum of the squares of its beams!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
· If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.—Albert Einstein
· Two percent of the people think; three percent of the people think they think; and ninety-five percent of the people would rather die than think.—George Bernard Shaw
· The lesser of two evils rarely wins the evil contest.
· I may be addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop at any time.
· I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.
· When discussing geology and erosion, I often get sedimental and break down.
· WOD: Mussitate-v- To silently move the lips in simulation of audible speech.
· AWOD: Times Square-n-A mathematician's favorite place in New York City.
· LYRIC: “Begging hands and bleeding hearts will only cry out for more.”—Rush, Anthem
· SAY WHAT: FOUR END HICK TATER (foreign dictator)
UR FULL OF
“you are full of balogna”
A light-fingered fellow called Brewster,
Declared, “I’ shan’t steal as I used ta.”
But he fell with a swoop
On the first chicken coop
That he saw, and made off with a rooster.
Monday, October 11, 2010
· Round numbers are always false.—Samuel Johnson
· The future's already here; it just isn't evenly distributed.—William Gibson
· Blame someone else and get on with your life. - Alan Woods
· I've gotten very spiritual because the material thing isn't working out.—Wendy Leibman
· I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending...
· I like really dark movie theatres. That way, I don't have to buy my own popcorn.
· WOD: Fossick-v-to search for any object by which to make gain.
· AWOD: Road to Failure-n-the path of least persistence.
· LYRIC: “You see it your way and I see it mine, but we both see it slippin' away.”—The Eagles: Best Of My Love
· SAY WHAT: HIT SPIN COULD FORM HE (it’s been good for me)
“red in the face”
A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, “Kindly note
That my mum was a goat
And I’m made out of curds by the whey.”
Thursday, October 14, 2010
· If I had inherited a fortune I should probably not have cast my lot with mathematics.—Joseph-Louis Lagrange
· That fine line between bravery and stupidity is endlessly debated—the difference really doesn’t matter.—WWII British Air Force Pilot
· There are a few steps to preparing a microwave burrito, but the most important one is to lower your standards.
· Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with the living.
· You make more sense when I don't listen.
· I'm sorry for not staying in touch. But, sometimes, it's very hard to write on a moving planet.
· WOD: Rigmarole-n- An elaborate or complicated procedure.
· AWOD: Lawsuit-n-a machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.—Ambrose Bierce
· LYRIC: “Everytime I've held a rose, it seems I only felt the thorns.”—Billy Joel: And So It Goes
· SAY WHAT: HAVE THIEF HONEY SKIDDING THEIR (half the fun is getting there)
“win with ease”
There was a young man called Leadbetter
Who sat down to write a long letter.
When he picked up the ink,
His heart it did sink,
For he spilled some all over his sweater.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
· If it's incomprehensible, it's mathematics.—Bennett Cern
· What is Everest without the eyes that see it? It is the hearts of men that make it big or small.—Tenzing Norgay
· When it comes to hard work, I'm always willing to go the extra mile to avoid it at all costs.
· I think this trail mix bar was made with real trail.
· My heart goes out to all the suffering succotash.
· Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
· WOD: Adumbrate-v-to give a sketch outline of; to disclose partially or guardedly.
· AWOD: Aibohphobia-n-The fear of palindromes.
· LYRIC: “I raised the walls and I will be the one to knock it down.”—REM: World Leader Pretend
· SAY WHAT: WE LOAF ORE CHIN (wheel of fortune)
“try to understand”
A student once thought that he knew
How to find x in Algebra II
But he failed every test
And now he’s depressed
‘cause next year he’ll have Déjà vu.—Korpi
Friday, October 22, 2010
· I protest against the use of infinite magnitude ..., which is never permissible in mathematics.—Carl Friedrich Gauss
· Great things happen when men and mountains meet; that is not done by jostling in the street.—William Blake
· Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
· I'm still not quite ready for yesterday.
· When I see a man with a beard, mustache & glasses, I think, there's a man who took every precaution against someone doodling on his picture.
· On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
· WOD: Agrestic-adj- rural; rustic.; unpolished; awkward.
· AWOD: Insanity-n-not just a defense, its a lifestyle too.
· LYRIC: “I like to hate stuff, cause then I don't have to try and make a change.”—Offspring: Cool To Hate
· SAY WHAT: DALE HE NOOSE PAY PURR (daily newspaper)
TIMING TIM ING
“split second timing”
Why on Earth do some people run?
Some say that they do it for fun.
Others might shout
“Marathons are about
Getting the shirt when I’m done.”—Korpi
Monday, October 25, 2010
· And for mathematical science, he that doubts their certainty hath need of a dose of hellebore.—Joseph Glanvill
· He who has a ‘why’ to live, can bear almost any ‘how’.—Nietzsche
· It is better to give than to lend..... and it costs about the same.
· I won't stand for gossip. I prefer to sit down and make myself comfortable.
· The most beautiful things in the world cannot be touched or even seen—at least, that's what the restraining order says.
· Women always say to me, "Shut up, just shut up. You had me at hello," except they always leave out that last part.
· WOD: Hellebore-n-any of several poisonous or medicinal substances obtained from the plant genus Helleborus, a member of the Buttercup family.
· AWOD: Manager's Goal-v-to convince employees that insincere gratitude is every bit as valuable as cash.
· LYRIC: “Sure as you can't steer a train, you can't change fate.”—They Might Be Giants: Lucky Ball And Chain
· SAY WHAT: DUST HERB INK DAP PEAS (disturbing the peace)
“no one to blame”
At last, I’m comfortably reclined
My mission: to finally unwind.
The TV’s so boring
That soon I am snoring.
It is mission accomplished, I find!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
· An excessive study of mathematics absolutely incapacitates the mind...—Sir William Hamilton
· Think where man’s glory most begins and ends; my glory was I had such friends.—Yeats
· I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about limousines, but I have nothing to chauffeur it.
· I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It's giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
· I made a terrible mistake on my anniversary. My wife made me swear I wouldn't buy her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
· I had a falling out with my skydiving instructor.
· WOD: Agroof-v-to fall flat on one’s face.
· AWOD: Leisure-n-the mother of philosophy.
· LYRIC: “There are no facts, there is no truth, just data to be manipulated.”—Don Henley: The Garden Of Allah
· SAY WHAT: DEW PLACATE PRINCE (duplicate prints)
“line up in alphabetical order”
Caesar had ordered, for his lunch today,
three fresh ripe peaches, topped with crème bruleè.
He said “Once there were three,
now just one do I see.
That’s how I know that you ‘et tu Brute’”
Monday, November 1, 2010
· If only gravity were working, the path would be symmetrical, it is the wind resistance that produces the tragic curve.—Norman Mailer
· Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.—Ronald Osborn
· I would never get into a relationship with an owl because my feelings would be hurt every time it pretended not to know me.
· Murphy's Law: If you're given an open book exam, you'll forget your book. If you're given a take home test, you'll forget where you live.
· These food stamps taste terrible.
· It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a.. no, no, it's a bird.
· WOD: Comminate-v-To threaten with divine punishment; to curse.
· AWOD: Achievement –n-the end of doing and the beginning of bragging
· LYRIC: “Now that I’m here, where am I?”—Janis Joplin
· SAY WHAT: TACK SEED RYE FUR (taxi driver)
“someone’s following me”
A teacher whose spelling’s unique,
Wrote down all the days of the week
The first he spelt “Sonday,”
The second day “Munday”
And now a new teacher they seek.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
· Never take an abacus to a slide rule fight.
· Luck and strength go together. When you get lucky you have the strength to follow through; you also have to have the strength to wait for the luck.—Mario Puzo
· Looks like this year's World Coveting Championship will come down to who wants it more.
· Saw a woman driving while knitting, "Pull over" I shouted. "No" she replied "It's a scarf".
· There are three ninjas in this sentence. Try to find them.
· I hate you, but I'm just not IN hate with you.
· WOD: Buttle-v-to do a butler’s work.
· AWOD: Ambassador-n-an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country .—Sir Henry Wotton
· LYRIC: “The most endangered species, the honest man.”—Rush: Natural Science
· SAY WHAT: PATCH AAH MOP HEART EASE (pajama parties)
. ____ Range
“point blank range”
Said the mate of a vessel unique
To the captain, “What port shall we seek?”
Said the captain, “We’ll dock ‘er
In Davy Jones’ locker;
I’m afraid this old tub’s sprung a leak.”
Monday , 11-08-10
· In my free time I do differential and integral calculus.—Karl Marx
· Be not afraid of moving slowly, only of standing still.—Chinese proverb
· I was planning to go to the Outdoor Wilderness Survival Show at the Convention Center this weekend. But not in this weather.
· You don't need training to become a garbage collector. You just pick it up as you go along.
· Am I self-centered or is it just me?
· If my morning crossword puzzle could talk, it would say "You complete me."
· WOD: Vitiate-v-to corrupt; to impair or spoil the effectiveness of.
· AWOD: Back-n-that part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.—Ambrose Bierce
· LYRIC: “I'm neither left or right. I'm just staying home tonight, getting lost in that hopeless little screen.”—Leonard Cohen: Democracy
· SAY WHAT: DOZEN MAY KENNY CENTS TOMB HE (doesn’t make any sense to me)
$0 all all all all
“free for all”
Manuscript sent, my spirits were soaring
till it came back stamped” This book is boring,
Your prose so verbose,
left us near comatose,
and your readers can still be heard snoring.
Monday 11-15, 2010
· How is error possible in mathematics?—Henri Poincare
· There are certain places that are rarely ever seen; and in those you will find a special sort of magic.—19th c. Indian Missionary
· I had lunch with a chess player today. It took him twenty minutes to pass the salt.
· When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. -Jack Handy
· Bumper Sticker: Watch out for the idiot behind me!
· Describe myself in 4 words? Bad at counting.
· WOD: In Situ-adverb- In the original place.
· AWOD: Insanity-n-a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world. -RD Laing
· LYRIC: “We're only immortal for a limited time.” – Rush: Dreamline
· SAY WHAT: HIGH YAM KNOT ACHE ROOK (i am not a crook)
An inventor who once did aspire
To invent an aerial flyer,
When asked, “Does it go?”
He replied, “I don’t know;
I’m still waiting for some fool to try ‘er.”
· If I had a nickel for every time I've needed math, someone would owe me $5.12.
· In the midst of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.—Albert Camus
· Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.
· Going to work would be easier if I stayed in bed for a living.
· When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?
· "People who live in glass houses" are one busted water-main away from "People who live in aquariums"
· WOD: Fatuous-adj-Foolish or inane, especially in a complacent and smug manner.
· AWOD: Apple-n-(computer)You can buy better but you can't pay more.
· LYRIC: “I’m feeling like a Monday, but someday I’ll be Saturday night.”—Bon Jovi
· SAY WHAT: HAWK HIDDEN US HIDE (all kidding aside)
“won by a nose”
An elephant lay in his bunk,
In slumber his chest rose and sunk,
He snored and he snored
Till the jungle folks roared-
Then his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Monday, November 29, 2010
· One of the principal objects of theoretical research in my department of knowledge is to find the point of view from which the subject appears in its greatest simplicity.—Josiah Willard Gibbs
· Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?—Shirdi Sai Baba
· I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
· I knew I was going bald when it kept taking longer and longer to wash my face.
· What should you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns? Go for the juggler.
· How come, when my wife says "we need to talk," it's never about football?
· WOD: Sforzando-adj/adv-With sudden force or strong accent (used as a musical direction).
· AWOD: Creditor-n-A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
· LYRIC: “Wrote a song for everyone and I couldn't even talk to you.”— Creedence Clearwater Revival: Wrote A Song For Everyone
· SAY WHAT: HIVE ALE DING LEASH (I failed English)
“day in, day out”
A young psychic midget named Marge
Went to jail on a most heinous charge
But despite lock and key
The next day she broke free
And the headlines said “Small Medium at Large”
Friday, December 2, 2010
· Where there is matter, there is geometry.—Kepler, Johannes
· You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God.—Matthew 5:2
· According to a new study, children who snore get lower grades. Especially if they snore during class.
· Tourist: "Is it true carrying a torch will keep lions away?" Guide: "It depends. How fast can you carry it?"
· If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.
· I gave rice cakes to a man in Reno just to watch him diet.
· WOD: Kvetch-v-To complain habitually, whine; gripe.
· AWOD: Elitism-n-the slur directed at merit by mediocrity.—Sydney J. Harris
· LYRIC: “What the head makes cloudy, the heart makes clear.”—Don Henley, New York Minute
· SAY WHAT: HEAVEN ICED HEY (have a nice day)
“take a step backwards”
Two ships, hauling paint red and blue,
Crashed at sea, in a fog thick as stew,
This terrible crash
Caused a monstrous splash,
Which quickly MAROONED the whole crew.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
· Mathematics began to seem too much like puzzle solving. Physics is puzzle solving, too, but of puzzles created by nature, not by the mind of man.—Mayer, Maria Goeppert
· Whoever in debate quotes authority uses not intellect, but memory.—Leonardo Da Vinci
· What we should really be afraid of is unidentified landing objects.
· Snowmen are like real men only more attentive.
· Every time I see a Christmas tree atop a building, I wonder “what kid asked for a building?!”
· I'm walkin’ in a winter wonderland . . . because I had to park a couple hundred miles from the mall.
· WOD: Pleonasm-n-The use of a lot more words or other words than those required, needed, or necessary to express or convey an idea or though; redundancy; superfluousy.
· AWOD: Denial-n-The first step in admitting there are no problems.
· LYRIC: “Give us this day our daily discount merchandise.”—Billy Joel: No Man's Land
· SAY WHAT: READ HICK YULE US (ridiculous)
A blizzard blew in Christmas Eve,
and just as St. Nick went to leave,
"That's great," Santa said,
"I'm off back to bed,
it's lucky I'm just make-believe!"
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
· The union of the mathematician with the poet, fervor with measure, passion with correctness, this surely is the ideal.—William James
· The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.—Elbert Hubbard
· What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.
· Running, climbing, jumping, swimming, dating, succeeding. There's so much to do on TV.
· I laugh in the face of danger. But it’s a silent laugh. And I pretend I’m looking at someone else.
· If I had a dollar for every time my wife told me I wasn't listening... I don't really know where all this money came from.
· WOD: Orchidaceous-adj-flashy or showy
· AWOD: Stranger-n-just an enemy you haven't made.
· LYRIC: “Give me the strength to hold my head up, to spit back in their face.”—Iron Maiden: Can I Play Madness
· SAY WHAT: KAY BELT ELLA FISSION (cable television)
“outnumbered 3 to 1”
When my son’s teacher called me from school
and complained he’d been acting the fool,
I said “I’m not surprised,
as you may have surmised,
there’s a flaw in his father’s gene pool.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
· Mechanics is the paradise of the mathematical sciences, because by means of it one comes to the fruits of mathematics.—Da Vinci
· Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock.—Ben Hecht, screenwriter, playwright, novelist, director, and producer (1894-1964)
· A dog's New Year's Resolution: "I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand!"
· My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.
· Just when I thought the meeting couldn't get any worse, someone woke me up.
· If I'd wanted your opinion I wouldn't have used two layers of duct tape.
· WOD: Frowsty-adj-having a musty or stale smell.
· AWOD: Steamroller-n-the sincerest form of flattery.
· LYRIC: “Courageous convictions will drag the dream into existence.”—Rush: Vital Signs
· SAY WHAT: THICK INN GOLF THEY JUNK HULL (the king of the jungle)
1 3 5 7 . . . vs. U
“odds are against you”
In Boston, lived Jack, as
Who gained mgh on a hill.
In their liquid pursuit,
Jill exclaimed with a hoot,
" I think we've just climbed a landfill!"
While noting, "Oh, this is just grand,"
Jack tripped on some trash in the sand.
He changed his potential
To kinetic, torrential,
But not before grabbing Jill's hand.
Monday, January 10, 2011
· There is an astonishing imagination even in the science of mathematics.—Voltaire
· There are many things that we would throw away, if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.—Oscar Wilde
· Wish me luck with my colonoscopy tomorrow. It's a new dentist and I really don't trust him at all.
· Some days, the only time I open my mouth is to change my shoes.
· This white chocolate Dove bar tastes like soap. ... oh.
· I see you have Van Gogh's ear for music.
· WOD: Charivari-n-shiv-uh-REE-A confused, noisy spectacle.
· AWOD: Maybe-n-Yes's way of saying No.
· LYRIC: “Realities gone, disillusionment's real.”—Offspring: Something To Believe In
· SAY WHAT: CHEST SKI FILM HIGH FUDGE ANTS (just give him half a chance).
“foot in the door”
One morning while eating
I felt the earth move 'neath my feeties.
The cause for alarm
Was a long lever-arm,
At the end of which grinned Archimedes.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
· With me everything turns into mathematics.—Descartes
· If a rabbit defined intelligence the way man does, then the most intelligent animal would be a rabbit, followed by the animal most willing to obey the commands of a rabbit. -Robert Brault, writer (b. 1938)
· Most people who are as attractive, witty, and intelligent as I am are usually conceited.
· I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.
· My wife treats me like a god... She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
· Turns out company doesn't love misery.
· WOD: Intromit-v-To enter, send, or admit.
· AWOD: Garage Sale-n-where you get the pick of the litter.
· LYRIC: ”Little things, they can pull you under. Live your life filled with joy and wonder.”—REM: Sweetness Follows
· SAY WHAT: AIM ACRE BRAKES HITCH AWAY SHIN (a make or break situation)
“elevator out of order”
A computer, to print out a fact
will divide, multiply and subtract.
But this output can be
no more than debris
if the input was short of exact.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
· The profound study of nature is the most fertile source of mathematical discoveries. Joseph Fourier (1768-1830)
· He was like the cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.—George Eliot (the woman)
· A healthy male adult bore consumes, each year, one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. J.Updike
· I throw fur coats on people who leave paint stores.
· My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me.
· If you fall and break both of your legs, don’t come running to me.
· WOD: Dun-v-To make persistent demands for payment, especially for a debt.
· AWOD: But-n-the word that always follows the phrase, “It’s none of my business…”
· LYRIC: “I just wanna live while I'm alive.”—Bon Jovi: It's My Life
· SAY WHAT: HEN TUB LEAN COVE FUN NIGH (in the blink of an eye)
“down four the count”
There once was a man who said: 'God
Must think it exceedingly odd
If he finds that this tree
Continues to be
When there's no one about in the Quad.'
Dear Sir, Your astonishment's odd;
I'm always about in the Quad;
And that's why this tree
Will continue to be
Since observed by Yours Faithfully, God.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
· An equation means nothing to me unless it expresses a thought of God.—Srinivasa Ramanujan
· People count up the faults of those who are keeping them waiting.—French proverb
· One disadvantage of having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest.—Franklin P. Jones
· "Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.
· You ever stop to think and after a while, realize all the honking is directed at you?
· Turns out people can still hear you even if you're wearing sunglasses.
· WOD: Guerdon-n/v-A reward or recompense/To reward or recompense.
· AWOD: Insomnia-n-the triumph of mind over mattress.
· LYRIC: “There is a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in.”—Leonard Cohen: Anthem
· SAY WHAT: WANTS MICE SENIOR DRINK (want some ice in your drink?)
In the Alps lived a foundling so sad,
Till one day came a woman, said, "Lad,
Don't you recognize me?
I'm your ma, can't you see?"
"Yodeladyhoo married my dad?"
Monday, January 31,2011
· Mighty is geometry; joined with art, resistless.—Euripides
· Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it.—Soren Kierkegaard
· Today's level of difficulty is shaping up to be "Wheelie on a unicycle."
· After 45 minutes of unsuccessfully attempting to teach my dad to use iTunes, the dog said, "I think I got this."
· I'm having awful car trouble. The car won't start and the payments won't stop.
· I bought some cookies yesterday. The bag said to store in a cool place... So I mailed them to Samuel L. Jackson's house.
· WOD: Procumbent-adj-Lying face down; prone; prostrate.
· AWOD: Sleep Number-n-for some, pretty much 24/7.
· LYRIC: “So much time weeping and wailing and shaking our fists, creating enemies that really don't exist.”—Don Henley: Lilah
· SAY WHAT: MA NEED TOWN THUD REIGN (money down the drain)
The scatterbrained fill me with dread
When their actions relate to my head.
A barber who's careless
Might render me hairless;
A doctor might render me dead.
Friday, February 4, 2011
· There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
· When the only tool you have is a hammer, every thing looks like a nail.—Abraham Maslow
· When your only tool is a set of stairs, every coworker looks like a Slinky.
· Maybe if my bosses saw how many Facebook updates I can drop in a day, they'd stop saying I'm unproductive.
· I felt quite smug when the iPad came out. I'd been saying for years that the iPhone would be really big one day.
· The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
· WOD: Spartan-adj-Lacking in comforts; marked by self-discipline or self-restraint.
· AWOD: Friendship-n-Love without his wings!
· LYRIC: “We talk just like lions, but we sacrifice like lambs.”—Counting Crows: Round Here
· SAY WHAT: CANOE KEY PACE HE GRIT (can you keep a secret)
"Très bien, monsieur, boeuf cassoulet;
I shall go tell ze chef, s'il vous plaît."
Off the waiter then sped
To the kitchen and said,
"Yo, Gus! Dogs 'n' beans, right away!"
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
· I don't know why I should learn Algebra. I'm never likely to go there.
· People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.—Ralph Waldo Emerson
· Don't even get me started on statements with no context.
· Cigarettes are like hamsters... perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.
· You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
· This land is my land. This land is your land. So stay on your land.
· WOD: Caitiff-n/adj-A cowardly and despicable person –OR- cowardly, despicable.
· AWOD: Absurdity-n-A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.—Ambrose Bierce
· LYRIC: “I was lined up for glory, but the tickets sold out in advance.”—Rush: The Big Wheel
· SAY WHAT: THIGH TORE TOSS SANDY HAIR (the tortoise and the hare)
I'm taking a sweet-loving belle
To a candy boutique I know well.
My hope is my charm'll
Be heightened by caramel
Or, if she prefers, caramel.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
· If I had a nickel for every time that I've needed math, I would have 13 cents.
· Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.—A.H. Wieler
· The Post Office clerk asked me for my 'street name' to confirm delivery. "I don't have one" I replied "People call me Gene".
· I'm doing what I've always done. Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.
· My healthcare plan is pretty simple. I'm covered as long as I stay healthy.
· The Boss: "We're not eliminating your position, Smith. We're just eliminating your salary."
· WOD: Fell-adj- Fierce; cruel; lethal, as in “one fell swoop.”
· AWOD: Appetite-n-an instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.—Ambrose Bierce
· LYRIC: “I don’t want to be your tourniquet for minor lacerations.”—FFDP: Succubus
· SAY WHAT: WOOD JEWEL HIKE TOAD ANTS (would you like to dance)
A cataract surgeon named Hamel
Refined his technique on a mammal.
He'd flatter and wheedle
The beast so his needle
Could pass through the eye of a camel.
Thursday, February 17, 2012
· There are four things I'm no good with: faces, names, and numbers.
· No man is rich enough to buy back his past.—Oscar Wilde
· "I've held meetings every day. Why aren't things getting done?!"
· My dentist just won Dentist of the Year. All he got was a little plaque.
· Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I’m not as hungry as I thought I was.”
· My doctor's always changing his mind. First he says he'll treat me, then he makes me pay.
· WOD: Uxorious-adj-excessively fond of or submissive to a wife.
· AWOD: Beg-v-to ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.—Ambrose Bierce
· LYRIC: “Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years.”—Iron Maiden: Wasted Years
· SAY WHAT: MEAT ARE SIN HUE CHAIN (me tarzan, you jane)
Though it sounds a bit callous and cruel,
A cadaver's a body that's cool.
In Anatomy, Gross,
Some sport tags on their toes
Boasting, "Ma, I'm in medical school!"
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
· The moving power of mathematical invention in not reasoning but imagination.—De Morgan
· For every person with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
· The rules were already broken when I got here.
· My second ambition is to become a great adventurer and conquer new horizons. My first ambition is to get out of this chair.
· I wasn't planning on going for a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
· Most insurance plans are like hospital gowns. You only think you're covered.
· WOD: Lucubration-n- The act of studying by candlelight; nocturnal study; meditation.
· AWOD: Paranoid Dyslexic-n-someone who thinks he is following someone.
· LYRIC: “The information nation took their clues from all the sound bite gluttons.”—REM: Ignoreland
· SAY WHAT: AMP YOU’LL LANCE HIGH WREN (ambulance siren)
“running out of time”
Joe rode on the train for a while.
A lady’s box leaked near the aisle.
Joe tasted the trickles.
“Yum yum,” he said. “Pickles?”
“No, puppies,” she said with a smile.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
It is the essence of genius to make use of the the simplest ideas.—Charles Pierre Péguy
Man’s loneliness is but the fear of his life.
Despite their name, riot police don't have much of a sense of humor.
I try to live by the adage: You scratch my back; I'll let you know when to stop.
There's a fine line between a tightrope walker and the floor.
My wife thinks I'm crazy. But I'm not the one who married me.
WOD: Sitzfleisch-n-The ability to sit through or tolerate something boring.
AWOD: Q-n-just O with something in its teeth.
LYRIC: “Last night I saw the fire spreading to the palace door, silent majority weren't keeping quiet anymore.”—Creedence Clearwater Revival: Effigy
SAY WHAT: SIN TRIALS TAN DIRT I’M (central standard time)
“sold down the river”
we say in D.C.,
Although none of our Brit friends agree.
For they add in one letter,
And say "carbuRETTor."
(You know how those blokes love their T.)
Friday, March 4, 2011
· Logic is the anatomy of thought.—John Locke
· To do just the opposite is also a form of imitation.—Georg Lichtenberg
· If I can be of any help, then you're in worse shape than I thought.
· I had a fight with my shoelaces this morning. It ended up in a tie.
· I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.
· I got my wife a mirror for her birthday. That'll show her who's boss.
· WOD: Schwarmerei-n-Extravagant enthusiasm or excessive sentimentality.
· AWOD: Variety-n-the life of spies.
· LYRIC: “But for all his power [he] could not foresee his own demise.”—Iron Maiden: The Clairvoyant
· SAY WHAT: LIT STAY CAGE ANT SEWN KNIT (let’s take a chance on it)
“100 meter bacdstroke”
With a camcorder clutched in your hand
(Or affixed to a three-legged stand)
You can document all,
So to better recall
The spontaneous moments you've planned.
Monday, March 21, 2011
· All science as it grows toward perfection becomes mathematical in its ideas.—Whitehead
· The greatest pleasure I have known is to do a good action by stealth, and to have it found out by accident.—Charles Lamb
· Nobody's perfect. Especially you.
· Never could figure out why my career as tpyist came to a sudden ned.
· Me? Ignorant? I don't know the meaning of the word!
· The next time I need to send some idiot on an errand, I'll just do it myself.
· WOD: Usufruct-n- The right to use and enjoy another's property without destroying it.
· AWOD: World-n-the odds-on favorite in the battle between you and the world.
· LYRIC: “You better let somebody love you before it's too late.”—The Eagles: Desperado
· SAY WHAT: SAY CHORES HEIGHT SIGH (set your sights high)
“safety in numbers”
To understand tangents I strived.
Integration I somehow contrived
Just to grasp so I'd pass
That darn calculus class.
Then I knew that at last I derived.
Monday, March 28, 2011,
· The notion of infinity is our greatest friend; it is also the greatest enemy of our peace of mind.—James Pierpont
· There is but an inch of difference between the cushioned chamber and the padded cell.—G.K. Chesterton
· The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.
· I've been trying to lose ten pounds all morning.
· There are three types of lies: lies, damned lies, and servings per container.
· Doctor to Patient; "We've run every test we can think of and the results show you're out of money."
· WOD: Taradiddle-n- 1. A petty lie. 2. Pretentious nonsense.
· AWOD: Silence-n-that which is not only golden, but is rarely misquoted.
· LYRIC: “And I feel, so much depends on the weather.”—Stone Temple Pilots: Plush
· SAY WHAT: DAWN DUTCH MICE TOUGH (don’t touch my stuff.)
“order in the court”
I make cherry preserves, quite a few,
And do a French dance step or two.
I put up my jams,
My skirt and my gams.
I can can and can cancan. Can you?
Tuesday April 5, 2011
· It takes immense genius to represent, simply and sincerely, what we see right in front of us.—Edmond Duranty
· He gives twice who gives promptly.---Publilius Syrus
· You can own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
· I have a black eye in karate.
· If you get lost, remember, you can always find “up” by looking directly at the sun.
· Never take a boat ride in shark-infested waters with a stranger who calls you Chum.
· WOD: beau geste-n-a gracious, but often meaningless gesture.
· AWOD: Boomerang-n-a Frisbee for people who don't have any friends.
· LYRIC: “We've been alone too long, let's be alone together.”—Leonard Cohen: Waiting For The Miracle
· SAY WHAT: THIN COVE THICKEN SICK WINCES (think of the consequences)
“6 degrees below zero”
The calligrapher gained his renown
And he turned his whole trade upside down
With a fancy new script
At which somebody quipped,
"Seems we've got a new serif in town!"
Monday, April 11, 2011
· If a man's wit be wandering, let him study mathematics.—Francis Bacon
· Opinion is ultimately determined by the feelings, and not by the intellect.—Herbert Spencer
· I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.
· Work at home! Earn money! Believe anything!
· Smoke detectors need to be tested from time to time. So, sometimes I cook something.
· Dream big dreams: nap often.
· WOD: Volte-face-n- A reversal in policy or opinion; about-face.
· AWOD: Words-n-something to use when an emoticon just isn't enough.
· LYRIC: “Call me a joker, call me a fool, right at this moment I'm totally cool.”—Billy Joel: I Go To Extremes
· SAY WHAT: DEBT SNOT MUST AISLE (that’s not my style)
“go down in history”
The apostles' new band couldn't quite
Make flamenco arrangements sound tight
Till John 21:6
Brought a heavenly fix:
Jesus said, "Castanets to the right!"
Thursday, April 14, 2011
· The beautiful has its place in mathematics for here are the triumph of the creative imagination.—W.K.White
· In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.—Robert Green Ingersoll
· You don't have to be an idiot to work here. We'll train you.
· Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
· Very few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
· Due to circumstances beyond my control, I will no longer be controlling any circumstances.
· WOD: Gordian-adj-Highly intricate; extremely difficult to solve.
· AWOD: Convictions-n-more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.—Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
· LYRIC: “There's more to living than only surviving. Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying.”—Offspring, Staring At The Sun
· SAY WHAT: RARE WHEN DOUGH DEAF AUGER (rear window defogger)
The vicar said: “Now, we’ll sing hymns.
You must stand when you sing, Mrs. Simms.”
But the sister stayed sot
And said: “Rise I will not;
I can’t, I’ve got cramps in my limbs.”
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
· Numbers are the highest degree of knowledge. It is knowledge itself.—Plato
· Without the aid of prejudice and custom, I should not be able to find my way across the room.—William Hazlitt
· What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.—Oscar Levant
· No matter how often I visit New York City, I'm always struck by the same thing. A yellow taxicab.—Scott Adams
· An onion can make people cry, but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.—Will Rogers
· My life is a white button down shirt at an all you can eat spaghetti buffet.
· WOD: Pariah-n-an outcast
· AWOD: Optimistic pessimist-n-someone who looks forward to thinking the worst.
· SAY WHAT: WAY YA’LL HALF PROP PLUMS (we all have problems)
· LYRIC: “Media messiahs preying on my fears, pop culture prophets playing on my ears.”—Rush: Totem
“read between the lines”
We see jeopardy in the concession
To A.I. in its latest accession.
"This outsmarter of men,
Unlike Brad nor like Ken,
has a name in the form of a question.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
· There is no branch of mathematics, however abstract, which may not someday be applied to phenomena of the real world.—Lobachevsky
· If Columbus had an advisory committee, he would probably still be at the dock.—Justice Arthur Goldberg
· He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword if he is not very good with the sword.
· I won't rest until I find a cure for Insomnia.
· When taking a cruise the best places for whale watching are the buffet lines.
· You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
· WOD: Calliopean-adj-Piercingly loud.
· AWOD: Conscious-n-what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.—Evan Esar
· LYRIC: “It seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones you can't get.”—The Eagles: Desperado
· SAY WHAT: LIE QUARTER RAW FAD DUCTS BACK (like water off a duck’s back)
“easy on the eyes”