Good Acerbic Quotes

Sir, I admit your gen'ral rule

That every poet is a fool:

But you yourself may serve to show it,

That every fool is not a poet.—Alexander Pope

A politician is a man who can be verbose in fewer words than anyone else.—Peter de Vries

Growing old is like being increasingly penalised for a crime you haven't committed.—Anthony Powell

If you can imagine a man having a vasectomy without anaesthetic to the sound of frantic sitar-playing, you will have some idea of what popular Turkish music is like.—Bill Bryson

I worship the quicksand he walks in.—Art Buchwald

All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.—Samuel Butler

You mean apart from my own?—Zsa Zsa Gabor, When asked how many husbands she has had

Men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.—C Northcote Parkinson

Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.—Gioacchino Rossini

If a man runs after money, he's money-mad; if he keeps it, he's a capitalist; if he spends it, he's a playboy; if he doesn't get it, he's a ne'er-do-well; if he doesn't try to get it, he lacks ambition. If he gets it without working for it, he's a parasite; and if he accumulates it after a lifetime of hard work, people call him a fool who never got anything out of life.—Vic Oliver

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind... Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to.—Joseph Heller

What is a modern poet's fate?

To write his thoughts upon a slate;

The critic spits on what is done,

Gives it a wipe and all is gone.—Thomas Hood

Je suis Marxiste - tendance Groucho.

I am a Marxist - of the Groucho tendency.—Anonymous

I love living. I have some problems with my life, but living is the best thing they've come up with so far.—Neil Simon

A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.—Robert Frost

I had the radio on.—Marilyn Monroe, When asked if she really had nothing on in the famous calendar photograph:

The fountain of youth is dull as paint.

Methuselah is my favourite saint.

I've never been so comfortable before,

Oh I'm so glad I'm not young any more.—Alan Jay Lerner

The only place you can wake up in the morning and hear the birds coughing in the trees.—Joe Frisco , talking about Hollywood

I have often wished I had time to cultivate modesty... But I am too busy thinking about myself.—Edith Sitwell

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.—Fran Lebowitz

Our days will be so ecstatic

Our nights will be so exotic

For I'm a neurotic erratic

And you're an erratic erotic.—E Y Harburg

Love conquers all things - except poverty and toothache.—Mae West

Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands - and all you can do is scratch it.—Thomas Beecham, To a cellist

I feel as I always have, except for an occasional heart attack.—Robert Benchley, Returning for his 25th homecoming at Harvard in 1937

If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract - teach him to deduct.—Fran Lebowitz

I have nothing against undertakers personally. It's just that I wouldn't want one to bury my sister.—Jessica Mitford

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.—Victoria Wood

The policy of the Government is not to reduce the speed of motor cars (for that would be fantastic and fatal), but to increase the speed of pedestrians. It is hoped to educate the pedestrians to such a degree of alertness and alacrity that he will at last approximate to the hen.—A P Herbert, written in 1935

This very remarkable man

Commends a most practical plan:

You can do what you want

If you don't think you can't,

So don't think you can't think you can.—Charles Inge

... everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.—Will Rogers

I get paid for seeing that my clients have every break the law allows. I have knowingly defended a number of guilty men. But the guilty never escape unscathed. My fees are sufficient punishment for anyone.—F. Lee Bailey

Sirs, I have tested your machine. It adds a new terror to life and makes death a long-felt want.—Herbert Beerbolm Tree, A critic writes about the gramophone (1956)

God is not dead but alive and working on a much less ambitious project.—Anonymous

[Friends are] "God's apology for relations.—Hugh Kingsmill

I'm amazed he was such a good shot.—Noel Coward, On being told his accountant had blown his brains out

He had all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.—Sam Houston

Either he's dead, or my watch has stopped.—Groucho Marx

My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.—A A Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

With history one can never be certain, but I think I can safely say that Aristotle Onassis would not have married Mrs. Khrushchev.—Gore Vidal, Asked what would have happened in 1963 had Khrushchev and not Kennedy been assassinated

In '29 when the banks went bust, Our coins still read 'In God We Trust'.—E Y Harburg

With kindness.—George S. Kaufman, on how he would kill himself

Everything's getting on top of me. I can't switch off. I've got a self-cleaning oven - I have to get up in the night to see if it's doing it.—Victoria Wood

I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation.—W. Somerset Maugham

What is a highbrow? He is a man who has found something more interesting than women.—Edgar Wallace (1932)

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.—Muhammad Ali

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.—Mark Twain

If you haven't got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.—Alice Roosevelt Longworth

The best fame is a writer's fame: it's enough to get a table in a good restaurant, but not enough that you get interrupted when you eat.—Fran Lebowitz

People wish their enemies dead - but I do not; I say give them the gout, give them the stone!—Lady Mary Wortley Montagu

'There's been an accident,' they said,

'Your servant's cut in half; he's dead!'

'Indeed!' said Mr Jones, 'and please,

Send me the half that's got my keys.'—Harry Graham

Billy, in one of his nice new sashes,

Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes;

Now, although the room grows chilly,

I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy..—Harry Graham

If one hears bad music it is one's duty to drown it in conversation.—Oscar Wilde

Television is simultaneously blamed, often by the same people, for worsening the world and for being powerless to change it.—Clive James

Should not the Society of Indexers be known as Indexers, Society of, The ?—Keith Waterhouse

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.—Dean Martin

I used to think I was an interesting person, but I must tell you how sobering a thought it is to realise your life's story fills about thirty-five pages and you have, actually, not much to say.—Roseanne Arnold

Ich bin Berliner. (I am a donut.)—John F. Kennedy, meaning to say “Ich bin EIN Berliner,” (I am a Berliner.  Berliner is the German name for a donut.

I am stuck in the back of a car with a woman who has the political views of Attila the Hun and I'm about to let her have it between the hat.—Alan Ayckbourn

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a cross-roads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.—Woody Allen

A: I play it the company way

Where the company puts me, there I'll stay.

B: But what is your point of view?

A: I have no point of view!

Supposing the company thinks... I think so too!—Frank Loesser ('The Company Way')

My only regret in the theatre is that I could never sit out front and watch me.—John Barrymore (Actor)

If you have nothing to say, or, rather, something extremely stupid and obvious, say it, but in a 'plonking' tone of voice - ie roundly, but hollowly and dogmatically.—Stephen Potter, In a book called Lifemanship, written in 1950

But I'm not so think as you drunk I am.—J.C. Squire

Hollywood: They know only one word of more than one syllable here and that is fillum.—Louis Sherwin

Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing.—P.J. O'Rourke

I'm really very fond of Tom but he really is terribly heavy going. Like running up a hill in roller skates.—Alan Ayckbourn

I have had some extremely endearing bulls. I had one Ayrshire bull down in Kent who was extremely friendly. One day he walked into a wedding reception in the village hall. He was, of course, perfectly harmless but caused a bit of a panic. I believe he also knocked over the wedding cake.—Lord Massereene and Ferrard

What is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set, ingenious machine for turning, with infinite artfulness, the red wine of Shiraz into urine?—Isak Dinesen (1934)

The fun of talk is to find what a man really thinks, and then contrast it with the enormous lies he has been telling all dinner, and, perhaps, all his life.—Benjamin Disraeli

One day they may tell you you will not go far,

That night you open and there you are.

Next day on your dressing room

They hang a star!

Let's go on with the show!—Irving Berlin

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?—Jean Kerr

A way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question.—Albert Camus, Definition of charm

No matter how politely or distinctly you ask a Parisian a question he will persist in answering you in French.—Fran Lebowitz

I would earnestly warn you against trying to find out the reason for and explanation of everything... To try and find out the reason for everything is very dangerous and leads to nothing but disappointment and dissatisfaction, unsettling your mind and in the end making you miserable.—Queen Victoria (1883)

A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.—Ronald Knox, Definition of a baby

Put all your eggs in one basket - and WATCH THAT BASKET.—Mark Twain

The best that can be said for Norwegian television is that it gives you the sensation of a coma without the worry and inconvenience.—Bill Bryson

A bore is simply a nonentity who resents his humble lot in life, and seeks satisfaction for his wounded ego by forcing himself on his betters.—HL Mencken

Blurbs that appear on the back cover and in the advertisements recommending the book in glowing terms... are written by friends of the author who haven't read the book but owe the poor guy a favour.—Art Buckwald

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise - surprise and fear... fear and surprise... out two weapons are fear and surprise - and ruthless efficiency... our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.. our four... Amongst our weapons - amongst our weaponry - are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again.—Graham Chapman, John Cleese (Monty Python)

You talked animatedly for some time about language being the aniseed trail that draws the hounds of heaven when the metaphysical fox has gone to earth; he must have thought you were barmy.—Tom Stoppard

If you're going through hell, keep going.—Sir Winston Churchill

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.—Mahatma Gandhi

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great.—Mark Twain

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.—Sir Winston Churchill

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.—Bernard Meltzer

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.—Albert Einstein

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.—Herm Albright

What can be more palpably absurd than the prospect held out of locomotives traveling twice as fast as stagecoaches?—The Quarterly Review, England (March 1825)

While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially I consider it an impossibility, a development of which we need waste little time dreaming.—Lee DeForest (American radio pioneer)

Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.—Lord Kelvin, British mathematician and physicist

There is no need for any individual to have a computer in their home.--Ken Olson, 1977, President, Digital Equipment Corp.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.—Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.—Sir Winston Churchill

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.—Sir Winston Churchill

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work, Y is play, Z is keep your mouth shut.—Albert Einstein

My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.—Cary Grant

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.—Arthur Miller

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.—George Bernard Shaw

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.—George Bernard Shaw

Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability.—George Bernard Shaw

Virtue is insufficient temptation.—George Bernard Shaw

How young can you die of old age?—Steven Wright

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.—George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.—George Burns

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.—Steve Martin

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.—Steve Martin

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?—Paul Merton

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."—Joan Rivers

I'm a hero with coward's legs.—Spike Milligan

It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that.—Alan Alda

Eighty percent of success is showing up.—Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.—Woody Allen

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.—Woody Allen

It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself.—Muhammad Ali

Life is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms and legs in car accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die, some get hurt, some go on. You just don't let yourself believe it will happen to you.—Muhammad Ali

The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses - behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights.—Muhammad Ali

There are four stages in a marriage. First there's the affair, then the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.—Norman Mailer

Ultimately a hero is a man who would argue with the gods, and so awakens devils to contest his vision. The more a man can achieve, the more he may be certain that the devil will inhabit a part of his creation.—Norman Mailer

Writing books is the closest men ever come to childbearing.—Norman Mailer

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.—Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.—Groucho Marx

People from a planet without flowers would think we must be mad with joy the whole time to have such things about us.—Iris Murdoch

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!—Dolly Parton

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.—Bob Hope

Don't wait. The time will never be just right.—Napoleon Hill

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.—Bill Cosby

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.—Dalai Lama

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy.—Robert Anthony

Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead.—Anonymous

I've always made a total effort, even when the odds seemed entirely against me. I never quit trying; I never felt that I didn't have a chance to win.—Arnold Palmer

He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.—Chinese Proverb

Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself.—Chinese Proverb

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.—Richard L. Evans

USA: "Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings.—George Will

The guy with the biggest stomach will be the first to take off his shirt at a baseball game.—Glenn Dickey

The minute you start talking about what you're going to do if you lose, you have lost.—George Shultz

Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.—David Lloyd George

But man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated.—Ernest Hemingway

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.—Dave Barry

You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.—Ziggy

Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.—Sloan Wilson

Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.—George E. Woodberry

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.—Ambrose Redmoon

Humor distorts nothing, and only false Gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.—Agnes Repplier

Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.—Mahatma Gandhi

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.—Walt Disney

It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small.—Neil Armstrong

No one is so generous as he who has nothing to give.—French Proverb

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.—Buddha

There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.—Colonel Sanders

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.—Norm Crosby

There are no passengers on spaceship earth. We are all crew.—Marshall McLuhan

Not all who wander are lost.—J. R. R. Tolkien

If you want a symbolic gesture, don't burn the flag; wash it.—Norman Thomas

Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.—Henry Van Dyke

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.—Ingrid Bergman

Never ascribe to an opponent motives meaner than your own.—John M. Barrie

Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made.—Otto von Bismark

A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.—David Brink

My riches consist not in the extent of my possessions, but in the fewness of my wants.—J. Brotherton

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.—H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Find a job you like and you add five days to every week.—H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.—Edward George Bulwer-Lytton

We are the people our parents warned us about.—Jimmy Buffett

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.—Dale Carnegie

It is not for him to pride himself who loveth his own country, but rather for him who loveth the whole world. The earth is but one country and mankind its citizens.—Baha'u'llah

When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do.—William Blake

Freedom is that instant between when someone tells you to do something and when you decide how to respond.—Dr. Jeffrey Borenstein

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.—William Jennings Bryan

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.—Albert Camus

In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer.—Albert Camus

The most wasted day of all is that during which we have not laughed.—Sebastian R. N. Chamfort

If writers were good businessmen, they'd have too much sense to be writers.—Irvin S. Cobb

When one buys some of my artwork I hope it is because they will wish to learn from it and not because they think it will match their drapes!—Christian Cardell Corbet

We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end.—Benjamin Disraeli

You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.—Henry Drummond

Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people.—André Dubus

When I was a small boy growing up in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing and as we sat there in the warmth of a summer afternoon on a riverbank we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I told him that I wanted to be a real major-league baseball player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner. My friend said that he'd like to be President of the United States. Neither of us got our wish.—Dwight D. Eisenhower

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.—William Feather

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.—Anatole France

Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live.—Margaret Fuller

I learned that if you want to make it bad enough, no matter how bad it is, you can make it.—Gale Sayers

Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs.—Malcolm Stevenson Forbes

The world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers and cities; but to know someone here and there who thinks and feels with us, and though distant, is close to us in spirit - this makes the earth for us an inhabited garden.—Johann von Goethe

The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth which it prevents you from achieving.—Russell Green

The fireworks begin today. Each diploma is a lighted match. Each one of you is a fuse.—Ed Koch

He's called a broker because after you deal with him you are.—Anonymous

Auditors are the troops who watch a battle from the safety of a hillside and, when the battle is over, come down to count the dead and bayonet the wounded.—Anonymous

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.—Name withheld - Major US comedy actor to major US singer/actress

Hollywood is where the stars twinkle, then wrinkle.—Victor Mature

I knew her before she was a virgin.—Oscar Levant on Doris Day

You look like a million dollars - all green and wrinkled.—Joseph Rosenbloom

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.—Emo Philips

You can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war they kill you in a new way.—Will Rogers

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.—Ogden Nash

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.—Erma Bombeck

It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.—William Faulkner

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.—Benjamin Franklin

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!—Tommy Cooper

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.—Emo Philips

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.—Johnny Carson

The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea.—Les Dawson

When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.—Rita Rudner

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?—Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.—Rita Rudner

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.—Dennis Wholey

Politics' is made up of two words. 'Poli,' which is Greek for 'many,' and 'tics,' which are bloodsucking insects.—Gore Vidal

I know that God won't give me more trouble than I can handle ... but sometimes I wish he wouldn't trust me so much.—Mother Teresa

I am a part of all that I have met.—Alfred Lord Tennyson

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.—John Lennon

I'm not afraid of death because I don't believe in it. It's just getting out of one car, and into another.—John Lennon

When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do: kick over the table.—Dean Martin

After enlightenment, the laundry.—Zen proverb

No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place.—Zen proverb

A man should live if only to satisfy his curiosity.—Yiddish proverb

Life is like an onion. Why is life like an onion? Because you peel away layer after layer and when you come to the end you have nothing.—Yiddish proverb

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.—W.C. Fields

There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in traveling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place.—Washington Irving

A tart temper never mellows with age; and a sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use.—Washington Irving

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.—Victor Borge

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.—Vince Lombardi

Winning is not everything, but wanting to win is.—Vince Lombardi

A cat will look down to a man. A dog will look up to a man. But a pig will look you straight in the eye and see his equal.—Anonymous

I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.—Thomas Edison

Many of life's failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up.—Thomas Edison

I never did a day's work in my life, it was all fun.—Thomas Edison

When you ain't got no money, you gotta get an attitude.—Richard Prior

A friend is a present you give yourself.—Robert Louis Stevenson

To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive.—Robert Louis Stevenson

Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.—Roseanne Barr

Euphemisms are not, as many young people think, useless verbiage for that which can and should be said bluntly; they are like secret agents on a delicate mission, they must airily pass by a stinking mess with barely so much as a nod of the head, make their point of constructive criticism and continue on in calm forbearance. Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne.—Quentin Crisp

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.—Quentin Crisp

We must use time wisely and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.—Nelson Mandela

Few men know how to kiss well. Fortunately, I've always had time to teach them.—Mae West

I got a simple rule about everybody. If you don't treat ‘em right -- shame on you!—Louis Armstrong

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.—Katharine Hepburn

I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.—Rita Mae Brown

I have a spelling checker

It came with my PC;

It plainly marks four my revue

Mistakes I cannot sea.

I've run this poem threw it,

I'm sure your pleased too no,

Its letter perfect in it's weigh,

My checker tolled me sew—Jane Minor

The most delightful advantage of being bald - one can hear snowflakes.—R.G Daniels

If die I must, let me die drinking in an inn.—Walter Map

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's the best they are going to feel all day.—Dean Martin

I used to be Snow White - but I drifted.—Mae West

Consumer capitalism has eaten up the Church, the state, trade unions, extended families, everywhere that people learn morality.—Irvine Walsh

[Definition of] Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.—Ambrose Bierce

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.—Anonymous

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it's their fault.—Henry Kissinger

Courage - or putting it more accurately, lack of fear - is a result of discipline. By an act of will, a man refuses to think of the reasons for fear, and so concentrates entirely on winning the battle.—Richard Nixon

A painter paints, a musician plays, a writer writes - but a movie actor waits.—Mary Astor

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.—PG Wodehouse

I want to register a complaint. Do you know who sneaked into my room at three o'clock this morning? - Who?       Nobody, and that's my complaint.—Groucho Marx

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.—Phyllis Diller

Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.—Anonymous

Believe nothing of what you hear, and only half of what you see.—Anonymous

I think that I shall never see

A billboard lovely as a tree.

Indeed, unless the billboards fall

I'll never see a tree at all.—Ogden Nash

Come quickly, I am tasting stars!—Dom Perignon,on discovering champagne

A well balanced person has a drink in each hand.—Billy Connolly

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.—Oscar Wilde

A committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.—Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree

The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey.—Brian Johnston, Classic cricket commentary comedy

It is difficult but not impossible to conduct strictly honest business. What is true is that honesty is incompatible with the amassing of a large fortune.—Gandhi

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.—Scott Adams

One cannot review a bad book without showing off—W.H. Auden

Distrust yourself, and sleep before you fight. 'Tis not too late tomorrow to be brave.—Dr John Armstrong

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.—Fred Allen

To my daughter Leonora without whose never failing sympathy and encouragement this book would have been finished in half the time.—P.G. Wodehouse, Dedication

Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.—Clifton Fadiman

Yes, once - many, many years ago. I thought I had made a wrong decision. Of course, it turned out that I had been right all along. But I was wrong to have thought that I was wrong.—John Foster Dulles

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.—David Fincher

Fine words butter no parsnips.—Proverb

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.—Christopher Hampton

Loneliness is the poverty of soul; solitude is the richness of self.—May Sarton

In the arts, the critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising.—Pauline Kael

Where were you fellows when the paper was blank?—Fred Allen, Remarking to writers who heavily edited his script...

A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car.—Kenneth Tynan

The only really happy people are married women and single men.—H.L Mencken

Never eat anything at one sitting that you can't lift.—Miss Piggy

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have the time.—Tallulah Bankhead

Tears are sometime an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile.—Julie Burchill

He reminds me of the man who murdered both his parents, and then, when sentence was about to be pronounced, pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan.—Abraham Lincoln

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.—Edward Teller

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.—Dorothy Parker

Unless the bastards have the courage to give you unqualified praise, I say ignore them.—John Steinbeck, On critics

The best number for a dinner party is two: myself and a damn good head waiter.—Nubar Gulbenkian

I've always thought a hotel ought to offer optional small animals... I mean a cat to sleep on your bed at night, or a dog of some kind to act pleased when you come in. You ever notice how a hotel room feels so lifeless?—Anne Tyler

The airplane stays up because it doesn't have the time to fall.—Orville Wright, Explaining how powered flight works

Intellect is invisible to the man who has none.—Arthur Schopenhauer

Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.—Erica Jong

Here lies a poor woman who always was tired,

For she lived in a place where help wasn't hired.

Her last words on earth were, Dear friends I am going

where washing ain't done nor sweeping nor sewing.

And everything there is exact to my wishes,

For there they don't eat and there's no washing of dishes...

Don't mourn for me now, don't mourn for me never,

For I'm going to do nothing for ever and ever.—Epitaph

Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder.

She burst while drinking a seidlitz powder.

Called from the world to her heavenly rest,

She should have waited till it effervesced.—Epitaph

I know I am God because when I pray to Him I find I'm talking to myself.—Peter Barnes

One should try everything once, except incest and folk-dancing.—Sir Arnold Bax

Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.—Anonymous

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.—Sir Geoffrey Hugh Benbow Streatfield

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.—W.C. Fields

Being young is not having any money; being young is not minding not having any money.—Katharine Whitehorn

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.—John Buchan

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.—Robert Benchley

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet 'em on your way down.—Wilson Mizner

It is a pity that the composer did not leave directions as to how flat he really did want it sung.—Anonymous

We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.—Bobby Robson

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paper work.—Peter de Vries

Commuter - one who spends his life

In riding to and from his wife;

A man who shaves and takes a train,

And then rides back to shave again.—E.B White

Traffic is like a bad dog. It isn't important to look both ways when crossing the street. It's important to not show fear.—P.J O'Rourke

There was laughter in the back of the theatre, leading to the belief that someone was telling jokes back there.—George S. Kaufman

Don't clap too hard - it's a very old building.—John Osborne

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance?—Ronald Reagan

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.—Dorothy Parker

He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it, hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.—C.S. Lewis

I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I strongly object when they start shaking them to make certain they are still going.—Lord Birkett

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.—Ed Gardner

My God! She looks like I do in a spoon!—Mrs Patrick Campbell

I never climbed any ladder: I have achieved eminence by sheer gravitation.—George Bernard Shaw

It is better to waste one's youth than to do nothing with it at all.—Georges Courteline

Whom the Gods wish to destroy they first call promising.—Cyril Connolly

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit. Try, if you can, to belong to the first class. There's far less competition.—Dwight Morrow

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.—WC Fields

My good man, I'm not a strawberry!—Edward VII, To a footman who had accidentally spilt cream over him

If, of all words of tongue and pen,

The saddest are, 'It might have been,'

More sad are these we daily see:

'It is, but hadn't ought to be!—Bret Harte

All you have to do is keep the five players who hate your guts away from the five who are undecided.—Casey Stengel, How to be a baseball manager

The thing about sport, any sport, is that swearing is very much part of it.—Jimmy Greaves

The rain, it raineth on the just

And also on the unjust fella:

But chiefly on the just, because

The unjust steals the just's umbrella.—Lord Bowen

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.—Margot Asquith

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