Groucho Marx

1890 - 1977

Comedian, Actor, Television Personality

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I find television very educating. Every time sombody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more that she ever did.

I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and You come home.

Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
 - on resigning from the Friar's Club in Hollywood

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.

I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case.

Do they allow tipping on the boat?
- Yes, sir.
Have you got two fives?
- Oh, yes, sir.
Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I'm breaking it in for a friend.
 (Julius Marx)

Since my daughter is only Half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
 - when excluded from a beach club on racial grounds

There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says Yes you know he is crooked.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Room Service? Send up a larger room.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Time wounds all heels.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.

My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I do hope that we become better strangers.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began at the age of eighty to learn Greek. I am amazed no longer. Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!



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