Henny Youngman 1906-1998 American Comedian and Violinist "King of the One-Liners"

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

 

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

 

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

 

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.  If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live.  The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.  The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."  Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"  The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!"  "I AM 60!"  "See, what did I tell  you?"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?"  The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!"  The man says "How does a man get pregnant?"  The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."  "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge.  The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking."  The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett and her dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday."  I asked "When's payday?"  He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!"  I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week."  I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?  They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?  They want to.

A car hit a Jewish man.  The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"  The man says, "I make a good living."

Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?"  The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am."  An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over."  The man does this.  The woman says, "You're seventy four."  The man says, "How can you tell?"  The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

A man calls a lawyer's office.  The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz."  The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."  "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."  "He's on a big case, not available for a week."  "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."  "He's playing golf today."  "Okay,  then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."  "Speaking."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away."  The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?"  "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours.  I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?"  He said, "because I was going up!"

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

I bet on a horse at ten to one.  It didn't come in until half-past five.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I didn't sleep well last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother, and I was a bottle baby.

A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'

This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'

Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'

My doctor told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'OK, you're ugly, too.'

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

I flew on an airplane, the food was fit for a king. Here, King!

Take my wife, please.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!"

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

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