Korpi Kwotes 

Through the years, in my attempts to illustrate my points, I have reportedly said some oxymoronic things and some pretty plain moronic things.  Many are malapropisms, pleonasms, and tautologies.  Here is a collection of the latter type of quips, quotes, and quarks that students have collected or tried to forget.  I neither confirm nor deny saying these things.

1.         I can guarantee that you might not understand this.

2.         I’m coming to you live, not prerecorded!

3.         The preceding theorem is called the ‘Squeeze Theorem,’ except in lunch-hour class, where we refer to it as the ‘Sandwich Theorem.’

4.         The Squeeze Theorem is the rule at play here.  Actually, it is at work.

5.         Goldfish have a memory of only 7 seconds.  So, if you told them the same joke over and over again, they would laugh every time.

6.         Save the tomatoes for the Pasta. (after one student put down another.)

7.         OOPS, Tall carpet.  (after stumbling and nearly falling from dragging my feet.)

8.         You don’t want to go out in the hall and dance with me, cause I’m a bad dancer, and I’ll step all over you.

9.         Abbreviations are OK.  Mathematicians are notorious for shorthanding, just don’t abbreviate you numbers or your thoughts.

10.      MMMMMM.  That was a good lunch, but I digest.

11.      I’ve got good news and bad news.  The good news is, there’s no bad news.

12.      You wouldn’t get much coke from a can with zero radius.  All you’d get is angrier . . . which would just make you thirstier.

13.      Coke cans are made by the millions.  This one in my hand, since it’s unopened, is not worth much, maybe 50 cents . . . or a dollar at Six Flags.

14.      The good news is, we can treat each term separately.  The bad news  . . . well, there is no bad news . . . So that’s just more good news.

15.      9er-3ish. (Inadvertently counted as a correct answer on a student’s test.)

16.      “How are you today, Mike?” asked Mr. Korpi.  “Negative five,” responded Mike.

17.      I’m Mr. Korpi.  A man who takes his humor very seriously.

18.      “Who is Anon?”  anonymous student

19.      I love to eat lint in the morning with my coffee.  It gives me a warm-fuzzy feeling.

20.      Humor is very important, but it should never be a substitute for substance.  

21.      You can remember the formula by making a word out of it, like “Veruw.” (on how to remember V=rw)

22.      Korpi: “That sure is a big eraser”

1. Pete:  “yah, it’s from Germany.”
2. Korpi: “I guess they make bigger mistakes there.”
3. Joe:  “Yah, like the Holocaust.”

23.      Please do these problems in the privacy of your own home.

24.      The test will be similar will be the review.  I will change all the numbers, except Pi will still be 3.14159. . .

25.      If you want a good costume this Halloween, go as a fraction.  Many people are terrified of them.

26.      Let’s do this problem with fractions.  They’re numbers, too, you know.  We wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings, now, would we?

27.      (While writing on the chalkboard) your problem on your paper should look exactly like this . . . except much smaller.

28.      Korpi:  Today we are studying ‘periodic functions.’ Can someone use ‘periodic’ in a sentence?

4. Student:  Last night I had to memorize the Periodic Table.
5. Korpi:  OK, that just backfired.

29.      Don’t erase. Don’t erase.  You haven’t made a mistake.  You have just discovered a method that successfully will not work.

30.      When NASA sends those guys with space suits into space . . . .  . you know, Astronauts (I break up laughing.)

31.      OK, to illustrate the relationship between linear and angular velocity, let’s say we were taping ants to a spinning record.  Which ants do you think will puke first?  The ones at the center?  The ones on the edge?  What do you think ant puke looks like?

32.      Growing up in the Valley, I was surprised to learn when we moved away that my name was not Pinche volio.

33.      My mother told me to respond to ‘pinche volio’ with ‘louse boop’ a Finnish expression for silly boy.  Pinche Madre I exclaimed.

34.      Why would we even want to talk about the derivative where the graph didn’t exist?  What would be the point?

35.      . . . and so we have derived the derivative, quite appropriately.  Next semester we shall integrate it with the integral.

36.      Please don’t sleep in my class.  It dampens my style.

37.      What would I call a genuine effort?  If you turn your paper in, and it is very worn, as if you did a lot of erasing, coffee stains, lots of wrinkles, perhaps dried sweat and tear stains all over, and a few drops of dried blood from possible paper cuts. (defining effort for completion grade on homework)

38.      The first step to evaluating Trig functions on the calculator is to turn the calculator on.

39.      The main difference between the TI-83 and the TI-83 +, is that the 83+ has more RAM, so it plays game much faster.

40.      If I had a nickel for every time I’ve made that same stupid mistake, I’d have five cents.  

41.      There’s a first time for everything.  Believe it or not, this is the first time I’ve made a mistake on this problem today, in this class.  You all are witnessing a historical event.  Come back next time for another.

42.      No, I’m sorry, the answer is 3, not 2.  It would only be 2 for very large values of 2.

43.      So I was driving down the road and I glanced at my derivativeometer . . .

44.      There once was a logarithmic function

6. Who crossed another at some junction
7. But they ne’er introduced
8. So we now must deduce
9. That they both are filled with compunction.

45.      There was a Precalculus student

10. Who knew how to study, but wouldn’t
11. So by logs he got burned
12. And a lesson he learned:
13. “To study for tests is quite prudent.”

46.      (When asked if his newborn son was mathematically gifted). My son is my prodigious progeny.  He can already count on all eleven fingers.

47.      What we are going to do today is develop methods for Scurve Ketching . . . which is much more difficult than curve sketching.  Have you ever tried to Catch a Scurve?

48.      And he you are, in Precalculus, having already completed yearlong courses in Algebra I and Algebra II, and you finally get see the Fundamental Theorem of Algebra.

49.      When would you ever need to find the volume of an irregular curved surface?  What if you were eating dinner at Church’s chicken and needed to calculate the volume of the dinner roll?

50.      This method of integration is appropriately called u-substitution, because without you, it won’t work.

51.      Remember, just because a function is peculiar, doesn’t mean it’s odd.

52.      I think Hyperbolas are misnamed.  Each of the branches looks like a bowl.  Since there are two branches, I would have called them Pair-o’-bowlas, But Parabola was already taken.

53.      The method is called logarithmic differentiation.  Once you master it, you can refer to it affectionately simply as Log Diff.

54.      The method of Rationalization Conjugation is Jesse Jackson’s preferred method for evaluating limits.

55.      RAT CON: for evaluation limits in a rational expression where either the numerator or the denominator has two terms, at least one of which is a radical.  It can also be used to kill roaches.

56.      The function ‘e to the x’ is quite a peculiar function.  It is its own derivative.  It is the only function that reproduces asexually.

57.      We call the family of basic functions from which we can obtain others through transformations, Mother Functions.  Not all functions are Mother Functions, though some can be a booger.

58.      The derivative of acceleration is the jerk.  I don’t know what comes after that, perhaps A-hole.

59.      When finding angles in radians, don’t forget the Pi!! It is an important part of a mathematical diet.

60.      OK, let’s say that you get pulled over in your car, and the police officer is well versed in the Mean Value theorem for derivatives, call him, “Calculus Cop.”  

61.      Any student who wishes to solve the Riemann Hypothesis will receive a $1million prize from the Clay Institute and 5 bonus points on a test from me.

62.      A vertical line can’t have any slope.  You must be able to ski down a slope.  Going down a vertical line is not called skiing, it’s called free falling.

63.      If Santa was up on his rules of exponents, ‘HO HO HO’ would become ‘HO CUBED.’

64.      Does the graph of tangent repeat itself? Does the graph of tangent repeat itself?  Like I just did?

65.      Korpi:  Asymptotes are like gravity.  The graphs are ‘pulled’ toward them.

14. Student:  Then why do those values go up?

66.      Don’t ever leave a problem blank.  Put your birthday or favorite number down, something anything.  You will still probably be wrong, but there is that one in a zillion shot that you might be correct.

67.      I wouldn’t doubt it if they came on the intercom and just said, “Teachers and students, please pardon this interruption.”

68.      Don’t mistake my sense of the ridiculous for ridiculous sense.

69.      That which is common knowledge is not necessarily common practice.

70.      We must act decisively in the absence of certainty.

71.      I am less than or equal to 40 years old.

72.      What I meant to emphasize when turning in your test corrections was to make sure your problems are CORRECT!

73.      Yes, you may use your calculators so long as they stay turned off.  They do make a good straightedge.

74.      We will be having a pop-quiz next time in class.

75.      Now that we have proven this theorem, feel free to use it whenever and wherever you want.

76.      So the answer is 5x . . . “you forgot the square,” quickly chimed a student . . . squared.  You didn’t let me finish.

77.      The longest I’ve ever ran was five miles, but I once drove straight through to Minnesota.

78.      How many of you have ever seen or not seen a record player?

79.      Some of you use your calculator as a crutch, others as a stretcher.

80.      You read a graph like you read a book: from paragraph to paragraph, front to back, and most importantly, from left to right.

81.      Let’s verify this Identity with a number, any number, say 5.621752189617613694768147654664 . . .

82.      The chapter celebration of mathematical knowledge will be next Tuesday.  I’ll bring the paper products, you bring the rest.

83.      Use exponential notation (written next to a US History prompt left over from the previous class: Why did relations between the US Government and American Indians deteriorated?)

84.      Introducing the second most famous irrational number in all of mathematics behind Pi, ladies and gentlemen . . . . e!

85.      This assignment is due Wednesday, a week from today.  Be sure to start it by the weekend, or at least by next Wednesday morning.

86.      Growing up, I was kind of fickle.  My favorite number was x.

87.      OK, let’s say there’s a drag race, and when I say drag race, I don’t mean two guys wearing tutus and running shoes.

88.      The limit is a notion of motion, the idea of forever getting closer and closer and closer to a value without ever really getting there.  It is a rather pointless journey, or can be, that’s not the point.

89.      The idea of the limit can be demonstrated by the ‘half the distance to the goal’ penalty in football.  The penalty can theoretically happen over and over and over again past football season.  Not only will the referees get frustrated, the coach will get furious, and the guy jumping offside will eventually get yanked, the ball will NEVER end up in the end zone.

90.      Let’s say I spent every hour of every day from now until I was very very old, say 150, plugging in different number into this equation and getting true statements.  In addition to getting very sleepy and hungry, I would be no closer to proving the statement was an Identity.  I could not make it so as my dying wish.  All I have done is wasted a lifetime of senseless verification.

91.      It’s not like Fermat gasped the words with his final breath, “I believe that for integer values of n larger that two, the sum of two non-zero integers raised to the nth power cannot be expressed as a single non-zero integer raised to the same power.” (On Fermat’s last theorem)

92.      The main thing to remember when taking this test is to read the directions carefully, don’t rely to heavily on your calculator, show all your work, round to 3 decimals, simplify radicals and fractions when appropriate, leave no negative exponents, and, oh yah, get the right answers.

93.      Raise your hand if you’re not here.

94.      There is an isomorphism between the words synonym and isomorphism, but they are not synonymous.

95.      Is the inverse also a function?  Does it pass the vertical dry-erase marker test?

96.      That was too much fun.  We need to do that less often.

97.      A graphing calculator is a very powerful, relatively inexpensive, hand-held computing device used primarily in upper-level math classes to play games on.

98.      A function can be thought of as a ‘machine’ that takes an input, chosen independently from anything within your domain, and transforms it into something new with a range of possibilities.  The output, of course, depends upon what you put in.  For example, if we the function a wood chipper, a log is the independent variable.  Put any log in.  The wood chips are the output or dependent variable.  If I had put something different in, say my buddy, I would obtain something entirely different.  The outputs are entirely unique for each independent choice of input.  You wouldn’t expect to put your buddy in and get wood chips out, would you?  Now, and inverse function ‘undoes’ the work of the function.  In this case, the inverse function, or machine, would allow you to put the wood chips in and get the log back out, which would be very difficult, but easier than trying to get my buddy back.

99.      I didn’t do that on purpose . . . or did I.  It was subconsciously intentional.

100.   It’s kind of oxymoronic that radical notation is actually more conservative that rational exponential notation.

101.   If you rewrite the problem first, you only have two embedded functions, rather than three, which will give you a shorter chain, but it’s not like we’re trying to lock up our bicycle to a pole, so we really don’t need a long chain. (on use of the chain rule)

102.   Leibniz notation for the chain rule is very formal, requiring u-substitution.  Composite function notation is less formal, more of a snappy casual notation.

103.   So the graph of tangent is monotonic increasing.  Is it also one to one?  NO.  The y-values are not just two-timing an x value.  They are infinitely-timing them.  I mean, we can begin to call her certain names.

104.   Since I went to A&M for two years, I feel like I’ve earned the right to tell Aggie jokes, although I don’t get half of them.

105.   No, that’s no a cigarette in his mouth.  Those are his lips.  He’s saying, “OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”  The guy operating the ride is the one smoking a cigarette.

106.   Is it going to rain today?  I don’t know.  That all depends on the weather.

107.   Sin and Cosine are considered to model Harmonic motion.  Think about the two graphs on the same axis, offset from each other by Pi halves.  They look like two playful dolphins harmoniously frolicking in the peaceful sea. . . . or they don’t.

108.   So the graph of tangent x reveals that it is monotonic increasing, but is it one-to-one?  Heck no.  Not only is each y-value two-timing with x-values, but three-timing, four-timing, infinity-timing.  She’s seeing so many different x-values, she has developed quite a reputation.

109.   I don’t know where my Hall pass is.  Here, take this rubber band.  If anyone asks, say it belongs to Mr. Korpi.

110.   Now we have to shift the graph of cosine to the right by 1.333 seconds.  If we had happened up the system 1.333 seconds earlier, the phase shift would have been zero, and the equation would have been easier to find.  The moral of the story:  DON’T BE TARDY.

111.   It’s my mousetrap.  (when a student asked what an old computer mouse tied into a loop laying on the floor was.)

112.   So the problem says, “ A person of weight W is standing on an oak board on the incline.”  Does any body in here weigh W?

113.   To a topologist, a coffee mug, a doughnut, and a trombone are the same thing.

114.   I’m here every morning at 6:15 if you need to come in for help.  I love the smell of mathematics in the morning.

115.   Now for this problem, the information is hidden within the words.  We have to make our own juice here, and ‘squeeze’ the information out.

116.   So how are we going to tell our calculator to do that?  Do we speak into it like a cell-phone?

117.   To find the x-intercept on the calculator, you find the left bound . . . there . . . . then you find the right bound . . . there above the axis. . . then you calculator asks you for a guess, so you say, “UMMMM, THREE.”  Then you hit enter.

118.   You need to be wise in the use of your calculator.  Don’t use it as a hammer.  It will work, but is greatly missing the true powerful potential and purpose of its original design.

119.   The fist thing you want to do when graphing cosine is to make sure your calculator is on.  Then, double check to make sure it is in the proper mode. . . .There’s once, There’s twice.  Once was probably enough.

120.   Do it in your head!  What if you were stranded on an island with only your textbook, without a calculator and pencil.

121.   You never can have too many Calculus textbooks.

122.   In college, you have to buy your own textbooks.  A Calculus text may cost $120 new.  When you are done with it, you try to sell it back to the bookstore, where they offer you $30 if you beg.  Now every few years, the author of the text will come out with a new “edition” where the only real difference is that the second page is off-white, instead of antique-white, in which case the bookstore will not buy it back so now you’re stuck with it.  But that’s OK.  You just save these books and put them on your bookcase at home later on when you are out of college.  They make great decorations and give a look of erudition to any parlor.

123.   I think Dried-up marker is a more appropriate term. (rather than Dry-Erase)

124.   You there!  No mental loitering.

125.   We can classify 1^st degree polynomials as straight curves.  These are very simple to graph, very hard to throw, and even harder to hit.

126.   A frown is nothing more than a parabola turned upside-down.

127.   The Ambiguous case is for Side Side Angle.  Since it requires the most work, requiring you to set up a quadratic formula, it has become known as the ‘pain in the Angle Side Side’ case.

128.   The first thing you do when you approach a problem like this is to introduce yourself.  Get comfortable with the task at hand.  Say, “Hello problem.”  It’s a good way to break the ice.

129.   Yes, you may go to the bathroom.  Just don’t do it here.

130.   P=e^(rt).  The shampoo equation.  Used by more bankers than the other lesser equations.

131.   We count in base 10 because our number system evolved from counting on our fingers.  This is the same reason why chickens count in base four.

132.   I really like the new windows in my classroom.  I have a great view of the neighboring apartments.  Last year I never had the opportunity to watch so many people take their dogs for a poop.

133.   And we give this ratio a very specific name.  Not a name like Fred, George, or Biff, but rather a choice four-letter word starting with ‘S.’  We call it Sine.

134.   Some day you’re the Radical, some day you’re the Radicand.

135.   Some days, especially when it’s overcastted, I just like to wear a little Vitamin C. (defending his bright yellow shirt to students.

136.   Was that ironic, oxymoronic, or just moronic?

137.   It is easier to adverbialize an adjective than it is the adjectivize an adverb.

138.   How did you do on your Pee-sat-nem-squat? (PSAT/NMSQT)

139.   Just because you haven’t met anyone like me before doesn’t mean that I don’t exist.

140.   As scary as reading your Halloween stories in the dark may be, any terror is negated by how silly the idea of reading them with a flashlight is.  

141.   Now for number diez y dos, also known as doce.

142.   The test will be similar to the review . . . Not congruent.

143.   Better late than never or early or on time.

144.   I’m not really that odd.  My eccentricity is closer to zero than one.

145.   When I was in school, we used to separate all multiple items in a list with commas.  For instance, the sentence, “Tom, Dick, and Harry went to the store,” had commas everywhere.  Now aday, you don’t need a comma between Dick and Harry.  That just doesn’t look right to me.  Without the comma, it just looks like Dick and Harry are a single unit.-----pause, then biggest laughter of the year.

146.   I don’t know when you’ll ever use this stuff, but if you never learn it, the answer is never.

147.   Sure, Einstein failed high school math, but it wasn’t because he failed to understand math.

148.   An integral part of Calculus is differentiating between the derivative and the integral.

149.   Negative numbers are so depressing.  Be positive, I always say.

150.   The difference between implicit and explicit is this.  If I said, “Gee, you know, I kind of wish that the grades were better on the test.  I really think y’all could have done better and I expect more from you.  It really want the grades better . . . “  , that would be implicit.  But if I said, “STUDY, DAMMIT.” That would be explicit.

151.   If I were you, I’d want to be me.

152.   Just because you think math sucks, doesn’t mean I don’t expect you to like it.

153.   You may take out some scratch paper for the test, if you get the itch.

154.   Disregard what the other 3 classes have said about the test being hard.  Don’t believe the hype.  You cannot judge what you have not experienced first hand.  After you have taken it, then tell me how hard it was.

155.   Is the test easy?  Of course it’s easy, if you know it.

156.   Unless you just like taking a loaded revolver, pointing it at your shoe, and pulling the trigger, DO YOUR REVIEW!!

157.   That used to be one of the textbooks at this school a loooooooong time ago.  I still use it everyday.  It supports my wobbly desk leg.

158.   “What is that you’re using to tie your door open with.”  “It’s an old computer mouse for an old Mac.  I’m a firm believer in recycling technology.”

159.   “May I use your computer, Mr. Korpi?”  “Only if you use it in the proper manner for which it was designed.”

160.   Who knows the answer? (long silence)  Do you can’t all talk at once or I won’t be able to make out what anyone is saying.

161.   So what’s the derivative of secant?  Good, secant tangent, whoever didn’t say that.

162.   Yes, I broke my ankle running into my garage in the rain trying to keep your assignments dry.  Once I hit the slick concrete, I slipped, felt a loud pop, and the papers went flying . . . into the garage . . . mission accomplished.

163.   Sir, tell us about “Little Korpi.”  “OK, he’s my son, and not so big.”

164.   Wow, I haven’t done that since the last time.

165.   “Can we have a free day today?”  “Funny you should ask.  When I got up this morning, I thought to myself, ‘Today I think I’ll collect 5 dollars from every student.’”

166.   “That’s a great poster.  What does the random variation in the two colors represent.  Does it contribute to the overall theme?”  “No, I just got tired of coloring it.”

167.   And we call this Pythagorean Identity the Papa PID.  From him, we can develop his asexual offspring.

168.   OK, turn in your Homework, page 233, your review, and your Tarzan problem.  We’ll be taking a test in 2 minutes.  Good Morning, by the way.  Did y’all have a good Weekend?

169.   If you don’t understand it, you need to learn it better.

170.   Have you ever noticed that the things you have accomplished and been most proud of are the things that you really strived at, almost struggled, yet overcome?  It is the intense labor, the making of mistakes, and the harnessing of the energy of frustration that make your success oh so sweet.  You are going to have plenty of opportunities to develop a love of math this year.

171.   I’ve seen better hair on a mop.

172.   The fact that we agree that we are mutually exclusive gives us some common ground on which we actually intersect.

173.   “You listen to the some of the strangest things.”  “You should hear what I read.”

174.   “Do we have to do our homework tonight?”  “Of course not,  turn in it a day later.  I’ll only take of 30 points for being late.”

175.   So the limit as x approaches two is infinity from both sides of two.  What’s up with that?

176.   Put those chips away.  You’re taking a test.  I don’t like students who Cheetos on tests.

177.   What if we still don’t finish the test Monday morning?  You think of everything, don’t you.

178.   Unless I count off twice for the same mistake, I won’t double Whammy you on the test.

179.   I just heard that the square root of two is holding many innocent numbers hostage.  Police are describing him as an irrational radical who will stop at nothing to get what he wants.  They are bringing in the expert negotiator square root of  4 to try and talk him out.  He is described a kindred soul to the kidnaper, a radical himself, but a cool rational man.  If all goes well, the numbers will be released.

180.   Careful not to slip and fall on your asymptote.

181.   Last year for Halloween, I dressed up as a Roman orator who spoke on the subjects of math.  My name was Relative Maximus.

182.   This problem is not so bad, except for its multiple parts.  Part I) and II) are pretty easy compared to part Aiyy yiyy, yiyy.

183.   We go Calculus caroling every year, and we are Bad, so Bad, and we get worse every year.  We are so popular that every teacher wants us to come by for a song or two.

184.   Look, class.  I finally got a trash can today, and not just one but two!  Please resume your wasteful habits.

185.   Nothing shapes a submissive personality like hundreds of pushups at 3 in the morning.

186.   I hope you have a restful weekend full of vigorous activity.

187.   Please take out a piece of sheet.

188.   So for the quotient rule, we think of Hi over Ho.  The Ho is on the bottom.

189.   TTOTLIFTST “tootle-fist” is something very very important that they teach you in teacher school.  I believe a professor earned his Ph.D. developing this.  It is an acronym for “The object of the lesson is for the student to :”  It is really one of the greatest time-saving devices of all time.

190.   Sure you can work in pairs on the test.  You can share answers and the final grade.

191.   Instead of paying me $100 for an 100 on the test,  I’ll compromise with you: $50 for a 50.

192.   Tonight’s assignment will be very short, but much wider than usual.

193.   You should be able to fit all your answers and work on the test, if you write very, very small.

194.   “phfffffffftht!”  That’s the sound of a vertical asymptote.

195.   I’ve got good news and bad news.  The good news is that you are going to be able to do test corrections!  The bad news is that we have to do test corrections to begin with.

196.   When doing these triangle problems, I want you to draw a picture first. Like this.  Here’s a tree, the sun, and of course Mr. Right triangle ABC.

197.   Longitude lines or Meridians are called Great Circles, not only because the all have the same circumference and pass through the poles, but also because they are just FABULOUS.

198.   So if I was standing at the center of the earth, I would be very, very hot, and the angle of my eyesight back to the surface would be the angle of elevation.

199.   ME: So if I was running for public office and wanted to pull a publicity stunt by walking around the 29.7^th North Parallel, starting and stopping in my living room, I would have to walk almost 21 thousand miles. At a pace of 5 miles per hour, this would take me 4191 hours or 174.6 non-stop days.  Resting in between legs, it might take me a full year to travel the 20958 miles.  STUDENT:  Wouldn’t the election be over by then?  ME:  Yes, which is why you need to pick your publicity stunts very carefully.

200.   OK, let’s say that the 29.7^th N parallel runs right through my living room.  STUDENT:  Why can’t it run through my living room?  Why does it have to be yours?  ME:  It might be yours, too if you live due East or West of me.

201.   I went to Wurstfest the other day and ordered Lemonade on a stick.  I had to drink it fast.

202.   The other day, I slipped and fell up three flights of stairs.

203.   I’m just sitting here listening to Iron Maiden and trying to be creative at the same time.

204.   Label your intentions

205.   In the equation f(x)=100, the f(x) acts as an introduction prepositional phrase.

206.   For any given angle in a triangle, two of them can be considered Adjacent sides, but we only consider the Non-Hypotenusal Adjacent side as being called Adjacent. 

207.   Q:  Mr. Korpi where do you get all your quotes from?  A:  From books, other books, and non-books, such as conversations.

208.   Most people who mispronounce “New BraunSfels are out-of-towners or locals at Wurstfest, who are ‘soaking up’ the local culture.

209.   Overheard in class:  “I learn more English in this [Mr. Korpi’s math class] than I do in my English class.

210.   Is this regular hexagon (drawn in black) what a stop sign is?  Of course not, stop signs are red.

211.   I think it would be neat if the same groups that “adopt a highway” and pick up trash, carried with them magnet clothes to dress up the Mom and Daughter on the school crossing signs.

212.   Related rates are called such, not be cause they are brothers, or sister or anything, but rather because they are more like 2^nd cousins, twice removed.

213.   I don’t like to run.  With every step I take I say, “Gosh-this-really-sucks-I-wish-I-was-driving.”

214.   I’m working on my first film.  It’s taken me a while.  They are probably going to charge me a late fee at Blockbuster.

215.   I don’t want to be a stand up comedian.  They make too much money.

216.   Mr. Korpi, can we please not learn anything new today?  Well that’s up to you.  Do you think you can convince your classmates not to pay attention to the lesson which I will be giving today?

217.   If we travel around the first parallel, could we claim that we have traveled around the world?  If so, this would be true for any latitude.  I choose the 90^th, although I have to travel around the world just to get there and back.

218.   What a beautiful day today.  I’d like to have class outside today.  All in favor, meet me outside after class.

219.   This is about the easiest section we will do all year.  As a result, we will spend an extra day doing it.

220.   We can’t afford to slow down, not for anything.  We have a set amount of curriculum to cover. Q: What if the school blows up?  A:  That may slow us down a bit.

221.   Now for the next problem, we will be blowing up balloons.  That’s inflating them, not filling them with lit dynamite.

222.   This problem is not right.  I don't even think it is wrong.

223.   Who stole my “Math Counts” Frisbee?  I will not tolerate such shenanigans.

224.   I’m sorry, I don’t have any cash on me.  I’ve been meaning to buy some more.

225.   How silly is to punish an act of truancy with suspension or expulsion.  This would be tantamount to paying criminals for robbing banks.

226.   It is a sad day in the world of education, when we use the absence of learning opportunities as a punishment for unrelated misbehavior.  This reinforces the wrong concept of learning.

227.   We are soon fixing to get ready to make plans to begin.

228.   I always like to carry a quarter in my pocket just in case anyone ever comes up to me and says, “hey, you ain’t worth a dime.”

229.   Today is national “pronounce the silent letter in words” day.  In H-onor of the event, we will be discussing Isos-k-eles triangles, inspecting them so closely increasing our K-noledge of them so much, we are practically dissecting them with a K-nife.

230.   The calculus is the easy part.  It’s the algebra that will kick your butt.

231.   All right, Do it To it.

232.   Ready, Set, Go, Stop.  Who’s done?

233.   Don’t forget units.  Millions of points throughout history of math tests have been lost because units have been overlooked.  Don’t be a statistical footnote in history. 

234.   Look, it says 23 percent of Americans don’t believe a thing that Al Gore says.  It also says that Disney’s patent of Mickey Mouse will expire in 2003.  Look for Al Gore’s percentage to increase as he claims that he invented Mickey Mouse.

235.   I got out of homebuilding into teaching because I figured it would be easier to manage students than subcontractors.   I found out that this is not necessarily true, but they do show up more regularly.

236.   Have no fear about having your ears shot out as I turn on the television, for I have been to teacher school, where they teach you to turn the volume down before doing so.

237.   If you’re going to get up in front of someone to teach, especially a very typically boring subject, you’ve got an obligation to at least make it entertaining, if not educational.  The same goes for educational consultants at teacher in-services.

238.   Leave them laughing.  That’s what I always say.  Please laugh now as I turn and go.

239.   I have lateral tibular fibulitis.  I’ll take your word for it.

240.   See you next time, or before then.  

241.   See you next time, have fun ‘till then.

242.   Mr. Korpi, would you wear my Football jersey tomorrow?  I’d be happy to.  That means I can wear one of my ugly shirts.  I have a lot of ugly shirts that don’t get worn enough.

243.   Does it matter if we find side a or side c first?  No, It really comes down to our preference: do we prefer Apple Pie or Cherry Pie?  Acid or Coc. . .Never mind.

244.   Now little g is not only the length of the side opposite angle G, the acceleration due to gravity, but also a rapper out of Compton.

245.   Now just because I’m drawing planet Earth with a red marker doesn’t make it Mars.

246.   The answer is 47. 666.  OOOh.  That creeps me.  Let’s make it 47.667, the Neighbor of the Beast.

247.   So the answer is  .1411.  That’s some good information

248.   This road we’re going down is not the scenic route, in fact it’s not even a road.  We are clearing our own path.  Watch out for tempting serpents.

249.   We can verify this triangle is correctly solved by using the triangle inequality, Pythagorean theorem, and using Trig functions, but I think we can see that it’s correct, so let’s not do that, and say we did.

250.   Now, I can go to San Antonio by traveling 30 miles to the south or by traveling 21,835 to the North.

251.   These two angles are complementary, watch.  “Hey man, you look acute.”  “Thank you, you don’t look so obtuse yourself.”

252.   Let the calculator store the number in its full decimal glory.

253.   Have a good strong end.  See you on Monday.

254.   You wouldn’t think that I would be so thirsty today after I drank so much last night.

255.   We’re having a special today: All the problems you can present on the board for the same reward of only one half point on a test.

256.   Y’all have worked really hard this week.  I’m proud of you.  Why don’t y’all just take the next two days (SAT and SUN) off from school.  Y’all deserve it.

257.   I just can think as lucidly in front of a dry erase board.  The refractive index is too high.

258.   This problem only takes one line, if you start sufficiently far to the left.

259.   “So the Ferris wheel rider’s position as he approaches the top, Hey I can see my house from here, is 205 ft.

260.   That last one was a joke grenade.  It took a while for you to get the punchline, actually I think that last one was a dud.

261.   You’ll have to excuse me, for I have very few unspoken thoughts, and my lips cannot usually keep up.

262.   I know y’all are just really excited, as I am, about being assembled here tonight on our own time to discuss the ever exciting world of mathematics, but I need you to shutup.

263.   Did you see me at the fair?  I was the one wearing my hat.

264.   Q:  Mr. Korpi, why did you take down your students’ Halloween posters?  A:  Well, first of all, because Halloween is over.  Secondly, because they were Halloween posters and Halloween has now past.  Do you understand?  The Halloween ‘spirit’ is usually not something that lingers.

265.   The test will look a little different than the review. I think for the review, I used Times New Roman 12-point font.  The test will have Times New Roman 14-point font. The problems will be similar though.

266.   In the spirit of upcoming Labor Day, today we will work our butts off.

267.   If I have to put the toilet seat down, she should have to put it up.  It’s a two-way seat, you know.

268.   So after all that work, just figuring out the percentage of the swimming pool is filled, we have barely gotten our feet wet.  We have much more work to do. 

269.   Label the rate you are trying to find “huh?” and denote it with a question mark.  This is your target.  Without listing this, you have no target, which means you’re sure to hit it.

270.   Another good reason to label your target rate as “huh?” is because if the label does not appear in your final equation, you can say, “Hmm, there’s no ‘Huh’.”

271.   Y’all are awfully quiet today.  Are y’all this quiet in all your other first period classes, too?

272.   In relation to the angle, we want to know the opposite side, and we are given the hypotenuse, sooooooooooooooooooooo, we must use Sine (SOH CAH TOA)

273.   The bathrooms down the hall are unmarked.  The way I remember which door to go in is that Men are always right. This may be untrue, but it takes me to the urinal.

274.   I’m sorry, I just can’t afford to be a teacher.

275.   “SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”  That means “BE QUIET,” in civilized societies.  Thank you.

276.   Please solve all of your problems in advance.  Thank you.

277.   So when you see that you are given two angles and a side of a triangle, you say, “OOOO, OOOOO, OOOOOO, Law of Sines!”

278.   If we call this point C, and the other point Shining C, then we are looking for the distance from C to Shining C.

279.   If you don’t pay your math dues by the next meeting, don’t consider yourself a member of the math club.  We have to distinguish ourselves somehow, if not by our intellectual acumen, then by our fiscal dependability.

280.   I am my most creative when I am deep in pool of melancholy and self-superciliousness.

281.   Unicorn pride has died.

282.   They are hoping that the walls are so shiny, bright, and new, that no one will bother looking up or down.

283.   So, what do you remember the sine of ninety to be from your past trigonometrical experiences?

284.   Does anybody in here not know there grade and want to see it, or you know it but it was so stellar that you want to see it again?

285.   I tried to get a sub for you.  I selected the only sub on the list that knew math.  Then he called me at home and said, “I’m the only math person on the list, but I can only do Geometry or below.”  There’s a career opportunity for anyone interested.

286.   Thank you for that pointless interruption.   Please don’t do that more often.

287.   “Can we have free day today?  Can we have a free day today?”  “Sure you can, I’ll whoop your butt for free today.  I usually charge 5$ for it.  AND on top of that I’ll give you two paper clips, at no charge to you.”

15. 288.        (overheard) “Mr. Korpi is sooo random!”   (my response)  “You just haven’t figured out my pattern!”

288.   When homework becomes classwork, classwork will become homework.

289.   The greatest triumviri of all time was indubitably Curly, Moe, and Larry.

290.   –You cannot throw your old computers away.  Please store them until we have our end of the year technology garage sale.  –OK, I will be storing them in that dumpster over there.

291.   When they did the $3million overhaul of the school, technology was first.  They got there own large lab rooms, full of brand new computers, their own data projectors, new furniture, and get this: floor plugs.  They must have thought in advance on that one.  The new science wing got theirs, too: new lab equipment and the latest in technology: computer lab testing probes, CPUs, and elaborate software.  Even the new home economics rooms got their requisite stoves, ovens, vent hoods, and even a dining area.  Athletics got a new competition gym, AND a new practice gym!  What about the math department?  We got stuck into a leftover space, upstairs, away from everybody, where they wouldn’t have to deal with us.  Our rooms are brand new, but small, lack trashcans, pencil sharpeners, bookshelves, storage cabinets, and no floor plugs for our overhead calculators.  We did get windows overlooking an apartment complex and very small dry erase boards.  It’s like they asked us, “What goes into the ideal math classroom, because we want to make sure what not to put in it.”  ‘Tis ‘nuff to drive a man mad!

292.   You have to be very careful when you are solving problems with sine, cosine, and tangent.  Simplifying trigonometric expressions can be pretty triggy.

293.   (After drawing light coming from the lens of the camera)Q:  Doesn’t the light usually come from the flash?  A:  You haven’t seen my camera.

294.   Oh, I forgot to multiply by the velocity of the plane, -600 miles per hour: one very small detail.

295.   I wasn’t in the senior class picture, because I wasn’t asked.  Besides, most teachers want to be in it as a level of status: their picture is forever captured in the history of New Braunfels High School.  I try to achieve my immortality through my work inside the classroom, not smiling for a camera.  But, mainly, I wasn’t asked.  Anyway, I think they know that I would be the type of teacher who would run around the back to try and get into the picture twice.

296.   Q: Can I be in the math club if I’m not a member?  A: No, it’s really a club for members only.

297.   --Your name is Andrew, right?  --NO, it’s Tina.  –Sorry.

298.   Live well, eat right, have fun: that’s what I always never say.

299.   (On being asked to open a fixed window in class)  I can open it, but closing it again will be a challenge.

300.   Every discipline you enter into has its own challenges.  Going into medicine is not necessarily more difficult than going into mathematics.  There were several time is wished that I was just memorizing all the nerves in the human body, rather than prove a particular theorem.

301.   The whole idea of you writing journals, yah, that was a bad idea.  It looks good on paper, but because of the paperwork generated, yah, bad idea.

302.   We found out we were having a girl: the first girl in four grandchildren.  I told my wife that she was going to have really long arms being tugged on between the sets of grandparents.

303.   We found out it is a girl, so starting today, I’m saving for the wedding.

304.   Having a girl isn’t so bad at all.  She’ll just have to get used to wearing her older brother’s hand-me-downs.

305.   Having a girl is actually ideal.  I’m looking forward to choosing a son-in-law someday.

306.   I think we decided on the first name of Jenna.  It’s the middle name we’re still contemplating.  We want it to be in honor of a family member:  Jenna Wayne, Jenna Lynn, Jenna Rose, Jenna Elaine, Jenna Leslie, Jenna Valeska, Jenna Dora, or Jenna Oma.  We like the last one; her initials would be J.O.K.   We are expecting her to be a great athlete.

307.   One grows fat when one’s intake exceeds one’s expenditure.  One grows financially thin when one's expenditures exceed ones intake.  One cannot expect to be healthfully fit by allowing the two to balance each other: over consuming and over spending.  All this achieves is being fat broke.

308.   Speaking of storks, I found out yesterday that my wife and I are having a little . . . girl.  ---AAAAAwwwwwwwwwww!  You can name her after me, Mr. Korpi.  Alex.  Or better yet, Yudelevich!  --No, if we call her Yudelevich (Yoo-duh-lay-vich), people would just say, “Hey, Yu.”

309.   When we are looking for the absolute extrema on a closed interval, we can think of it as playing the “BIGGEST AND SMALLEST Y-VALUE” contest, where the contestants are going to be the two endpoints, and any critical values in the interval.

310.   Keep it straight in you head and always bear in mind that Headings and Bearings are the same thing, unless you’re referring to compositions and axles.

311.   Be quiet and listen.  I’m standing right next to him, and I can barely hear him!

312.   And now I will use a very underused conjunction to tie the two together:  &--the Ampersand.

313.   37.652 is my favorite value of x.

314.   Student: “Mr. Korpi, I didn’t do my take home test.”  Korpi:  “That’s pretty dumb.  You’d better have a good excuse!”  Student:  “I’m getting married tomorrow, and I have just been a nervous wreck getting ready for it.”  Korpi:  “Fine, but you better bring it to me as soon as you get back from your honeymoon!”

315.   Q:  “Do you know why when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, the V is longer on one side than the other?”  “Does it have anything to do with the sheer winds or anything?”  “No, it’s because there are more geese on one side.”

316.   And so we put the x all by itself on this side of the equation, although he is not alone, since he’s squared, there are really two of them, so he’s really there, with himself, keeping himself company. (on setting up the law of cosines)

317.   So it doesn’t really matter which angle A, B, or C we find first.  Let’s just do it in alphabetical order . . . starting with C.

318.   Student:  “Mr. Korpi, there’s an error on the assignment sheet.  The assignment due today had 12 problems.  You wrote 11 down.”  Korpi: “Thank you, you are so correct.  Give yourself zero points for that one.”

319.   So let’s say I’m on the beach sunbathing, and I get the inkling to measure the distance between two oilrigs out in the seascape.  I pull out my handy-dandy angle-measuring device, which I always keep handy while sunbathing, and take some measurements.  I only need to take two angle readings from two separate points along the beach.  I must also know the distance between these two points, say 2000 seashells long, mostly broken seashells.  Using the Law of Sines and Cosines, I can determine the distance between the two without having to swim way out there with a huge waterproof tape measure, and, most importantly, I can get back to my sunbathing.

320.   I heard that the tanning salons now offer a service where you stand in front of a paint machine and it blasts you with golden paint.  That can’t be good for you, especially when it must be done weekly, and that’s if you don’t bathe.  At least the paint on my house is guaranteed for 20 years.

321.   When experiencing my personality, you cannot fully appreciate or be properly effected by it by brief intense exposure to it.  Much like sunbathing, in order to keep from reacting adversely to it, you need to experience it small daily doses.  Under these circumstances, I provide a healthy glow to other people’s lives.

322.   The only thing mathematical about the math club this year is how membership has multiplied from last year. (from 14 to 64)

323.   Student: “Does Little Korpi play trumpet, too?”  Korpi:  “Heaven’s No!  He’s not even 2 and a half years old.  He’s barely got the piano and guitar down.”

324.   Korpi is listening to “Crazy little thing called love” by Queen.   A student says, “Man, you’re old, Mr. Korpi.”  Korpi quickly replies, “Let me guess.  You prefer Dwight Yoakum’s version.”  Student assumes look of befuddlement and bewilderment.

325.   Did you think these variables here were just to decorate the equation?

326.   Be on the lookout for irrelevant information in the problem such as the sexual preference of the pilot of the plane that isn’t even mentioned.

327.   I feel like I’m looking at the penguin exhibit at Sea World.  (Gliding across the floor, leaning on the roller cart.  Students very quiet and sitting very still, room is very cold.)

328.   If you finish making your Golden Ratio rectangles, measure your faces and see if you and Liz Hurley have something in common.

329.   Student:  “Why is everybody wearing College shirts today?”  Korpi:  “Well, because it’s college day.  But that’s OK, we can tell you’re an Aggie without a maroon shirt.”

330.   I heard next Friday is “wear your pajamas to school” day.  I hope the people who sleep in the nude are sick that day so the rest of us won’t.

331.   If you have physics, you’ve probably done this calculation in class.  If you don’t have physics, you probably haven’t done this in physics class.

332.   One thing I can tell you about the conference I attended was, even though it really sucked and the presenter was boring, I still stayed quite and appeared to be listening as he spoke.  It is the obligation of a student.

333.   So let’s say we’re trying to move this piano.  We tie two ropes to the foot pedal and the two of us pull at different angles and forces.  The resultant force and direction will be the diagonal of the parallelogram, which means we know exactly where the piano is going, it can hit a target, which I guess is pretty important in piano bowling.

334.   You can’t say, “Just because I drew it like a right triangle, it must be so."

335.   We use implicit differentiation when we either cannot solve explicitly for y, it is too difficult to solve for y, or we’re just too plain lazy.

336.   The case of SSA is called the Ambiguous case, or something like that.

337.   Someday I’m going to invent a new and improved fly swatter.

338.   Brady, please wake up!  Every time you lay your head down on your desk, a little piece inside of me dies.

339.   The official name of this course, as far as the state of Texas goes is, “Independent study in mathematics,” although we call it Calculus.  I’m terribly sorry I have been depriving you of your independence to learn it on your own.  If I get fired, it will be for teaching in a class where I’m not supposed to.

340.   And so, if we were to jump off the building and calculate or speed, we would yell as we leapt, “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.”  (the bell to go to lunch chimes in).

341.   You!  You are tardy, and I need to talk to you about all the classes you have missed this six weeks.  Please stay after class.  S:  I can’t, I have to leave early to take a friend to a doctor’s appointment!  K:  So, either you don’t come at all, but when you do, you come late and leave early.  Let me simply state it then: YOU’RE BEHIND!!!

342.   (Sung to the Dire Straits tune ‘Money for Nothing’)  “I want my, I want my, I want my MVT (Mean Value Theorem).

343.   We call this theorem the Mean Value Theorem because it deals with average values and because he is quite a bully.

344.   In response to a playful question at the end of a difficult test involving the rate of change of a deflating balloon, “What color is the balloon?”—Student (Martha Rockwood): The color of the balloon symbolizes my feelings towards this test—ASS BROWN.

345.   Here’s looking at Euclid.

346.   The Calculus Cop’s job is to enforce the law of Cosines.

347.   The other day I looked in the mirror.  I sure look funny with my eyes closed.

348.   Why yes Principal Fitsko, the Math Club IS having a raffle.  Would you like to buy a ticket?  First prize is a dozen dead AAA batteries from our calculators.  Second prize is a handful of dried-up dry erase markers which we generate daily!

349.   Someday I’m going to write an Autobiography, if I can authorize it.

350.   Please remind me to remind you to tell me when I have forgotten to mention something I should have remembered to tell you about.

351.   S:  Mr. Korpi, if I have Cosine of blah, blah, blah, over Cosine of blah, blah, blah, can I cancel them out?  K:  Not unless it’s the same blah, blah, blah.

352.   Whew, all that running wore me out.  We either need to do that more often, or less often, preferably less often.

353.   My favorite website is any old Haunted House: lots of spiders.

354.   OK, it is called the ambiguous case because there are three cases, meaning number of triangles.  Let’s number the cases.  One is zero, two is one, and three is two.  You got that?

355.   So after the plane switches his heading from 180 to 225, he is flying Southwest: the direction, not the airline.

356.   So in the right Right triangle, Sine of A equals h over c.  In the left Left triangle . . . no wait, that doesn’t work.  In the left Right triangle . . .

357.   QUIET!  My mouth is very, very close to my ear.  See?  But, I can’t even hear myself talk.

358.   If you sit in the back of the room, the numbers on the board in the front of the room probably look smaller to you.  So a nine probably looks more like a six.

359.   Here are all the formulas for areas of triangles you need to memorize.  You will have to know all of them for the test, however, you will only have to use one of them.  So, you really don’t have to memorize all of them, just one.  You figure out which one.

360.   S:  Mr. Korpi, I made my poster bigger than a quarter size.  I couldn’t fit all the information on just a quarter size.  Is that OK?  K:  Sure it is.  You used half a poster board, but that’s nothing more than a quarter size of one that was originally twice as big.  I never specified the original size of poster board of which a quarter should be taken.  Most people assume standard size, which is the only kind.

361.   Some people see the number 2304 and think, “Hmm, that’s two thousand three hundred and four.”  I see it and say, “Hello forty-eight squared!”

362.   That was a fabulous tune (Baby Elephant Walk) from the late, great Henry Mancini.  Now back to the Law of Cosines.

363.   I think I’m rather quotable, but don’t quote me on that.

364.   I like how the tiles are made to look like real terrazzo, but each 12 by 12 tile is laid with the terrazzo grain perpendicular to the next, thus completing the obvious fact that it is fake.

365.   As little as your study patients see Doctor Hampel, they probably wonder if he even really exists.  I think we should open our own practice with under an assumed practitioner’s name, something catchy that will bring the patients in, but they’d never see him.  Something like Dr. Bon Jovi.

366.   We’re going to find area here.  Does anyone have an exotic unit of measure we can use?  The perch?  OK.  Then the final unit will be purchases? Squared?  I guess if you’re a fisherman, the unit of perch is directly related to the number of witnesses.

367.   Have y’all ever been to Sam’s?  It’s dangerous.  You go in there not needing anything, then three hundred dollars later you get out of there going, “Dang!  That sure is a lot of mayonnaise.”

368.   There’s a joke about a turkey in there somewhere that I’m not even gonna touch, not that it would be funny or anything.

369.   Come on, listen to me now.  I’m cereal.

370.   So here’s our equation.  With a little algebraic finagling, we can get it in the form we want.

371.   Let’s say a pair of calculus cops are set up together to catch speeders, one at point A, the other 5 miles down the road at point B.  You know, like Roscoe P. Coltrain and Cletus trying to catch them Duke Boys, ‘Kyuuu-Kyuuu.’

372.   The commutative and associative properties of multiplication allow you to play a kind of shell game with the factors.

373.   You have two options for this class period: you can either work on the review, or if you don’t want to, you can fake it, and pretend that you are working on the review so convincingly that I cannot tell the difference.

374.   There’s about four minutes left in class, maybe a little less, maybe a little more, but around four.

375.   The insane are a good case to study, because they are committed.

376.   Semi means half;  half a circle is a semicircle, half a perimeter is the semiperimeter, and half of a 36 wheeler is a semi.

377.   Is everyone all squared away on area, then?

378.   If you’re here, that means you’re back from vacation.

379.   Another day, another dime, another difference made.

380.   Subtraction makes all the difference when you’re adding two things.

381.   It’s just that nose sniffling, phlegm hocking, snot slurping time of year.

382.   Today’s the day you get the chance to show off your acquired precalculus knowledge.  After grading the other classes tests, there has been quite a bit of showing off, even some trash-talking and victory dances.

383.   I seemed to have lost that information somewhere between gray mater and cyberspace.

384.   Let’s have a little fraction action.

385.   At the end of a proof, you can write Q.E.D., which is Latin for Quid Erat Demonstratum (that which has been demonstrated), or “Dorothy’s Dog” (es todo = it’s Toto.)

386.   Even though I’m telling you that you cannot distribute the cosine to each of the two angles, I have full faith and confidence that many of you will still do it at some point.  I really believe in each of you.

387.   Here’s a pre-class disclaimer.  I’m high on antihistamines.  Please disregard anything that I say that is surreal or doesn’t make sense, unlike usual.

388.   When we multiply by 180 over pi, we get rid of the pi’s, which never is a problem at my house at Thanksgiving.

389.   Being able to find exact trig values is very, very important, for instance if you were trapped in the dessert doing precal without your calculator!

390.   Math club members, come decorate the Landa Professional building Saturday at 9:00 sharp.  Be there or the fourth root of b to the eighth.

391.   Mrs. Jones, I don’t think your son is overwhelmed with the material, nor do I think he is underwhelmed, as you have alluded to.  I do believe that he suffers from a chronic, full-blown case of the Lazys.

392.   Everybody please come to the next math club meeting ready to have fun.  I guarantee we’re going to have a sphere.

393.   Unless you are going into a very technical field, you probably won’t use the specific information obtained from earning your college degree.  Your degree, then, becomes a symbol to prospective employers that allows them to say, “Here is a person in collegiate caliber.  He/she must be capable of enduring a bunch of crap.  That’s the kind of person we need to hire.”

394.   The last class they were exhausted after the last lecture.  Imagine how I felt, and I have to give it 3 more times.

395.   You must take turns when speaking out.  I can’t understand a thing any of you say when you all speak at once.  (to a quiet class, too timid to speak)

396.   Whoever didn’t just speak, I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat yourself.  I couldn’t hear you over the deafening roar of all the others who weren’t screaming out.

397.   You bet the test is two pages front and back.  Don’t worry.  I’ve got you covered.  You won’t run out of Calculus.

398.   Korpi:  What’s that awful smell?  Student:  Math!  Korpi:  I wonder if they make that scent in a candle, then.  I could put them all over my house and get you one for your house!

399.   You don’t need your calculator for the fractions on the quiz, quit whining.  The fractions are small anyway.  If you think they’re too big, write smaller, but no calculator.

400.   This semester I have three goals for you all.  First, I want each of you to have a renewed and enthusiastic rigorous love of learning.  Secondly, well I don’t want to tell you that one, and thirdly, I want you to figure out what the second goal is.

401.   Can anyone tell me what an algorithm is, and no, it’s not the former VP at a discothèque.

402.   Polynomial is made up of two parts: Polynom and ial.

403.   If you have two terms, you have a binomial.  If you have only one term, you have mono . . . errrrr . . . not necessarily.  If you have mono, you have something else altogether.

404.   Can a monomial be considered a polynomial, since poly means many and mono means one?  I guess that comes down to whether one can be many.  Sure, it can.  If you previously had none, then received one, and a big one at that, then one can be considered many.  It’s relative.  In the case of oral hygiene: one cavity is too many.

405.   A corollary is a statement that almost automatically drops out of another statement.  It is the immediate logical conclusion of another conclusion.  It is so obvious that it seldom needs proving, much less stating, but let’s do both here.

406.   Now when you are dividing, you want to be sure that the degree of the numerator is larger than the degree of the denominator.  This will assure that you are placing a smaller function into a larger one.  This is OK.  But when the denominator is larger, you are putting a larger function into a smaller function; this really hurts the smaller function.

407.   Student: “Why do we even have to study imaginary numbers?  They aren’t even real!”  Korpi:  “Be quiet!  They’ll hear you!”

408.   Pardon my mistakes today on our first day back from a long winter break.  If I botch a few numbers today, it’s because I wasn’t doing much math over the holidays like I know all of you did.

409.   What method of factoring do you use when you can’t factor by factoring?

410.   This will be the last problem I do because I’m running out of board, and because that’s what I’m getting.

411.   Student: “If you say you don’t know what the cubic equation is, how do you know about it?”  Korpi:  There are lots of things I know about but don’t know: like the quartic equation and the Periodic Table.

412.   Now if the chicken was actually a quintic function, and the x-axis was the road, the answer would be, of course, because he was an odd-degreed polynomial. (as an answer to ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’)

413.   Korpi to his A day students on a Thursday: “See y’all Monday.  Have a great weekend . . . but come to school tomorrow, too.  So, have good Friday, first; but not a good Friday where you can’t eat meat.  I guess, have a great Friday, a super weekend, and when I see y’all again on Monday, that’ll be great.”

414.   Sometimes I feel like signing y’all detention just so that I could have the opportunity to teach you more math.

415.   If you’ve never seen the derivation of the quadratic formula, let me know some day when we are sitting around with nothing to do.  If you remember to remind me, I will show it to you.  It is kind of long, but man, is it beautiful.

416.   Now, if I make a few math errors today, it’s because we are all just back from a long, relaxing two week Holiday break, and I wasn’t doing math problems the whole time like y’all were, so I’m a little rusty.

417.   Man, I am Pedantically, Didactically, and Pedagogically out of shape.  That lesson exhausted me!

418.   What do you end up doing with a Coke can when you are done with it anyway?  You just toss it in the trash, or crush it on your forehead, or if you’re not thirsty, you crush it on your head before opening it.  

419.   The set of integers is a proper subset of the set of rationals.  This means that every integer is also an integer.  Not every rational, though, is an integer.  It's like each of us.  We are all members of the Sapien species, but we are also all Homos as well.  There are many members of the Homo genus that aren't Sapiens, like Homo Erectus.  OK, I'm going to stop this analogy now.

420.   Sure you can take the first two lunches, so long as the first one is taken in this room doing math.  And don't take your food out, either.  Heck, in that case, take all lunches today.

421.   Why do you keep looking at the door?  I need to go to the bathroom.  Oh, that makes sense.  I was thinking, "it isn't time to go, yet." But for you, I guess it is.

422.   Tonight you are going to make a box.  All you'll need is a sheet of paper, pencil, ruler, tape, and scissors.  Be sure to get your parents assistence with the scissors, but don't run with them to ask them for help.

423.   Tonight you are going to make a box, nothing fancy.  Made from aluminum, with seamless welds at the joints, with calligraphy engravings, or you can just use notebook paper.

424.   We are now at the point in calculus, since we have learned to take the derivative, where we are going to go backwards.  Although we will be 'undoing' what we just did, we will not be losing ground, but rather making progress.

425.   Integration is viewed by many to be more difficult than differentiation because it involves going backwards.  Going backwards is usually more difficult, just try getting the toothpaste back in the tube.

426.   Student coming in from outside: “OOOOh!  It’s pretty chilly.”  Korpi:  That’s the same thing I said the last time I opened a can of Hormel.

427.   Fellow teacher at an inservice: "Since we're starting 30 minutes late, I hope that doesn't mean we are going to end 30 minutes late."  Korpi: "Don't worry.  These types of things always have a few extra hours built into them."

428.   Although giving partial credit in math education is highly prized by administrators, parents, and especially students, the fact remains that in the real world, there is no partial credit: the bridge either supports us or collapses.

429.   Overheard in a conversation: "I don't think I could ever start drinking coffee.  I've seen people who depend on it, are addicted to the caffeine, people who can't function or begin their day without it.  I don't think I ever want to let something have that much control over me."  Korpi:  "Tell me about it.  I wish I would have known what you know before I ever first tasted ketchup."

430.   A superior once told me, "Here are your options . . ." then she told me which one to pick.  Luckily, I was married, so this was not difficult for me.

431.   When I'm stuck in traffic, I like to look at a place on the side of the road and analyze it very carefully, then say to myself, " I am so thankful for this traffic jam.  Without it, I would have probably never seen that, nor would I probably even want to."

432.   The efforts that go you in here won't be enough to get you out of here.

433.   The test will definitely not be a "cookie cutter" test from the review.  It's more lf a "hunt your prey then kill and gut it with your bare hands" kind of test.

434.   When speaking ubiquitously, I like to use, have used, and will use all the tenses.

435.   One of my pet peeves is when someone misuses a superlative case modifier or a reflexive pronoun.  They just hurt my ears.

436.   Beware of Negative numbers! They'll bring you down.

437.   Is that a new haircut?  You look more hairo-dynamic.

438.   I have a photographic memory.  I recall looking at some photos a few years ago.

439.   And before anybody asks, the answer is, "Yes: I missed all of y'all as much as y'all missed me."

440.   So you were absent yesterday, huh?  What was it?  A bad case of the heebie jebbies?  Or was it the Whillie Nillies?

441.   Checking your answer is a good habit to get into.  So is the convent.

442.   So at x equals 3, we have a Vertical As . . . I mean a . . .  I guess Asymptote is a word I need to finish once I start it.

443.   The idea of looking at the limit at a removable discontinuity, or a hole,  is like getting as close as we can to the edge of the Grand Canyon.  We climb over the guard railing and tiptoe to the edge to see what's going on at the hole.  Once we get there, we say, "Oh look, a whole"

444.   Today, each of you got up out of bed, brushed your teeth, got dressed, ate breakfast, and decided to come on in to school.  You are here today because you wanted to.  I'm here to tell you that with today's lesson you will not be disappointed.  If I did give you a free day like y'all are asking, I would have made your waking up and coming to school today pointless.

445.   I want each of you to start buckling down and get ready for the AP exam.  I want each of your names to get on the wall of fame back there before the end of the year. . . . I mean by the end of the start of next year, seeing as how I would make the name tags during the summer after I got your score.

446.   I want each of you to "think 5," that's AP 5.  Heck, I be happy if each of you thought AP 3.  Actually, think 5, that way if you fall short, you still have a shot at a 3.  You know what they say about aiming for the stars.

447.   I say, aim for outer space, that way if you come up short, your still in outer space.  Hopefully, it's not in the asteroid belt.

448.   I realize the objective percentages add up to 120%.  That's all part of "raising the standards."

449.   What do I see here?  Is that an imaginary number, or are my eyes just deceiving me?

450.   My wife and I use to sit behind each other in high school.

451.   You want to be careful that your scale on your graph is appropriate, so your graph doesn't get a fat axes.

452.   That's the biggest mistake I've made this period, period . . .exclamation point!

453.   To solve radical equations, you need to separate the radicals, just like the government does.

454.   If you have two radical terms in an equation, you still need to separate them, put them on their own sides.  If there is anything more dangerous than one radical, it's two of them.  Together they can start a revolution.  It's best to keep them at bay.

455.   You may use your calculators, provided you take at least one battery out, in which case, they would make a good straightedge.

456.   The way I'm teaching it to you is different than the book.  Here's the way the book teaches it. . . . . . . . . . . . .so if you see it done that way as you read, you won't be confused.  How many of you actually read the book?  (No one raises his hand.)

457.   As the values of x increase to infinity or decrease to negative infinity, the y values increase to infinity and decrease to negative infinity respectively.  They do get closer and closer and closer to the equation of the slant asymptote.  The slant asymptote, then becomes like a stairway to heaven or the road to hell.

458.   I don't think you can hack a math problem of that size.  You are such a bad axe.

459.   We are going to name our daughter after you, so for the rest of my life when I tell her to, "sit down and shut up,"  I'll think of you.  

460.   I think e-mail is ruining the English language.  People are becoming so causal and lazy that they don't use proper headings and the abbreviate everything, including abbreviations.  LOL.

461.   I'm going to put a Big As__terisk by this one.  Why do you think that one has a Big As___terisk by it?*

462.   What do we do if there are three radicals in the problem? Student:  Can we just erase one of them?  Korpi: No, that would make us no better than the federal government.

463.   No matter how large the values of 1 you choose, or how perfect the marriage is, 2 does not equal one.

464.   As you take the test, keep this in mind: I expect you to be proficient AND efficient.

465.   A Pleonasm is when someone uses too many words, sometimes repetitive, thoughts, ideas, or symbols, or words to express a certain, particular, or certain idea, thought, or idea.

466.   Whenever you square both sides of an equation, you are basically sending out open invitations for charlatan roots.  If they sneak in under your radar, it's your obligation to snuff 'em out.

467.   I think I need to go on temporary disability.  I think I have dry-erase marker elbow.

468.   I think that students who can't come to school on any given day should be required to find a substitute student who will come sit in the desk for them until they return.  That way teachers can come in and ask, "are we having a sub today?" so they know when to have free days.

469.   Student:  Mr. Korpi, you're one of the most interesting teachers I've ever had.  Korpi:  It's only because I teach one of the driest subjects.

470.   You know how amazing my son is?  He's only two.  The other day I said, "Tate, you're so amazing."  He quickly replied, "I know dad, but what's a Mazing?"

471.   I always forget to take roll.  I'm guess I'm just absent-minded.

472.   You need to define your variables, so if you say at "c", you need to
specify "where c is a constant."  For example, if I were to say, I don't
think we want to go there, that would be getting into unchartered c, where
c is a body of water, or sea."

473.   Korpi:  I've only had two people in my two years to score a 5 on the AP
exam.  Becker:  Ya, but they were Genieii.

474.   Student:  If the problem is too hard, can we just change it?
Korpi:  What, to like 1+1=2?  Someday we might.  We can dream about that
day where our technologies and civilizations are so advanced that we can
simplify such processes.  Shortly after that, the wheel might me
reinvented.

475.   I was told that the dog NEVER goes potty in the house, but when she did,
she at least went on the vinyl.

476.   Korpi: For the big "$500 fine for Dog's at large" sign at the entrance to
my neighborhood, there are sure alot of dogs at large.  Student who lives
in the neighborhood:  Ya, but all the ones who roam around are nice.
Korpi:  Ya, I've noticed that when I go running.  The nice ones run up to
me and growl and snap at me in the most polite of manners.

477.   I think that when I said I didn't like her class, she took it personally,
thinking I didn't like her Class.  What I meant, is that I didn't care for
the class, in general.  I should have been more specific.

478.   Student:  You mean we can't use our calculators on the test?  That's not
fair.  The SAT let's us use calculators.  Korpi:  I know, that's why I'm
not.  I want you to save your batteries for the SAT.

479.   This is a filler quote.

480.   Some people fear calculus so much they think it's  four-letter word.  It's not, however.  It is a four-letter word times two.

481.   I'm Mr. Korpi.  I teach math, one of the driest subjects on campus.  The good news is that I'm know as the guy who can put the moisture back in mathematics.

482.   I've said it once, I've said it twice, I'll say it again.  I do not like to repeat myself.

483.   True or false, Calculus is fun.  Let's just say true, since finding a counterexample might be difficult.

484.   These two problems are similar, yet alike somehow.

485.   Korpi:  Sometimes, when I'm thinking and writing too fast, I misspell words.  Student:  It's a good thing you don't teach English.  Korpi:  No, I think I could handle English if that is what I was teaching, I would just make alot of math mistakes then.

486.   I'm just being facetious.  That means jocular.  That doesn't mean athletic.

487.   When you use u-substitution, you can never lose sight of what u is.  Pardon my poor English.  I know it should be, "never lose sight of what u are, but I'm not trying to give you a life lesson, and in this case, u is singular.

488.   In this problem, we'll let u . . . . . . . figure out what u . . . . . . . . are going to call u, the inside function.

489.   U-substitution is a very formal method for evaluating integrals, something that can be accomplished by pattern recognition, without having to get dressed up in a tuxedo.

490.   If you forget to graph your Removable Discontinuity, I'll take off a point.  Think of it as a point for a point system.

491.   I was very disappointed with the test.  Now, I consider myself a pretty stand-up guy. Honest with integrity.  I don't lie.  So when I tell you that you are going to have a particular problem on the test, and soooo many people missed it, I can't help but think that y'all think I a big liar.  Who's got the last laugh now?

492.   Everyone thought the test was so hard, cursing me under their breath for being so evil.  Not a single person thanked me for making all the polynomial factorable, or for having nice integer solutions.  

493.   You need to learn to use your calculator as a tool.  At the very least, a crutch.  Some of y'all use your calculator as a stretcher.  If you need is for security, keep it under your desk, then if you panic, you can look down and see it there and say, "Whew, there you are calculator."

494.   Homework is soooo important.  I only weight is as 30% but it is really more important than the exam itself.  I hate to use sports analogies because they are so cliché, be here it goes.  Math is like a sport.  Imagine the football team who made it to the Super Bowl.  You think they made it there without practice?  What about for the big game?  You think they would stay up all night practicing for the big game then show up to play the day of?  They would either fall asleep before the first snap or lose the game shortly after.  It's the daily discipline where they develop the proficiency and endurance that is the most important.  Game day is time to just show up and execute what have learned how to do through practice, practice, practice.  I have no sympathy for people who tell me they were up 'til 4 in the morning studying.  They are going to lose the first snap.  The game itself is the hallmark event, but the winner is forged before that time ever comes.

495.   i is the imaginary unit.  It also make a good subject pronoun.  I doesn't make a good predicate pronoun, although many valiantly try.  The truly creative use the reflexive form as a subject pronoun, when there is no modifying subject upon which to predicate it.  This drives me crazy.  I just imagine they never said it.  Which brings us back to the imaginary unit.

496.   I think a good SAT word is "test."  I think it describes it appropriately well.

497.   I think if photocopying were an Olympic event, the staff of our school would win the Gold every year.  Though many might try to copy us, I don't think any other school can duplicate what we do. 

498.   Did you hear about the blind guy who walks into a bar and says, "Ouch," as he grabs his hip.  "I wish somebody would have told me that was there."

499.   Why is 6 afraid of 7?  Because 7, 8, 9.  He also killed 10.  And hangs out with 666.  And has bad breath, and is a close-talker.

500.   Remember, Jesus wants you to be good at math.  "Go forth and multiply," he said.  He also said, "Do your homework, especially for Mr. Korpi." 

501.   Today, I'm just dripping with anticipation.  My salivary glands deserve a raise in pay.  I can hardly restrain my bladder.  I feel a great math lesson coming on.

502.   What happens when you have an infinitely large number minus another infinitely large number?  Do you think they cancel each other out?  Precisely, No.  Although they are both infinitely large, one of them could be infinitely larger than the other, so there difference is indeterminable and could be zero OR infinity.

503.   For this problem, we have to use the properties of logs to help us condense the problem.  Condensation.  Yes sir, like a morning dew.  We need a little dew action here.  That is, we need a little "do" action here.  . . . Man that was stupid.

504.   The more tests we take, the more exams we'll have.

505.   I passing the tests out now, so I want all of y'all to get in the "zone."  Stretch your necks, rub your calculators, and do it to it.

506.   It seems like it was Thursday just a week ago.

507.   What is the plural of Warm-up?  Is it Warm-ups or Warms-up.  I know the plural of Mother-in-law is Mothers-in-law, because Mother is the actual noun in the compound noun, but what is the acting noun in Warm-up?  Do we have more than one warm?  Or do we have several ups?

508.   Another application of exponential growth is Information Dissemination, or Gossip.  Let's say that I found out that Little Johnny actually liked math,  once I spread that gossip, it would spread like wildfire, which we all know spreads exponentially.

509.   Korpi:  I think that piece of paper stuck to the wall is part of the map of Africa.  (Korpi makes African tribal drum sounds.)  Do you like my African tribal drum sounds?  Student:  That was off the wall.  Korpi:  Yes it was, but then I hung it up, which is how this conversation started.

510.   Now the logistics curve actually has two Horizontal Asymptotes, the upper one being the Carrying capacity, or in the example of getting the word out to the student body, it is the number of students on campus.  Now, theoretically, as time goes on into infinity, more and more people on campus will hear the information, but because of the Horizontal Asymptote, there will always be that ONE person, walking around cluelessly, with his head in the clouds, who'll never find out, saying, "Whaaaaaaaaaat?"

511.   I now, I will introduce you to a healthier, lower fat, all natural base: e!  Known as the natural base, naturally.  It shows up in nature alot, too.

512.   Here's a career opportunity: be the math guy who stands by the mainframe computer, watching the computer calculate the decimals to e, 2.718 . . .  Just watch the numbers role in.

513.   Now I know computers are inanimate objects, but I think there comes a point in calculating the decimal digits in a non-terminating, non-repeating irrational numbers where the computer gets so crazy with boredom that it throws itself out the nearest window.

514.   OK, let's try to generalize some characteristics of logs, besides the fact that they're made of wood.

515.   The guys who invented the concept of zero didn't think anything of their feat.  In fact, they thought is was nothing.

516.   OK we've goofed around enough today.  We need to get started on the lesson.  We're already like the guy who goes in to have liposuction on his rear end:  we're getting a little behind.

517.   Now unlike the worthless S.O.B. Formula, which is totally useless, the C.O.B. formula is tremendously useful.  It is the Change of Base formula, or, if you're from Ireland, the Change O' Base formula.

518.   Where besides in the woods or a fireplace have y'all come in counter with logs?  Christmas?  Yes, I suppose the Yule log would work.  Where would Christmas be without logarithms to get us in that Yuletide spirit?

519.   You can either use log base 10 or log base e with the change of base formula.  Your calculator can handle either of these.  So which one should you use?  Well, if you want to be like me, might I suggest the Natural log, base e.  If you don't want to be like me, might I still suggest the Natural log, base e.

520.   The following problems are all going to be similar and different.  Does that make sense?  I mean, had I said, "the following problems are going to be identical or congruent, but different," that might be confusing.  But things can be very similar yet extremely different: identical twins, for example.

521.   Korpi to a male student:  Is "So and So" your sister?  I didn't even make the connection.  Oh, you're twins too?  Identical or fraternal?

522.   Exponents and Logs are inverses operations of each other, like multiplication and division, addition and subtraction, sine and . . . refusing to sign?

523.   I don't mind if people steal my material, as long as they give me credit for it.  But who would want to steal my material, besides thieves?

524.   Pain is fleeting.  Pain is ephemeral.  It doesn't last very long.  It only hurts for a little while.--Tate Korpi, Age 2.67 years

525.   Shoot!  I've erased my reminder.  Remind me to write a reminder later to remind myself to write down the thing I was trying to remember to do, cause I'll forget.

526.   Of course my son is goofy, too.  Where do you think I get it from?

527.   The only way I will allow you to use your calculators on the test is if you tape it to the bottom of your foot, and you take the test standing only on the calculator foot.  To add to the feat, not feet, you must remove the batteries first.

528.   So if we trace along the curve, we can see the amount of trace element that is left, however, this is not always the case, only in this trace case.

529.   Wouldn't it be neat if they had a field event that was similar to pole vaulting, where you have to jump over a horizontal stick, but instead of using a pole, you would have to use your own feet to determine how high you could jump.    They could call it the poleless vault, or the foot vault, or something clever like that.

530.   I learned that the majority of the people in this world are people I haven't met, nor would I ever want to.

531.   Someone needs to make a song about the accomplishments of the Budweiser everyday guy who writes songs about the overlooked accomplishments of everyday guys.

532.   Wake up Mr. Jones, unless you are dreaming about math, then it's OK, but in that case, it could have been a nightmare, like some of assignments you turn in.  Please go back to sleep.

533.   Indeed, I write much more eloquently than I speak.  The spoken and the written language are very similar, but yet so far apart.  For instance, the spoken word is much easier to hear.

534.   Sometimes when I'm writing and I want to use a big word where a diminutive word would be amply sufficient, I increase the font size of the diminutive word to only make it appear bigger.

535.   I won't tell you how old I am.  Let's just say, if they were truly "birthdays," I would have 29 bellybuttons, in which case.

536.   I think there is something inherently majestic about watching eagles and horse running wild together in the wilderness.  I think it is uninherently majestic to put crowns on their heads just to watch them struggle to shake them off.

537.   The time in takes for the bell to ring is inversely proportional to the distance between the door and the pack of students waiting by the it for the bell to ring.

538.   No calculators on the test.  Save your batteries for Spring Break.

539.   On number 7 on the test, I want you to give me an exact number, not just a log expression, like, "Man he's so lazy he's just a bump on a log."

540.   I'm not going to tell you until after the test that you are going to be able to do test corrections.

541.   This first thing you need to do when trying to graph exponential and logarithmic equations is to ask yourself, "Self, is it exponential or logarithmic?"

542.   To determine if an equation is exponential or logarithmic, look to see if it has the word "log" in it.  If it does, it isn't exponential.  It will have a VA.

543.   When taking a test, alway remember the advice of Kenny Rogers' Gambler: you got to know when to walk away, and know when to run.  But don't do either until you've simplified all of your answers.

544.   Sometimes it seems like my life is like the troll who says you need a pass to cross the bridge, then tells you that you get them at the booth on the other side of the bridge.

545.   Anything to the zero-th power is one, except zero of course, because it's not anything at all: it's undefined.  But, that is not to say that nothing to the zero-th power is undefined, because it isn't.

546.   To me Spring Break is nothing more than what the caveman said when he jumped on the mattress too hard. 

547.   'Enthused'  is not a word.  You mean 'enthusiastic!'  If you were actually enthusiastic enough, you wouldn't need to abbreviate it!

548.   Here are some common isotopes and their respective half-lives.  There's Carbon-14, Plutonium, Uranium, Einsteinium, and this one that I've never heard of before: does anyone Nobelium?

549.   OK, that problem wasn't so bad.  Let's do that thing on a cow where you get milk from--Let's do an udder.

550.   Let's take this expanded logarithmic expression this morning and dew a little condensation with it.

551.   . . .so the population comes out to 803,773.869 people.  Mathematicians are very interested in that .869th of a person.  Many acutally like numbers better than people.  People more concerned with humanity will give that .869th person the benefit of the doubt and make them a whole person.

552.   When taking the derivative of an exponential function that is not the natural base, you must remember to multiply, not divide by, the natural log of that base.  To help you remember: "P-roduct"  has a "P" in it, and so does "ex-P-o-nent."  Wow, when you say that really slowly with a certain emphasis, you might think is was giving you a vulgar command.

553.   Well, our daughter was born last Thursday.  We named her Jenna.  Because she was born with so much hair, her middle name is Fur.  Her full name is now Jenna Fur Korpi.

554.   That was very deep!!  You ought to send that into Reader's Digest.  They have a page just for people like you.

555.   If you just punch in the numbers into your calculator and hit enter, it spits the answer out, but you won't get wet because the plastic screen acts like a screen.

556.   I have no use for a cell phone.  I don't have an exaggerated sense of my importance, and I think talking to other people is overrated.

557.   I didn't have to pay a thing for my home gym.  I furnished it with free weights.

558.   Today in class I reviewed subtraction with my students.  I hope it made a difference.

559.   You can bring your assignment to me this afternoon or tomorrow morning, whichever comes first.

560.   I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, which wouldn't have been bad, except my bed is up against a wall, and now, I have this huge sheetrock repair.

561.   Why were you absent last class?  Were you sick or just ill?

562.   My son doesn't listen very well.  No matter how many times I tell him, he just won't sit still while I tickle him.

563.   I always afraid to go to functions where large crowds are gathered because in the event of an accident, I would hate to hear the words, "Is there a mathematician in the house?"

564.   If we don't find the solution, who will? Should we employ a search party?

565.   All the easy theories have already been taken.  Hooke had it easy.

566.   I should have started making these comments later in the year, because I believe I am running out of them.

567.   When you sleep in my class, please have the courtesy to remain sleeping while I talk about you.

568.   Don't believe everything you read in the dictionary.

569.   If you think integrals are fun, let me tell you about double and triple integrals.

570.   There is a limit at that point, and the limit is infinity.

571.   Pardon me, I was just caught in a repetitive loop of self-indulgence.

572.   The following problem could be on the test, but it won't.

573.   The good thing about being a math major in college, was that the labs weren't very smelly.

574.   Now where was I, before I so rudely interrupted myself?

575.   Is he salivating because of my savory lecture, or is he slobbering on his desk in his sleep?

576.   If theorems were people, this one would be my best friend.

577.   On any Chemistry test, I think it's important to know your basic acids.

578.   The only math I am requiring y'all do over summer is to count the days until you are in my math class again next year.

579.   There won't be extra credit on the exam, but I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll give you full credit.

580.   If each of you spent as much time studying for your final exam as much as you spent trying to find ways of making the test easier, you'll accomplish your goal.

581.   You are all making me so angry asking me to leave class that I'm this close to granting your wishes.

582.   Difficult problems are only torture to the dedicated math student who actually labors over them and is interested in finding their solutions.  The rest of y'all only are interested in complaining about them.

583.   I'm Mr. Korpi.  This is my brain, and this is my dry-erase marker: my instruments of math instruction.

584.   Don't be fooled by the proofs that I got, I'm still Korpi from the block.

585.   I think I'll go to the barber today after school.  I'm going to have my hair cut longer.

586.   No, I didn't get a haircut, I just combed my hair shorter today.

587.   The word is not rel-ishing, but relish-ing, which is the act of putting diced pickel products on hot dogs.

588.   Korpi: Don't you ever call me 'guy' again.  Student:  OK 'man.'

589.   The only math I'm requiring you to do over the summer is to count the days until you are in my math class again this year.

590.   Shhhhhhh.  Do y'all smell that?

591.   You can use your notes on the exam as long as you use them inside your zipped backpack, which won't really help you unless you are a contortionist, but even then, I think it would be too dimly lit to see anything.

592.   Just because you see me doesn't mean I'm here, anymore than not seeing me means I'm not here.

593.   If you should find any mistakes on the exam, please raise your hand so that I can tell you to disregard them.

594.   You want a hint. OK, here's your hint.  "Look in the grassy knoll."

595.   Student:  Can I burn my textbook?  Korpi:  Sure.  Are you cold?  I hear that math textbooks make good fire fuel, especially the chapter on logs.

596.   . . . and I was so touched by her sincere gratitude in her 'thank you' note for the letter of recommendation I gave her, that I wroter her a 'thank you' note, to which she replied . . . 

597.   I'm persistant.  Only after trying it from 90 different Angles did I get it Right.

598.   If you have any mathematical emergencies over the summer, please do not hesitate to call me.  I'm there to help.

599.   Before you turn in your textbooks for the year, please remove the bookcover that it never had and make sure it is your name that you never wrote written in it.

600.   I'm going to try really hard not to miss you this summer, except if you were a bad student and I see you while I'm out driving in my car.

601.   And your boss doesn't mind you giving massages for money while you are working for him at the pet store?!?!  That's Moonlighting in broad daylight!

602.   Wrong!!!  There is a hole in your reasoning.  The reason there is a hole there is not because your calculator gives you an error.  The calculator gives you an error because there is a hole there.  

603.   Parallel lines do meet, only incognito.

604.   Alright, calm down there Parabola man.  Don't get bent out of shape.

605.   I really like to study polynomials with non-trivial coefficients because they have such shapely curves and nice figures.

606.   Next year we will be getting a new precalculus book.  We have already done extensive testing and we have concluded that it does look good sitting in the bottom of your lockers.

607.   My fortune cookie message to you is that I hope that your summers are so cool that you are forced to wear a coat while sunbathing so as to avoid the dangerous UV rays.

608.   Next year I think I'm going to do a little more to prepare my seniors for college.  As part of my plans for a more rigorous curriculum, I plan on teaching them how to cook Ramen.

609.   I want you all to have fun this summer.  And if you don't have any, either get a job and buy some, or borrow some from a friend.  I will even consider giving you an advance on the fun we will be having next year in math class.

610.   People always come up to me and say, "Mr. Korpi, just are just so gawsh darn funny . . . looking."  To which I burst out in laughter and reply, "That's a great one, but, you should see things from my perspective."

611.   I stayed up all night worrying about whether y'all were up all night worrying about the test, but then I went to bed.

612.   Quit fighting, y'all.  There's plenty of math here to go around.

613.   I just wanted to tell all of you that you all have class for showing up for the test today.  I'd hate to make your trip for nothing.

614.   I'm an animal lover, too.  Especially cows, they make the best burgers.  I knew this cow once they called Cookie.  Man, you should have seen her work the griddle.

615.   I'm sorry I offend you.  Some things just come naturally to me.

616.   Growing up, my dad used to say, "Eat your onions, boy.  They'll put toes on your feet."  Yep, my dad was never wrong.

617.   The little numbers written in the crotches of the radicals are called 'indices.'  This is also where many fish reside. 

618.   This year there will be no food or drinks, including water, allowed in class.  This is especially challenging for us, because mathematics is so darn mouth-watering.

619.   As part of your homework, this year, I want you to pre-read the next section of your textbook before you come to class.  But wait, since you don't have textbooks this year, I guess you can't do that, after all.  Oh, well!  The intent was there.

620.   I will allow you to bribe me on the test.  For $1 per point, you can buy your grade, not to exceed $50.

621.   When we say the limit is infinity, we are really saying there is no limit.  For instance, if I say you have infinite potential, I am exaggerating, but I'm saying there is no limit to what you could do.

622.   Shhhhhhhhhhhhh, everybody.  I feel a pledge coming on.

623.   A possible value for a would be b, unless of course a cannot be b, then a would be some other non-b value.

624.   If what I'm saying is going over your head, I suggest you stand for the rest of the year.

625.   When I say, "think quietly to yourself," I mean "in your head."  Some of you have leaky ears, because I can hear you.

626.   Let's do this problem democratically.  How many of y'all think the answer is 5?

627.   Please be kind to your Calculus books.  They are in pretty bad shape.  I don't know why, but they seem like they are subject to random acts of violence.

628.   Have no fear!! I know to turn the volume down on the TV before I turn the VCR on.  I have been to teacher school!

629.   I don't like to consider myself as just a Teacher, but rather more as a Teachemall.

630.   This year, I plan on moving more quickly through the curriculum, so that the time spent complaining about the content is minimized.

631.   If I have to ask you to be quiet again, I'm gonna turn green and rip through my purple pants!

632.   We need to multiply by several clever forms of one.  In doing so, we don't change the original expression, because "anything" times one is still "anything," as long as "anything" isn't just anything, but rather the original thing.

633.   Do you realize that there is an actual difference between sweet potatoes and yams?!  The yam proponents have launched a new campaign to educate the public: "We're not Sweet Potatoes, Yammit!"

634.   Has anyone ever been in such a fierce downpour that the rain hurt like hail?

635.   Sure you can sleep in class today.  Just do it with your eyes open and pen moving.  Also, be ready to respond should I suddenly call on you.  Sweet Dreams."

636.   Nothing makes me hungrier for Math than the thought of a cold yam.

637.   Your book calls an arbitrary coordinate (u, v), but I will simply use (x, y).  I try to avoid UV at all costs; there is a history of skin cancer in my family.

638.   The folks at Harvard have nothing on y'all.  The only difference is that they don't have any money because it all goes to their expensive tuition. . . . . No? . . . . . . Y'all don't buy that? . . . That's probably because y'all can't afford to buy it like those Harvard kids can.

639.   I can't do anything about your Physics teacher.  My hands are tied.  . . . What?! . . . . He said he doesn't like Calculus?!  Well, that's getting personal.  Not only are my hands now untied, but they are in fists.

640.   So to remember the Quotient Rule, just sing the diddy, "Ho-d-Hi minus Hi-d-Ho, over Ho Ho."  In the denominator you have an abbreviated Holiday greeting from Santa.  Although, Santa could also say Hi Hi, he would certainly say Ho Ho, first, hence, it goes in the denominator.

641.   We can do this proof two ways: the short way or the long way.  The difference is like going from here to San Antonio by going South (a distance of only 30 miles), or contrarily by going North.

642.   If you go North, you’ll end up going South.

643.   When I get to the ocean, I won’t have to take a boat or an airplane!  I have an amphibious vehicle, and you can’t tell me what I can and can’t do with it.

644.   Now that we have finished the problem, let’s debrief, but keep your underpants on, please.

645.   I took a bath instead of a shower last night because I wanted to conserve gravity.  Yah, I figured there must be a shortage, because so many of my student’s heads were in the clouds.

646.    is a very unlucky number, but, since it is a number, one could put it on one’s athletic jersey instead of the equivalent number, but be warned, people might think you were weird, because, who would pick an unlucky number for their jersey.

647.   Once I found the ice cream in the back of the freezer, I had the problem licked.

648.   I used to watch Bewitched growing up, but I never really ever got used to the second Darren.

649.   To see if a critical point is a local max or min, we only need to analyze the slopes East and West of the point.  Let’s take a trip to the West side now.  Everyone please stay together!  Safety in numbers!

650.   You need to label your intentions so that if I or your teacher read your paper, I and the teacher being one in the same, they will know what you are doing.

651.   There will be partial credit on the exam.  For the select few, there will be very partial credit.

652.   When my wife and I were at different colleges, she wasn’t then my wife, we were only dating heavily.

653.   Your only homework is to prepare yourself for the large celebration of mathematical knowledge extravaganza which is scheduled for next time.  Come early, and get a good seat.  Everyone present before the tardy bell gets a free prize, redeemable for points.

654.   Ok, I’m sorry for digressing there and going off on a tangent.  This is, after all, Calculus.

655.   I saw a box of crackers the other day that read, “Stoned Wheat Crackers.”  I immediately thought to myself, “Duuuuuuuude, those sound soooooooo delicious right now, I could eat the whoooooole box, Maaaaaaaan.”

656.   I think it’s unfair to name just one math course in relation to it’s preparation for Calculus.  I think Precalculus is an appropriate name, but Geometry should be called PresquaredCalculus, Algebra II should be Precubed Calculus, Algebra I PretothefourthCalculus, and so on.  Statistics should also be renamed “Analytic Prevarification.”

657.   That comedian is just like me, only funnier.

658.   Do any of y’all ever sit back, take a random object, and try to write a joke about it?  For example, take this yard stick.  You can say, “How do you measure acreage?  With a yard stick,” or you can say, “What do you call a ruler on your lawn?  A yard stick.”  But the yard stick doesn’t necessarily have to be the punch line, for instance, you could say, “What did the yard stick say to the other yard stick?  You rule!!”  Do any of you ever do that?  Or is that just me?

659.   Believe me when I say that our society can’t think for itself anymore.  Believe me when I say we should begin to question everything again.  Believe me when I say we need to lose our collective gullibility.  Take my word on it.

660.   As much of a pain as it is to try to get good copies these day, with the machines always broken, it sure beats the old fashion way of copying.  Just ask Guttenberg’s successors. 

661.   Some of you are misusing the solution’s manual.  I see to many of you not using your brain, but rather just copying the steps and solutions directly out of it.  If you really enjoy copying that much, I’ll start having you personally make my class set of handouts.

662.   When I grow up, I want to be a little kid.

663.   I tried to explain the meaning of Pi to my three-year-old son the other day.  I explained to him the upper and lower bound could be obtained by dividing a circumscribed and inscribed polygon, I used a hexagon to keep it simple, by their respective “diameters.”  Afterwards, I asked him what he thought about Pi.  He said, “I like Pi, Daddy.  I like Blueberry Pi the best.”  Apparently, he didn’t listen to a word I said.  He did have a point, though: blueberry pie is darned good.

664.   My three-year-old son told me the other day that his favorite shape was a hexagon.  Not a bad choice, I told him.  The hexagon is my favorite polygon, but not my favorite shape in general.  Perhaps his tastes will change as he approaches four.

665.   My wife and I recently bought a King-size bed for our bedroom, so that our two kids could be more comfortable at night.

666.   Our district wants each of its faculty members to be technologically proficient.  That is, it wants each of us to learn how to use all the technology it cannot afford to by for us to use.

667.   I think all bathroom doors in public should open to the outside.  Here’s why?  Do you know how few guys wash their hands after they use the restroom?  Then they grab the door handle to pull it open.  After I clean up afterwards, the last thing I am required to do when I leave is grab that handle, which amounts to grabbing a handle that has touched just about every guy who has used those facilities.  It makes me want to turn around and wash my hands again, but then there’s that darn handle again. 

668.   My wife had a garage sale last weekend.  Now I have nowhere to park my car.

669.   Is it just me, or does it defeat the purpose to have scheduled fire drills?  Are our fires going be scheduled, too?

670.   I think the problem with today’s students, is that too many of them are only interested in being shining examples of the Law of the Conservation of Energy.

671.   To me, a thermal mug is a picture of a guy with a full facial beard and moustache.

672.   I’ll get to that idea again later when it comes to me.

673.   Sometimes I have a hard time getting something out of my head once it gets there.  For instance, when I was five, my brother shot me in the temple with a BB gun . . .

674.   We cannot say that a function is either increasing or decreasing at a relative max or min.  It is doing neither there.  Consider Sir Edmund Hillary climbing Mount Everest for the first time.  He didn’t just climb up one side and immediately climb down the other.  He probably stayed at the top for a while, catching his breath, reveling in his accomplishments, taking in the view, building a small campfire, catching a bite to eat, making some yellow snow, all before he started back down again.  A relative extrema is just such a resting point.

675.   I bet it would really suck to climb Mount Everest and think you were at the top, in which case you would start celebrating, but then you realize that there is really a lot more mountain ahead of you that was only blocked by a cloud.

676.   I’d rather be a mountain climber than a cave explorer.  When a climber reaches the apex, the hard work is over, it’s all downhill from there.  It is opposite for a spelunker.  Once he reaches his nadir, and then wants out, well, that’s when he actually has to start the hard work.  I like to safe the easy for the last.

677.   It is only my own humble opinion, but I think Willie Wonka is the greatest fictional candy maker of all time.

678.   He who think he can or he can’t is probably confused over the true potential of his capabilities.

679.   Some scientists have now theorized that our universe is actually a large thin membrane, comparing our universe and parallel universes to slices of bread in a loaf.  The proponents of the Global Warming theory have now predicted that if this is the case, our Universe is toast.

680.   What the heck is the difference between jam, jelly, and marmalade?  Aren’t they all made from fruit?  Don’t they all come in jars and go on toast?  Shouldn’t marmalade start with a “J?” 

681.   When I die, I want to come back as a dead guy. . . in a big, plush coffin with vaulted ceilings, on account of my being claustrophobic.

682.   99.999% of the time, a graph with both a vertical asymptote and a slant asymptote will be in the opposite quadrants, or compartments, from each other, and when they are in opposite quadrants, 99.999% of the time, they will be in the acute compartments.  I guess they just like small spaces.

683.   [Coughing, hacking, eyes tearing up]  I guess I shouldn’t have eaten that toothpick.  I should listen to my wife. [cough, hack, cough]  NEVER, I TELL YOU! NEVER!!  I AM MY OWN [Big Cough] MAN!!

684.   I don’t know why there is a big sign in the corner saying “Room 903?”  The janitor must have put it there.  You would think with three permanent signs outside the door saying “room 903” that another one inside would be unneeded.  I think we can begin to say, though, with statistical confidence that as more signs labeling this room as 903 appear, that there is an increasingly likely chance that this room may be room 903.

685.   I like my steaks cooked medium well.  I only like raw meat on rare occasions.

686.   I really smells like tuna, but y’all claim no one opened a bag of tuna.  How can that be?  There’s something fishy going on!

687.   Here’s a nice problem.  Would any of you like to take a male goose at it?

688.   The next Math Club meeting will be before the one after that, but after the last one.

689.   When it rains, it pours, and when it pours, it might be a pitcher.

690.   Look!  It’s so windy outside, it blew the rider off that swing!

691.   It’s so windy outside, my lips get chapped just looking at it.

692.   I think being chapped to death is the worst way to die.  The only thing possibly worse is if there was a tub of Vaseline intensive care just out of your reach as you were being chapped to death.  That would really chap my hide.

693.   The new Math Club shirts are in, so come down, pick one up and try it on, before there out.

694.   I cannot stand waiting around in an upright position with no place to sit. 

695.   I think we should all believe in something.  I believe I’ll stop talking now.

696.   The other night I had a dream that I was awake, then I woke up, and it was true!

697.   I think the food at Taco Bell is all the same.  It just comes in different shapes.

698.   Here let me sharpen that pencil for you.  How can you expect to sharpen your skills with such a dull pencil?  Sharp lead, sharp mind.  That’s what I’ve always said once or twice.

699.   I have good news today, kids.  The fire drill was cancelled today due to the rain outside.  In the case that there was an actual fire, I suppose it would be extinguished by all the rain.  No fire, no fire drill.  Apparently fires only happen in sunny weather!

700.   I got a note from a student’s parent the other day that said, “Please excuse ‘so and so’s’ tardy.  We were running late.”  I wrote a note back saying, “Please excuse my incredulity, I was in disbelief.”

701.   OK!  It’s 2 in the afternoon in a Calculus class.  I have one question to ask:  Who’s makin’ bacon?  I’m starting to salivate, and it’s not over this math problem!

702.   I realize the test is a little long, but I promise I will give you sufficient time to incomplete it.

703.   The janitor outside uses his shoe to remove scuff marks from the floor.  When he’s hard at it, his sneakers squeak so much, you’d swear he was playing a game of one-on-none with himself.

704.   Student:  Will you write me a letter of Recommendation?  Korpi:  Sure, but it all depends on what you want me to recommend you for.  Tell you what, you write one, and I might sign it.  Thanks.  I’ll need it by tomorrow.

705.   The 3-dimensional Moebius Torus is a twist on the 2-D Moebius Strip.

706.   Time, Money, and Quality are three competing resources.  You can usually have only two of them at the expense of the third.

707.   Today we will be starting a Calculus lesson on Optimization.  I am going to try to cram as much information as possible into the lesson in the allotted amount of time.

708.   As your understanding of the second derivative matures, your knowledge will increase at an increasing rate, meaning, it will be concave up.

709.   Patience now, patience.  There are plenty enough exams to go around.  In fact, there are so many questions on this test, we can make two or three out of them.

710.   The test is not long, only eleven and a half inches down each of the 5 pages on which it is typed.

711.   If the radius of the coke can was as large as it could be, the height would be zero.  What I’d get from the Coke machine wouldn’t be a can at all, it would be two large aluminum disks sandwiched around an infinitely thin layer of air.  But I don’t want a sandwich!  I’m not hungry, I’m thirsty, and that’s why I tried to buy Coke.

712.   There is a much easier way to do this problem if you would just quit making it so difficult.

713.   As much as it hurts to get hit by rocks, I think it would hurt even more to get hit by frozen rocks.

714.   I can't even imagine being chapped to death.

715.   Your indefinite integral needs to be more definitive.

716.   Just in case you all didn’t know, here’s some mathematical trivia:  Zero is neither positive, nor is it negative.  It is neutral.  It’s the numerical equivalent of Switzerland.

717.   We used to have an organ growing up, but my mom ended up giving it to Goodwill.  She said it was a very noble thing to be an organ donor.

718.   When I die, I’m going to leave my Pianos to Goodwill and my Organs to Science.

719.   When I say “jump,” you say “how high?”  When I say, “don’t jump,” you don’t say, “how low?”

720.   Do you know that our school board just spent almost 40 grand on a consultant just to tell them how they can save money?  Doesn’t that seem odd to you?  Never mind the fact that that financial management and allocation is one of the job descriptions of the superintendent.  I always knew that it took money to make money, but apparently now it takes money to save money.

721.   I wouldn’t call Precalculus a breeze.  A strong Gale, though, I would.

722.   Of course I’m not going to read your Calculus Christmas Carol to the entire class, Carols are written to be SUNG!

723.   Bye!  Have an edible Lunch (as students leave the class to go to lunch.)

724.   So far, in my 29 short years, I have successfully avoided death.  On some Friday nights in high school, I also successfully avoided having a life.

725.   When all else fails, hit all the buttons at once.

726.   Call me Korpi Klaus, bring of Glad Tidings and Mathematical Merriment.

727.   When we go Calculus Caroling, it won’t work unless we all sing, but even then it probably still won’t, but I want everyone to try, so if you get embarrassed easily, pretend that you don’t.

728.   Hello class, we are the AP calculus class, and we are about to sing some Christmas carols like you’ve never heard  . .  Believe me!!!!  Please save all your jeering until the very end.

729.   It’s funny that you heard us caroling and came running to see what it was.  It’s usually the other way around.

730.   Hello, we are the AP calculus class, and we are going to sing some modified Christmas Carols for you.  So if you are planning to take Calculus in the future, you have something to look forward to.  To succeed in Calculus, you not only need to be good at math, but you must have a high tolerance for public ridicule.

731.   Your test will be multiple choice, but not on Scantron.  If you right your answer choices straight down the left-hand side of your paper, I can grade them just as quickly.  I usually have the letter sequence memorized by the third paper.  I usually make some type of word out of them, for example: “AahBeBeCeEeeAahAahBeCeeDahDahAahEeeCeDah”

732.   While speaking with the Principal this morning, totally against my will, I discovered two ways to avoid speaking to him altogether.  All you have to do is one of the following: Discuss something intelligent with him – or – speak with a sense of humor.  He hates them both, apparently.

733.   As a potential author of several books, I don’t care if people read the books I haven’t written, as long as they buy them.

734.   I will now pass around this small package of table salt.  When it comes to you, please remove only one grain from the package, because what I have to tell you, I want you to take with a grain of salt: “I only have one packet to share among all of us.  Hard to believe, I know.”

735.   Student: “How long has it been taking the other classes to finish the test?”  Korpi: “Oh, about 28 questions.”

736.   Korpi: “Hey, I just found a dollar bill out in the hall.  This must be my lucky day!”  Student:  “Oh, that’s mine I just dropped it.”  Korpi: “Really!  Ok, then, can you describe what it looks like?”  Student:  “Yes, it’s green and has a picture of George Washington on the front.”  Korpi:  “Oh, so close. I’m sorry, though.  This one is green, too, but it has a picture of George Washington on the back, not the front.”

737.   Any positive number is bigger than any negative number, for example, one is much bigger than negative one million.

738.   The definite integral gives the NET area, not necessarily the gross, for example, in this problem there are 4 inches below the x-axis and 1 square inch above the x-axis.  If I was looking to carpet this area, I would need to order 4+1=5 square inches of carpet, which is hardly worth ordering to begin with.  However, the definite integral gives us the net area: the area below the x-axis is negative, and positive above, so the net area is negative 4 plus one which is negative 3 square inches.  That would be even harder to order.

739.   Bye, Bye.  Have fun with that math homework.  Do all you want; I’ll make more.

740.   I don’t really like the taste of lipstick.  I won’t even kiss my wife if she’s wearing it.  Incidentally, she won’t kiss me either if I’m wearing it, but for a different reason, of course.

741.   Students: “Mr. Korpi, how’d you hurt your knee?”  Korpi:  “Well I was 4-wheeling, then I was suddenly 0-wheeling.”

742.   Students: “Mr. Korpi, how’d you hurt your knee?”  Korpi:  Well, let’s just say that it is very, very important to stretch prior to working very large math problems.”

743.   Don’t forget to get me that newspaper when you come back from lunch, if you remember.

744.   Korpi: “Don’t make fun of the way I dress.  My wife picks out my clothes for me, so laugh at my wife.”  Students:  “Really?! Your wife picks out your clothes?”  Korpi:  “Of course not, sillies.  It was just a joke.  That’s still my mom’s job!”

745.   Did you all hear President Bush’s new Mars proposal.  He said that the U.S. was fixin’ to get ready to think about making plans to plan a trip that would land us on Mar.

746.   For those of you who think Hitler is still alive, he’d be 114 today!—April 20, 2003

747.   This is the worst week I’ve had in a couple of days.

748.   Alright!  Which one of you young ladies was first?  You?  OK, then.  I’m sorry, but you are just going to have to wait your turn!

749.   We all make mistakes.  In this case, it was quite an obvious mistake we should have recognized sooner.  It was right there in front of our noses the whole time.  But if you think about it, how often during the day do you actually see your nose.  Unless you cross your eyes, or have a really big nose, you can’t see it, you just trust that it’s there.  Right now, for instance, I assume my nose is still there, because if it wasn’t you would all be laughing or being grossed out.  Y’all would be like, “Wow!  Look, Michael Jackson is our Calculus Teacher!” But I’m too dark to be Michael Jackson.  I’d have to prove I wasn’t by Moonwalking during a math problem.  So as I was saying . . .

750.   I’m a math teacher.  Even my dreams are boring.  In fact, they are so boring, they put me to sleep.I

751.   If each of your (students) don’t live up to my expectations, it is your failing, not my mistake.

752.   Last week, I kept getting this Pop-Up ad for Viagra; it was like the ad, itself, was on the stuff. 

753.   If I don’t see y’all ‘til next time, have a great time ‘til then, or even better.

754.   I have graded your tests.  Some did better than others, some worse than others. One person did no worse than anyone, and one also did no better than anyone.  The lowest grade was below the top score, which was above the lowest.  The rest of the grades were distributed between the high and low grade.  So, overall, the grades were somewhere between zero and 100, with the lowest score not being zero, but the highest grade actually being 100.  I will hand them back to you now.

755.   After this problem, we will be closer to being close to almost being ready to be fixing to be almost done.

756.  Thanks for catching my error.  I knew something wasn’t right.  It just didn’t feel right when I did it.  I was thinking, “Did I leave the iron on at home? No, I don’t iron.  Did I forget my car keys this morning?”  As it turned out, I just missed a negative.

757.  Korpi: “Here’s the last of the easy ones . . .”  Student:  “Ya, before you beat us to death with the hard ones.”  Korpi:  “No, No, No!  I prefer to call it flogging.”

758.  Because this class asks much more profound and probing questions than the other class; consequently, we have more lively discussions.  Also, consequently, we have to go more quickly through the lesson.  But, more intelligent people ask more intelligent questions, and, more intelligent people can learn more quickly.  So to get the lesson in, I usually have to talk 90 to nothing, almost intelligibly fast.  I am confident that you will either get the lesson or quit asking so many darn questions.

759.  It’s OK in our answer if we restrict the domain.  The domain of our answer can be a subset of the domain of our original function.  What we don’t want to happen is for the original problem’s domain to be a proper subset of our answer.  Think of the dire and irreversible consequences!!!

760.  Although my daughter is 10 months old, when people ask how old she is, I say, “Zero.”  From this, they infer, usually, if they don’t breathe through their mouth, that she is in the interval of the non-inclusive interval of zero to one.  Only the Wal-Mart shoppers think she is actually zero, but they don’t even realize that that is impossible.

761.  What a great lesson I have in store for you today.  Today you are going to say, “Wow!  I can’t believe public education is FREE!”  I haven’t been this excited about a lesson since last time.

762.  The best way to avoid discipline problems is the classroom is a heavy dose of cheesy, really cheesy jokes.  The kids will get used to them and come to expect an order of free queso with every lesson.

763.  OK, you say we should preserve the domain at all costs.  I say, it’s OK to restrict it, so long as we don’t expand it.  It’s a matter of preference really.  I’m the teacher, which means, I’m the boss.  If there is no real profound mathematical consequence, you will do as I say, or your class rank will drop.  Otherwise, we are just splitting hairs, and when I say hairs, I mean like on the top of your head, not bunnies.  That’s for biology class, AND that’s how the real-world works.

764.  Today is a free day.  I’m really tired.  If you object, please take it up with the Principal.  To keep it on the level, as I sleep, you may calculate the area under my curve.  Please use theoretical data rather than empirical.  I would like to live to sleep another day.

765.   Yes I drink a full pot of coffee each day, and I put it all in this big giant mug.  And that’s all I need, just one cup a day, then.  No tell me that it’s bad for me, too much caffeine, etc.  If caffeine is bad for you, then everything is bad for you.  I’ll honestly say that the fumes from that powerful bold-colored green dry-erase marker are more detrimental than caffeine . . . but for you students, in the name of mathematics, I assume the risks.  It just comes with the job of being a teacher.

766. Your homework is like a really good steak—rarely done.

767.  My marvelous masters of math meddle in my mistakes, making my mishaps material for mathematical merriment.

768.  All arrays aren’t always arranged alphabetically.

769.  Mathematical mastery mitigates matriculation misery.

770.  Determining Derivatives Demands Dedicated, Diligent Disciples.

771.  Sleeping Students Sometimes Salivate Sloppily on Schoolwork.

772.  Homework helps hone helpful habits.

773.  Confidently calculating complex calculus computations commands committed concentration.

774.  Learning limits lightly is, loosely, lunacy.

775.  Intimately investigation infinitesimals introduces initiates and ingrates to infinite ideas.

776.  Participation prepares people positively for purposeful pursuits.

777.  Most matters of math muster the mind’s mighty muscle.

778.  Knowing numbers is a non-negotiable necessity.

779.  Proving postulates purports painstaking persistence and presupposes patience.

780.  Educators endure enormous entourages of energetic ensembles.

781.  Alliteration almost automatically alleviates ailments . . . Anyways . . .

782.  Painful persistence pertaining to particular procedures promotes prolonged procurement of proper practices.

783.  Functions form the fundamental foundations of finite formulas for finding forces.

784.  Fall finals foster fear for fatuous fellows who frantically forget formulas.

785.  Starting spring semesters signal salient, sallying sounds of seniors singing saporous, seductive songs of summer.

786.  Trig’s tricky triangular tasks take time to tackle triumphantly.

787.  The real roots of romance aren’t reason or ‘rithmetic, rather reducible to raw, robust regard for roses.

788.  The terminable task of taking the TAKS test is torturous and taxing, though tacitly tolerable.

789.  You say I drink too much coffee.  10 cups a day!  Big deal.  You should see my coffee maker.  It can make 12 cups at a time.  So to me, 10 cups is already in moderation.

790.  Man, this Calculus book is heavy.  I get tired of lifting it up on my podium.  It must really suck to be y’all, having to carry it around all day with all those other books.  Man it sucks to be y’all.

791.  Although my big huge mug says, “Texas Tea Cup,” it’s just a false front, a cover, for what it really contains.  No, my friends, it doesn’t contain any tea at all.  It really contains the warmer, equally caffeinated drink: coffee.  It’s so fun to fool people.

792.  That was a great discussion we had today.  Thank y’all for being so mathematically feisty.

793.  A function and an inverse have all their y-ey and x-ey stuff switched.  What is exy on the function is now very exy on its inverse.

794.  Calculus is so much fun because we get to have some great philosophical discussions regarding zero and infinity.  They are such seriously profound and related concepts that history has had many sects devoted entirely to them.  That’s s-e-c-t-s.  Probably fewer of the other type.

795.  Korpi: “I know I promised that this would be the last problem we work today in class, but I want to work just one more, because I think it will help you in the homework.”  Student:  “So you’re a compulsive liar, huh?”  Korpi:  “No, Call me a ‘Friday Fibber’.”  Student:  “So you aren’t a compulsive liar?”  Korpi:  “Yes, I am.  I was just lying earlier.”

796.  Damn, I hate these white dry-erase markers.  I never know where to erase!

797.  The slower I talk, the sleepier I get!

798.  I think the past participle of “to drink” should be “have drinken,” not “have drunk.”  I think the word “drunk” should be reserved for times when you say, “Dang, I’m drunk!  I guess I have drinken too much!”

799.   There are only 2 minutes left for the quiz.  You should be getting really close to making your final guesses.

800.   Korpi:  “Boy, it sure feels like a Friday today!”  Student: “But, today *is* Friday.”  Korpi:  “Hence the veracity of my previous statement!”

801.   I’m not of the high and supreme moral fabric you think I am.  I’m more sublemon than sublime.

802.   He who forgets his food in the microwave is doomed to reheat it.

803.   I like to be fit.  I don’t like to exercise though, and when I’m fit, I’d rather have someone else do it, like a Tailor, but it’s very important to be fit.  You wouldn’t want your clothes to fit you inappropriately.

804.   You can bet that that will happen 99 times out of 99 ½ chances.

805.   My dad used to work in the used car business.   It was brutal.  He had one day off a week, and when sales were down, he was required to work on his day off.  As it turns out, Idiot Shark Logic dictates that fewer sales is a function of lack of salesmen.  So what ended up happening is there were 10 guys just standing around most of the day instead of just 8.  The neanderthal sales manager who sits on his brain all day, had no clue that low sales was not caused by the lack of salesmen to handle the customers BUT THE LACK OF CUSTOMERS THEMSELVES!!!!  Hello!! 

806.   I know all the digits of Pi, I just don’t know what order they go in.

807.   Student:  “Mr. Korpi, is the next test going to be hard?”  Korpi:  “Do you really want me to answer that?  What do you think?  Have we had one yet that’s been soft?  Let’s just say it’ll be darn solid.”

808.   As much as I dislike teaching Precal, not only because I don’t like the subject, but especially because of the whiny, youth-like, skill-deficient students that take it, if I’m going to keep teaching Calculus, I need to keep teaching precal so that I don’t end up feeling the same way about calculus.  I’d rather get the stupidity out of them at a lower level than at a higher one.

809.   My wife keeps telling me I’m out of shape.  I keep telling her that I’m not out of shape, I’m just so malleable and flexible, that I can take on many shapes.

810.   I’m about to say something that is not funny in the least bit:  “Orbital Sanders aren’t so random as cheeseburgers driving taxis.”

811.   Have you ever tried to assemble phrases of words that you imagine have never been spoken in that particular sequence before?  Phrases like, “Whale aphrodisiacs with chalk and dice,” or the rarer sequence, “Hey!  I like math.”

812.   Have you noticed that all cars now have a starting price of like, under 35 thousand dollars, like $34,999?  Then in the commercials, they show the car, and in the small print at the bottom, it reads, “$34,999 base price, $84,999 as shown,” and you’re wondering, “Dang, if that one’s 85 grand and it has all the components of a car, what’s the base model that costs 35 grand lacking?  Do the windows roll down?  OH!  They all have On-Star, so I can find the closest McDonald’s Restaurant.  How did we ever get along without these cars?  I don’t know, but I’m going to have to keep getting along without them, ‘cause I sure can’t afford them, and I can find McDonald’s by myself, thank you very much.

813.   Do you ever wonder when we are going to run out of original melodies for songs?  Or at least when we are going to run out of melodies with G, C, and D as chords?  They are already recycling melodies at my sons Pre-K school.  Every week he comes home singing a different song to the tune of “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.” . . . Think about it, you’ve learned 3 different tunes as a tad to the ABC song: ABC, Twinkle, Twinkle, and Baa, Baa, Black Sheep.  . . .No, you never wonder that?  Well, I’m making a prediction, I’m saying in 180.95 years.

814.   You’re Lazy with a capital “E.”

815.   My wife’s name is spelled “S-H-E-A-L-Y-N-N.”  The P is silent, and noticeably absent.

816.   I think “Nimrod” is a word that is too frequently underused.

817.   When I drive places in town, I might as well be a passenger, because it’s all the stupid people behind the wheels of the other cars that DRIVE ME CRAZY!!!!!!!!!

818.   I Love to play tennis, and I suck at it, so that always happens to be my score, too.  But it’s still OK, because just like to raise a racquet.

819.   Writing jokes is not a joking matter.  You must take it seriously or people will just laugh at you.

820.   “People” magazine:  it’s like High School for grown-ups (attributed by Kilford)

821.   I laugh at people who read magazines like “People” and “Us;” people who watch programs like “Entertainment Tonight” and “Xtra.”  I guess the general American public needs to live vicariously through the shallow, idiotic, materialistic people they choose to support.  It’s like tracking your stock portfolio; only, you are not earning anything on your investment in celebrities.  You go to their games, you watch their movies, you read their books, you buy their clothes, you sing their songs, blah, blah, blah.   If you don’t want me to LAUGH AT YOU, you must become one of these people and not the people who are interested in them.

822.   One of my favorite bands is “The Cure.”  Listening to their music is like a big Vicadan pill for the troubled soul:  it provides acute, temporary comfort to a chronic, incurable illness.

823.   I’m so tired, I can almost sleep, but not so tired that I can’t.

824.   I’m so bored, you can use me build a piece of wood.

825.   I was very precocious as a child.  When I was 1.9, I really acted like I was terribly 2.1!

826.   I like to say funny things, especially when people are eating; it’s fun to watch mashed potatoes and root beer shoot out of someone’s nose, unless you are sitting across from them, then it’s just gross, but funny to others.  I like people laughing with me, not at me.  This is why I always sit across from librarians.

827.    My wife tells me I’m delusional; that I think I’m funnier than I really am.  That’s OK.  I’ll have the last laugh when I get someone else to play my wife on my sitcom: someone like . . . Lassie!

828.   I don’t know what I’d do without my wife.  I love her to death.  But sometimes she drives me crazy, so instead of getting mad, I just try to love her more and more and more and more, hoping that I really do love her that much.

829.   I don’t know what to say in a situation like this, so I’ll just say, “Skitelbitsemkarft.”

830.   I’m not a good comforter.   If something tragic has happened in you life, you can expect a “there, there” from me.  If you have died, you can guarantee an extra “there.”

831.   Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I always knew the results of your test would come back Pos . . . err (cough) I mean Negative!  Look at that alien over there!!!!!!!!!!!

832.   Writing is easy.  It’s coming up with what to write that is a bit more challenging.

833.   If I ever wrote a book, people would probably be amazed, since the advent of the typewriter and keyboard.  They would probably ask, “Why didn’t you just type it?  That would have been more appropriate.  Then you could have just emailed your editor your manuscript as an attachment.”  True, but how many people can say that they have typed a book?

834.   My favorite band is “Los Lonely Boys.”  Everyone else I introduce them to, which means tape them to a chair while the band plays in the background, says that they will “never give it up” and that the band sucks!!  You know, Willie Nelson is touting them as “His favorite new band.”  I guess that makes me and Willie honorary members of the band.

835.   I’ve said a lot of profound things in my life, and many funny things, but none as profound and funny as the claim I just made.

836.   The girls around here suck.  My wife sees that as a threat.

837.   In 1943, America was preparing for World War II, but my Dad was a Sophomore in High School thinking, “If I can only land that rural farming girl, our son can drive a standard automobile.  Oh the gene pool potential, because the spaceships of the future will have standard transmission, and that girl can drive a tractor.”

838.   I’m a very dizzy fellow.  I guess I shouldn’t spin so fast in my own boots.

839.   Life sucks: if you’re lucky.

840.   Wife-n-someone who tells you what to do, when you want to do otherwise.

841.   When we graph Supply and Demand curves, we measure price on the vertical axis and commodity quantities on the other.  An example of a commodity could be a commode.  It works well as a commodity, but it works better as a toilet.

842.   At my house, we reserve the second-story for the upstairs only.

843.   I don’t care much for polka music;  it’s like crazy, annoying polka music with words I don’t understand.

844.   In mathematics it is impressive to be able to navigate through a long problem and perform all the necessary long and drawn-out computations successfully; however, it is even more impressive if you can find a way to do the problem more efficiency and actually do less complex and lengthy calculations.  Efficiency, after all, is nothing more than intelligent laziness.

845.   My wife and I have a three-year-old son and an 18-month-old daughter who was born about a year and a half ago.

846.   When I went for physical therapy after my knee surgery, I was the only patient there who didn’t like playing dominoes.

847.   My surgery on my knee went so well, I think I am going to have the other done to match, but not just yet.  I figured I wait 100 years or so.

848.   When it comes to enforcing my knee-bending exercises, my wife is very inflexible.

849.   The only thing worse than having to use crutches, is needing them and not having them.  But I have to admit, I rely on them pretty heavily, I use them as a crutch. 

850.  I’m so tired, I could sleep with a horse.

851.  Hurry up and wait your turn.

852.   I scheduled my alarm for 2:17 so that I’d remember when to turn my alarm off.

853.  Student:  Look Mr. Korpi, I have an idea.  Since the schedule this week is all messed up, why don’t we split the assignment up in two.  We can do part today and part tomorrow.  I think this would be a good compromise.  Korpi:  What are you—the Henry Clay of Calculus Class?

854.  Today is the first day after the second day before the next day that comes after the previous day last time.

855.  Please live each day to its fullest.  Another Wednesday won’t come around for another week!

856.  When it comes to teaching Calculus, I’m like Pavlov’s dog.  When I hear the bell to start class, I start salivating.

857.  My wife and my favorite time of day is dusk: when our son goes down.  He is such a dynamo.

858.  SURE we can watch a movie next time in class.  However, I don’t have a VCR, so we will just have to sit around and stare and the cassette tape.  I hope it’s a suspenseful movie!

859.  I love to get up every morning and look at the photos in the local newspaper.  After all, it is the journalistic equivalent of a children’s picture book.

860.  If I was any stronger in will, I might have the power to consider saying “No”—to nuclear arms.

861.  Today after school, I will be giving an AP review.  If no one shows up, I will still give the review, because that’s just the way I am—a man of my word.  Please feel free to walk by, then, and laugh at me through the window.

862.  The old English teacher is having a birthday today.  He is turning 54.  He doesn’t look a day over 58.

863.   Friday was a very sad and disappointing day for me, but the following day was a Saturday.

864.  Yes! you may go to the bathroom, but for God's sake, don't do it here.

865.   I can’t stand sitting down.  If I was forced to, I’d have to take it lying down.

866.  I know each of you is familiar with all of the area formulas from geometry.  If not, I’d like to introduce them to you.  You can call me the “area formula” pimp.  Although, I must admit, I’m a broke pimp.  Because these formulas typically sell themselves.

867.   I went for my pre-op consultation before I had my ACL reconstruction surgery.  The physical therapist asked me what I was unable to do since my accident.  I was honest.  I told him that I could no longer play football in the NFL, hockey in the NHL, basketball in the NBA, baseball in the MLB, and I haven’t been able to win the Nobel Peace prize since I tore my ACL.  He then clarified his question, to which I responded . . . .

868.   I only have one vice, and, like all good vices, it helps me cope with my other vices, such as compulsive lying.

869.   Life sucks, if you’re lucky.

870.   My kids are the joy of my life.  Without them I’d have more money.  I’d have more free time.  I could come and go as I please.  My wife and I could travel more.  I’d get to sleep on more than 2 square inches of mattress, I wouldn’t have to go to restaurants that serve chicken nuggets, I watch programs other than “Sponge Bob Squarepants,” I’d read books other than “Mother Goose,” and I could listen to something on the radio other than “Disney’s Greatest Animated Movie Songs.”  Yep, pure joy.

871.   If you are so concerned with your life in the Real-World, you shouldn’t care how this math stuff is going to help you in the Real-World.  The fact is, it probably won’t.  But! It will help you now.  And, the better you do know, the better chance you have of getting into a good college, which will determine the job you obtain after college, which will determine your quality of life for the rest of your life IN THE REAL WORLD.  So, shut up and learn!

872.   I’m so tired, I could sleep with a horse.

873.   If you approach calculus next year with the same half-heartedness (and pardon the overstatement) that you are now approaching Precalculus, you will fall faster than a feather tied to a 10 thousand pound lead weight.

874.   I’m sorry to say this, but I’m really to blame for y’all’s recent poor performance.  Y’all merely fell to my level of expectation.  I tried to make things easy for y’all, but in doing that, I now realize that I was giving y’all a green light to take it easy.  I’ve been pandering to y’all’s incessant whining. I promise it won’t happen again.

875.   If you don’t learn this stuff, how can you ever expect to forget it?

876.   A lot of you had the correct numbers on the last exam, they were just completely in the wrong order.

877.   I warn you to never split your infinitives with an adverb.

878.   Now that I’ve missed another week due to my knee infection at my surgical sight, we need to start taking our review as seriously as the doctor’s took my knee.  As a result, I’m placing all of you on a Calculus IV once a day until the test.

879.   I have good news and bad news about the upcoming test.  The good news is that there will only be one problem on it.  The bad news is that the problem will be that none of you will no how to do any of the problems on the test.

880.   I’m trying to cut back on my coffee, so now instead of having 12 cups each morning, I only have one cup, but since this proved to be too drastic, I had to then find a cup that was large enough to hold 12.

881.   I had a PIC-line put in at the hospital so I could treat my knee infection intravenously at home for the next six weeks.  Basically, I have this IV hanging out of my bicep that looks like a straw tip and goes straight to my heart.   My son was going toward it the other day with his mouth wide open.  “What are you doing, Tate!”  “I want to blow into your straw, Daddy.”  “Tate, can you say E-M-B-O-L-I-S-M?”

882.   I just can’t get over missing that hurdle.

883.   I hate being sick.  I think it is hazardous to one’s health.

884.   Being voted senior favorite teacher of the year is such a great honor.  I do have to reciprocate the honor by saying that of all the seniors at New Braunfels High School this year, y’all are the best.

885.   The hospital is a funny place.  It’s where one minute feels like one hour, and you can’t really begin to feel better until you’re out of that God-awful place.

886.   The next time I have surgery, I’m going to pay the extra cost to have a STERILE room.  It’s money well-spent.  

887.  Student:  when is all this weather supposed be good.  Korpi: Tomorrow . . . . . . . If you think rain, thunder, mud, wind, and cold are good.

888. Welcome 4^th period . . . . . . I’ve been expecting you.

889.  Hurry, hurry on in to class.  Seats are going fast!

890.  Ouch!!!! That look like it hurt worse than dividing by zero!

891.  This world need more saber-toothed tigers.

892.  It appears that all you need to do to be immortalized on the front of Beer-lover’s T-shirts is to come up with a divine sanctioned quoted condoning the consumption of the frothy ale.  The only competitor is Ben Franklin.  Here’s my contribution.  On the sixth day, God also made beer;  this is the primary reason he did nothing on Sunday.

893.  It’s a sign of our times, and perhaps our self-incrimination, that our 4 year old son knows the meaning of being “voted off” of a television reality show.

894.  Student: How long will the test take today, Mr. Korpi?  Korpi: Well, at least the whole period . . . . or less.

895.  OK, I know we’ve worked a lot of examples today, so this will be the last one. . . before the next one.

896.  Feel free to burn me if effigy over the weekend.  I do this for your own good, although you don’t see it now.

897.  Today as you work on your semester review, think of me as Mr. Radio Shack: you have questions; I have answers.

898.  Because I accidentally made the final exam a little longer than usual, you will unfortunately not be able to finish it.  But the good news is, I will still grade the ones you don't do.

899.  Man, I feel like Santa Claus in a shopping mall around semester review.  This long line of students at my desk waiting to talk to me. The only difference is they have the questions and I sit in their lap . . . just kidding.

900.  Math is the language of the Universe.  This means it is the language of love, too.  So, for Valentine’s Day, I wrote my wife the following poem:

My love for you is like a one-to-one monotonic increasing function.

Together we have passed the Vertical and Horizontal line test.

For each of me, there is always only one of you.

But it’s your Vertical Asymptote that I like the best.

After reading it, you’d have thought I had divided by zero!!

901.  Jimmy Carter Plumbing:  Getting you out of sticky situations Peanut Better than any other nut out there.

902.  My first T-ball practice went great!  Of the ten kids, there was only one kid wasn’t doing what I asked.  He was running around, going to the bathroom, playing on the nearby stacked drainage pipes and playgrounds instead of playing the field like all the other boys and girls.  When we got home after practice, he got in BIG trouble.

903.  Gabriel’s Horn is a paradox:  It’s like a bell of a trombone that extends to infinity, but it holds a finite amount of paint, however, you could never buy enough paint to give the outside a single coat!

904.  Don’t just do something!!! Stand there!

905.  If you liked that last problem, you’ll love this one!  If you didn’t like the last problem, you’ll still love this next one, because you should have liked the last one.

906.  Since we’ve had a quiz every class for the last two weeks, we definitely won’t have a quiz next time in class . . . . . . . . . . . unless it is a pop quiz.

907.  If you forgot to put the “+C” at the end of the problem either take of 5 points or add it there really quickly so that I don’t know you left it off.  Also, it the second case, please also hit yourself violently in the head and yell, “Geeeeesh, I’m stupid.”

908.  I’m giving out free advice Monday through Friday each week and some of you come in here without a container to put it in!

909.  Of course this integration stuff is difficult, lest you become bored and sick of it all!

910.  I have already not said that before.  Now please, don’t make me not say it again!

911.  The other day, I twisted my ankle playing with my kids.  I tripped over a hole that was sticking up out of the ground.

912.  Student:  Korpi, are you going to skip tomorrow and go the soccer game?  Korpi:  Go to the soccer game, I might, but unfortunately, I cannot skip anymore . . . bad knee.

913.  If you're not confused, you haven’t been paying attention.,

914.  I’m right 95% of the time.  I don’t worry about the other six percent.

915.   Oh, Discrete Math!! How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.

916.  OK, if I have ten marbles in a bag, what’s the probability of drawing out a red coin on the first throw?

917.  Anitsesquipedalian is a make believe word that means ‘to be opposed to the use of large, imaginary words.’

918.  Think Five.  High Five.  Five-Alive.  Math Power to all.  Go AP!!  

919.   I mean that it’s not so much the mode as the median.

920.  I think all my jokes are funny.  Funny, weird, though.  Not funny, ha, ha!  Weird, isn’t it?

921.    Let’s just do this example for kicks and giggles.

922.   OK, let’s stay focused and not waste our time engaged in idle discourse . . . hey, where’d you get that shirt?

924.  Ever since my son was severely burned by the hot frying oil, he has a newfound respect for heat.  He is now much, much more careful when playing around volcanoes.

925.  Why was 6 afraid of 7?  Because 7 devoured 9, or something like that, I think it was 9.

926.   In middle school, I played trumpet in the jazz band.  It was a blast!

927.  I may do foolish things, but I do them with enthusiasm.  Enthusiasm is the key.

928.   I don’t want to over generalize, but every teacher in the world who uses this method, uses this very method.

929.  I only do math on days that end in “y,” and every other day in between.

930.  You either get this stuff, or you don’t.  Most of y’all fall into one of these two categories.

931.   For your next test, please learn the material well enough to get an “A,” or learn it just well enough to fake getting an “A” so that I cannot tell the difference.

932.   Boy, if I had a nickel for everytime I heard that, I wouldn’t have enough nickels to rub two of them together.

933.   So, when you tell me you don’t “understand anything,” what specifically do you not understand?

934.   Could you possibly imagine a day without doing math????!!!!  Well then, if only your math skills were as strong as your imaginations, we wouldn’t have a problem.!!

935.   Student:  Mr. Korpi, I didn’t do my homework

    Korpi:  Ha, ha, ha, ha.  That was a good one.  . . . Wait a minute.  What did you say?  For a second there, I thought you said you  did your homework.

936.   This could possibly be my last year teaching.  And when I say “last year,” I mean “December.”

937.   I can guarantee success on the next test if you follow these simple procedures:  Pay attention in class, take good notes, do your homework, and work your review sheet 22 times without any help from me, friends, or notes.  Yep, that should do it.

938.   Guess, what?!  If you only focus on the grade and not the learning, you only get the grade, you don’t get the learning.  The grade only lasts you through the next report card, the learning last at least 3 days longer.

939.   I’m sorry, am I teaching over your head? Well, it would help if you weren’t ducking at everything I said.

940.   Sticks and stones may break my bones, and words will never hurt me, but math just sucks.

941.   Sure, it’s easy for me because I’m the teacher.  Do you think I was born a teacher?  NO!! I had to actually DO the math to learn it, just like you . . . errrr I mean, NOT like . . . well, do you get my point?  Probably not.  The answer is 5.  Next question, good luck in the real world.

942.   Why do I like math so much?  The answer is quite simple, it’s because it is so easy to teach, and it makes teaching so easy.  It is the only subject that practically teaches itself, that everybody understands, people are naturally fired-up about math.  All I have to do is point, and my job is done.  So why do I like math?  Out of selfishness, laziness, economy, and greed.  Why are you in my class?

943.   So converting three feet gives us approximately, no exactly, 36 toes.

944.   Let’s see.  36 + 7.  That’s . . .Ok . . .carry the one, divided by . . .borrowing from the neighbor . . .divided by . . . times . . . taking the log .. . . verifying . . . ok . . . that makes . . . oops, forgot to round . . . ok. . . approximately 43.0000000.

945.   Life sucks, then you walk into math class.  Guess what?!  Get over it!! This is an elective.

946.   I don’t know how to ask you any nicer to “shut the heck up” than to say, “please, shut the heck up, or I will assign math problems until you understand it.”  You certainly don’t want that, do you?

947.   I’ve noticed that as the years roll by, I’m more interested in bread.

948.   As time goes by, I become more jaded, more cynical, more fat, and more old.  I wish I wasn’t so jaded ( and that I could use my comparative adjectives poetically-er).

949.   Did you hear the great news????!!!!! I bet not, since your mathematical confustication has you screaming at the top of your lungs.

950.   I’m doing superbumously great . . . but fear not, I’m getting much better.

951.   Today we are having a pop-quiz.  The question will be “ what is 5 plus itself?”  Many of you will miss this question, not due to your poor math skills, but due to your poor and improper use of the reflexive pronoun.”  Yourself will need your own paperself.

952.   If only you would think!  Think about it!!!!!!!!

953.   The best students I have had, are those who learn in spite of my tremendous pedagogical and didactical eminence and clarity.

954.   It takes a mighty ambitious student to put forth the effort to fail my class.

955.   Without your calculator, you are subjected to the attack of the Saber Tooth Tiger.  Will you survive?

956.   Korpi: “Quickly!  What is two thirds minus four sevenths?   “

   Student:  “four eighths”

   Korpi:  Thank you for honoring the quickly part, however, the Saber Tooth Tiger is at your heels”

957.   You got to use your notes on your quizzes last year?!  Great?  Is there any other way I can inspire you to fail in the real world that you would like me to implement?”

958.   I’m tired.  I am very, very tired.  Teaching math to the unwilling.  Especially when you haven’t slept for three days.  (Darn, that internet!!!)

959.   OK, so in closing: 2 + 2 = 5.   We will have a quiz nextime.  Be careful to pass.

960.   Darn it!!! You can lead a boy to college but you can’t make him think.  You probably don’t get this quotation, which doesn’t surprise me.  But it means “If you want to me or do anything in your life, you  must learn and appreciate math.”

961.   Louis Armstrong once pined, “All music is horse music.  You never heard no horse sing a song.”  While he said this, he also said in reply, “If you have to ask what Jazz music is, you’ll never know.”  So it is with math at the PreAP level:  If you don’t know why you  should (develop the skills and the discipline to) learn this stuff, you’ll never know.  AND, I’ve never heard no horse sing a song.  So, how can you argue with him.  The one person, please, who is still with me, please simulate a trumpet blast.

962.   I hate giving away the answer like this, but if you would only THINK, PLEASE THINK, WIPE AWAY MY TEARS!!”

963.   Sure, math sucks.  In a vacuum, neglecting air resistance.

964.   It is my job to make sure you understand, but I can only meet you 99.999 percent of the way.  You must be willing to come the other .0001 percent.  I hope this doesn’t inconvenience for you.

965.   Sure, I’ll write you a letter of recommendation.  “You simply cannot underestimate this students potential.”  What else should I say?

966.   Sure, you can just buy your grade in this class.  I drive a pretty reasonable bargain.  A dollar per grade up to 100.  If you want a 100 in this class, for $100, I’ll unscrupulously give you a 50.

967.   “Math is an experience.”  Or for you average folk who arbitrarily use the rules of your society and language, “math is a experience.”

968.   I like math.  I like watermelon.  Therefore, math is watermelon (although whole watermelons are much, much easier to swallow.)

969.   The tick of the clock is inversely proportional to your number of views of it, doubly so in a math class.

970.   I hate to quote Roger Miller in class, but: Knuckle down and do it.  Do it. Do it.  Look it up.

971.   It should not be surprising that Math is the great equalizer, for this involves an equation.

972.   5 + 7 = 13.  Ooops.  I didn’t understand my homework.  Can I have an extension on my life?

973.   Learn it or fail . . . in life, I mean.

974.   If this class was spelling, and I was trying to teach you how to spell “dog,” many of you would put “kaat” on the test, which is actually quite clever, but still abhorrently wrong.

975.   Please, please, if you hate me, spite me by learning this stuff.  Take satisfaction that I will abhor your successful life because you were able to become so because you understood mathematics on a high plain.

976.   Pardon my limp today.  I forgot to stretch before working the key to the test you are about to take.  So with that in mind, everybody up.  A one-two. A one-two . . .”

977.   If I had calves like that, I’d join Ag and show them at the fair.

978.   This is y’all’s last chance to be quiet.  My voice is so bad.  I’m not going to get a chance to let it heal until Christmas Break.  Only then can I let it heal by not talking at all for a whole week.  What if my 5 year old son asks me, “Is it true there is no Santa Claus?  Tell me about the Birds and the Bees!!”  Imagine how I’m gonna feel when I can’t answer him!

979.  For this problem, we first have to go out and pick our own flowers before we can go back to the shed to arrange the bouquet.

980.  Like the hungry bird that flies into the window, I'm always willing to make a bad analogy in the name of education.

981.  If only I had something important to say!

982.  Excuse me, I was just lost in thought:  I was eavesdropping on myself and trying to figure out exactly what I meant.

983.  I never make a mistake, and I always lie, including now.

984.  True, tomorrow will always be there, and we are having a test the day after tomorrow.

985.  Welcome to Precal.  I knew you were coming so I saved you a seat.

986.  Ok, we only have 30 minutes left of class and at least 50 minutes left of lecture.  It's a good thing I have lots of practice in speaking faster than you can understand!

987.  OK, here come the part all of you LOVE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . to HATE!

988.  That's it!! I'm done!  I finally give up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on you!!

989.  If I had an apple for every time I heard that, I'd have an entire computer lab.

990.  I'm not one to give you a complex fraction in the denominator . . . . . . . . . I'm above that!  Usually in the numerator.

991.  I'm exhausted!!!!!!!!  I had a dream last night that I was trapped behind a muffler.

992.  I teach math for my own health!!! I also happen to be a masochist

993  I give up?  Exactly how many of your ancestors were bad at math?

994.  Now, Now!! I know it is last period.  I know it's Friday.  And, I know you are in a math class, but PLEASE . . . contain your enthusiasm.  Try to think of it as being last period on a Friday in a NON-math class.

995.  And now, here are a few more examples of some examples.

996.  I'm having a really bad day.  I got up on the wrong side of the couch.

997.  Sometimes I am wont to use words which I haven't a clue as to their meanings, inextricably placing them in an order quite peculiar in a comprehensible string.

998.  I'm glad you think this lesson is so terrific.  The last class thought it to be soporific.

999.  You are consistently inconsistent in your lack of consistency between your work and your conclusions.

1000.  You will only get credit on your test for the use of proper mathematics, not for the use of mathemagic!

1001.  It's easy to get distracted, especially when you're distracted.

1002.  The idea of the limit as x approaches a fixed value is the same as asking yourself how close you can get to Area 51 without getting shot.

1003.  I think I'm safe in saying that, although I am quite honest, History, on the other hand, is a chronological liar.

1004.  I like to steal other people's complements.  It helps my self esteem: (off to the side, one girl to another) "I really like you new haircut and color."  "Thank you, " I said, my wife cut it.  The color is natural.  What do you think of my sneakers?"

1005.  If I were any more boring, I'd be a math teacher . . . . . . .ummmm . . . .ergggggg . . .wait a second there . . . .OHHH MY GOSH!!"

1006.  Of course I will miss all of you when you graduate.  But, I have a cure for the empty feeling . . .  it's called . . . . . . . Summer Vacation.  Somehow, it allows me to forget all about you.

1007.  Thank you for selecting me go be your guest speaker.  As I do in my marriage, I hope to employ strategic incompetence on the occasion.  Like laundrey: I get ALL the colors so beautifully and brilliantly white!

1008.  My goal is total enthusiasm.  Teaching math, I really put myself behind the 8-ball. I never was all that good at Pool, but I still think that I make a noticable "splash!"

1009.  You see, I have no idea why you are laughing right now.  I'm very self conscious.  You could have just delivered the best joke in the world under your breath, but to me, when I hear you giggle, I have the most gigantic booger hanging right out of my nose . . . .and my fly is down . . . and I have that "chalk line" on my butt.

1010.  Math is like a bad girlfriend or boyfriend.  You never really quite figure them out, you only get used to them.

1011.   Once you see the solution, the rest is just details.

1012.   I don’t rely on the outdoor conditions to determine my mood.  I carry my own weather with me wherever I go.  It’s usually sunny, but sometimes its raining volcanic ash.

1013.   OOOOh!!  That was a great answer!!!! ……………….. Uh, now, what did you say again?

1014.   A Calculator doesn’t necessarily have to be an inanimate object, like, an accountant who crunches numbers all day could be called a calculator, just as my wife could be called a dishwasher.

1015.   For your information, I won’t be here tomorrow.   . . . . . . . . . .In fact, I’m going to avoid this particular spot on the floor the rest of the week.  From now on, I’m going to be over there (pointing to a spot three feet away).

1016.   I’ve worked on the same darn problems every year now for six years.  You’d think I have solved them by now.

1018.   Growing up, I was always regarded as a child progeny.

1019.   I know you weren’t talking to me, but I like stealing other people’s compliments, thank you.

1020.   Think of the intermediate value theorem as trying to catch a connecting flight to your destination.  The connecting flight doesn’t have to even by on the way, which is OK if you like to travel.  This is also why the integral from b to b is zero: you haven’t flown anywhere.  That’s a pretty safe trip, never leaving ground.  You could say, “I took a trip to nowhere.  I didn’t move, but I bought this cool T-shirt—it’s blank”

1021.   The fundamental theorem of calculus is so beautiful, I want you to just sit and marvel at it for a while.. . . Very beautiful . . . very beautiful indeed . . . yessir . . . . Suweeeeet . . . ain’t it a sight to behold . . . who’d of thunk it? . . . . I’m gonna cry . . . . I have to sit. . . . discuss it amongst yourselves . . .

1022.   So imagine I ran from here at Thomas’ desk way down there to Davila’s BBQ (3miles away), I’d probably eat when I got there, ‘cause running makes me hungry, and thinking ahead, I’d by something to go since I would be running back, and running makes me hungry.  What would my total displacement be when I got back to Thomas’s desk?  Nothing!!  However, my total distance traveled would be about 6 miles.  To find it from my variable velocity equation, and it would definitely be variable since I would run for a short while, followed by labored crawling, then complete moments of idle recovery, we would have to integrate the absolute value of my velocity equation or graph.  See my point?

1023.   I have only one fashion consideration: Does my outfit match my coffee mug?

1024.   It seems like it was only Wednesday a week ago!?!

1025.  Now where did I put my invisible tape?

1026.  I don’t think I’ve ever done that before the first time.

1027.  If you run into problems on your homework, tell him I said, “Hi!”  We go way back.

1028.  If you run into problems on the homework, be sure to exchange insurance information.

1029.  I only ate a fraction of a whole pie last night, and the fraction was 7pi/4.  Mmmmmmmmmmm delicious.

1030.  Be careful!  Watch your careless mistakes.  2 times 3 hasn’t equaled five since . . . . . . . . NEVER!

1031.  Trying is just not good enough.  You must do whatever it takes to succeed in your endeavors.

1032.  One IS such a lonely member.  Although he is surrounded by infinitely many values infinitely close to him, not a single one wants to stand right next to him.

1033.  There was no need for zero in the caveman days.  They used numbers to count, like rocks.  “One rock; now I have two rocks.”  They never had to say, “Darn, someone stole all my rocks, now I have zero—thank goodness I have Geico Insurance.”

1034.  This problem should only take you 5 seconds to do, and that’s including a 2-second break at the end of the 5 seconds!

1035.  Last period I made up the ugliest, nastiest, most gruesome chain rule problem I’ve ever created.  I was quite proud of my creation, but it soon got out of hand.  Now I know how Dr. Frankenstein felt.

1036.  I just want to say that I wanted to say that.

1037.  Has anyone seen my invisible tape?  . . . Of course not.

1038.  Today, for the last period of BC calculus, I shall prove the existence of big G "God," followed by some interactive songs on Guitar Hero 3.

1039.  I just wanted to say that I will miss ALL of y'all . . . I promise not to let my wife drive if you are pedestrians.

1040.  So if your official name is "Wan Ting Tsai," you can never be Buddhist, unless you change your last name to "Nothing."

1041.  Please muster the inner strength to go on without me.

1042.  I'm not assigning the summer packet this year.  I figured I'd let you all enjoy your first day of school getting all your forms signed instead of meeting at Starbucks to copy Daniel's summer packet.944.   

1043.  Now THAT’s what I call being “fashionably late!”—after student walks into class 15 minutes late wearing a suit and tie

1044.  Have a great weekend!—Monday after first period class

1045.  Pay attention.  I’ll keep you on your toes . . . . at your desk.  Pointed toes! Pointed toes!

1046.  So using the “dyslexic Zorro” rule for integration by parts, we easily achieve the correct answer.  “You Thank, Zorro!”

1047.  You should try eating barbacoa before a big test.  I hear it’s good brain food.

1048.  For this next problem, we’ll use sine of x, an old friend of mine.  We actually went to high school together.  He was in my trigonometry class.

1049.  I was in the bathroom at Wendy’s the other day and I saw this sign.  I waited and waited and waited, but no employee ever came, so I washed my hands myself.—Korpi

1050.  So what do we do if we want to find the perimeter of this slice of pizza but we don’t know the arc length along the crust???  Well, I guess we could just eat it and make the problem go away.

1051.  So go ahead now and take the sine of your stored angle.  You should get “blaaaaaaah.”  Now type in the exact value we previously found.  You should get the exact same “blaaaaaaaaah.”  Now try it for cosine.  You might not get “blaaaaaaaaah,” but maybe “bluuuuuuuugh.”

1052.  Please either actually DO the warm-up or PRETEND to do it so that I don’t know the difference.  Whether you’re practicing you MATH or your ACTING, at least you’ll be practicing something.

1053.  The secret to happiness it to let the cardinality of the set of all your good days be greater than the cardinality of the set of all your bad days.—Korpi

1054.  So back in the day, when they were naming the trig ratios, someone suggested “Bob” for the vertical to the hypotenuse ratio.  “No, No, that won’t do,” was the reply.  “It’s not confusing enough.  We need something like ‘sign’ but spelled differently, like ‘sine,’ yes that’ll do.”  Someone then suggested “cosine” for the horizontal to the hypotenuse ratio.  It was accepted without much fanfare.  For the vertical to horizontal ratio, a clever lad suggested the pattern continue with “cocosine!”  That’ll never do, it’s starting to make too much sense.  “Hey, I once say a man sunbathing in England once!” suggested another, and so the ration became known as “tangent.”

1055.  “Wow, that’s a change.  People are usually running AWAY from the math wing, not towards it” (as the basketball team, doing exercise indoors on a cold day, ran by)

1056.  Be sure to draw you triangular triangles when drawing your reference triangles.

1057.  Oh, that’s when I is was filled with unbridled enthusiasm and fervor while sketching an exponential growth function (explaining the long, red smudge on the wall above the dry-erase board)

1058.  Let me turn up the television so that we can all hear the moment of silence.

1059.  When I say "exact answer," no I don’t mean "rounded to three decimals," nor do I mean "rounded to 1 million decimal places."  I simply mean “the square root of 3 thirds!”

1060.  You should always, always avoid intermediate rounding errors, unless, of course, it’s specified in the instructions.

1061.  I’m sorry to inform you that the number of questions on the multiple choice section of the exam has increased from 12 to 17.  I just couldn’t find any possible way to eliminate such great questions.  I think you’ll be pleased with the selection.  No need to thank me.  I’m just doing my job.

1062.  Korpi: “Someone give me a number.” Students: “4!” “58!”  Korpi: “31 it is then.  Just call me the Henry Clay of mathematics.”

1063.  I spent several hours grading y’all’s test corrections, and from how many of them were still so horribly INCORRECT, I think many of y’all misunderstood me when I said, “I’ll let you turn IN CORRECTIONS.”

1064.  For the problem involving the angles of elevation, assume you took the reading with your homemade sextant that was attached to your FEET on the ground and NOT from eye level.  Also neglect the curvature of the Earth’s surface.

1065.  So notice that as the numerators and denominators grow increasingly large, the “+ 1” in the denominator becomes increasingly insignificant and the explanation becomes additionally alliterative.

1066.  The answer to today’s puzzle has hints to the answer within the question itself, so in a way, it’s like a “Jeopardy” question, except on “Jeopardy,” hints to the questions to the answers are contained within the answers.

1067.  I told a joke to 3^rd period yesterday, and so few people laughed that it wasn’t even funny.

1068.  The cosine function has y-axis symmetry, so it would make a cool-looking mustache, no more that a full cycle in either direction, any more than that, and it just starts looking a little weird, but nowhere as weird as any part of sine function mustache.

1069.  Student: What’s your second favorite number?  Korpi: I really don’t have a second favorite number, but my favorite number is, hands down, 13.  So I guess, if I’m allowed to, I’d pick it again for my second favorite number, so I guess two 13s make either 26 or 169 or another number, depending on how you combine them, so I guess my favorite number is still just 13.

1070.    . . . so you see, cosine squared plus sine squared, which equals one, also must equal secant squared minus tangent squared, which also equals one.  So if you had two different mathletes at a math competition one who had a jersey number of “cosine squared plus sine squared” and the other with a jersey number of “secant squared minus tangent squared,” the math judge would be like, “Hey, we’ve got problem here!  We can’t have two “Number Ones.”  By the way, if that scenario takes place at any other competition, the joke doesn’t work.”

1071.  Korpi:  “Mr. P.  Could you give me the cofunction of cosine?”  Student: “ah . . . . . .”  Korpi:  “Was that with one ‘h’ or two ‘h’s??  I know it would have been 4 ‘h’s if the bell had rung as I asked the question.”

1072.  When doing a trig proof, start on the side with more information, the side that looks more complicated.  Remember it’s much easier to tear down a house than to build one.  To tear one down, all you need is a giant sledgehammer and sufficiently large muscles and endurance to boot . . .  but try building a house with just a giant sledgehammer . . . .

1073.  On your trig identity quiz, don’t forget your “Xs,” like don’t just write “sin.” Be sure to write “sin x.”  If you forget your “Xs,” I’ll add my own, as in “It’s wrong!”

1074.  The best thing about the ambiguous case is that there could be TWO triangle solutions.  In tough economic times like these, I think we can all appreciate the real value of a two-for-one deal like that.

1075.  I don’t know if they’re going to call out time left during the AP exams.  Some people don’t like that.  It makes them nervous and jittery.  Some people like it, ‘cause they’re like, “cool, I’ve got 10 minutes left to sleep.”

1076.  The TAKS test shouldn’t be so taxing.  In fact, it’s not.  Understanding the US tax code, now THAT’s taxing.

1077.  Benjamin Disraeli once said, “there are 3 types of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.”  He then followed up with, “there are 3 types of fun: Fun, WoooooHooooo Fun, and Calculus.”  A much better endorsement.

1078.  This is NOT an ideal society, so we can’t assume all nutritionists are food experts any more than we can assume that all teachers are educational experts.

1079.  How do I justify that this is not an ideal world, simple: Did you have calculus class all day long today?

1080.  Some of you are looking at that problem and saying to yourself, “Why wake a sleeping dragon?” Others are looking at Wade and saying to yourself, “Why wake a sleeping student.”  I’m sure Wade is dreaming of slaying dragons.  Let’s not wake him.

1081.  You can show your intelligence by using bigger words, but shouting does not make your words bigger.

1082.  Show up to the event.  Admission is free, which doesn’t make any “cents,” especially for the people charging admission.

1083.  “Wait, wait.  Before I can let anyone have two, I need to make sure everybody has one.”—After offering, with no takers, a copy of the latest school newspaper.

1084.  Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.  No reasonable request is too unreasonable.

1085.  Korpi:  “So there’s no correction of a scalar multiple on this integral, right?”  Student:  “R-i-i-o-o-u-u-u-u-g-g-h-t” (yawning).  Korpi:  Man, what a dedicated student, participating right through a yawn.  I don’t know whether to be impressed or insulted.

1086.  Is there any shame in retiring at age 35 from teaching and becoming my wife’s “kept man” if it means I don’t have to attend any more in-services?

1087.  If you’re wearing sunglasses in my class, I’ll assume it’s because I’m so bright.

1088.  That’s it, it’s time to turn in y’all’s quizzes.  If I gave you any more time on it, that would start cutting into the free time I’m going to give you after the quiz.

1089.  Time’s up on the quiz.  If you don’t have it done by now, you’re not going to get it.  Turning them now will save many of you from doodling uncomfortably.

1090.  When I was a boy, Christmas came just once a year.

1091.  mmmmmm, I love pumpkin bread almost as much as I love breaded pumpkins.

1092.  Watching an unprepared student take a math test is about as exciting as watching a drunken man take a sobriety test.

1093.  If we slice the region horizontally, then we no longer integrate from  x equal left to x equals right, but rather from y equals low to y equals HELlo . . . . or “Hi!”

1094.  Why did I write the same problem two times in a row?  Am I going crazy?  Am I going crazy?  Absolutely not . . . I’ve always been crazy.

1095.  Did y’all know that Karl Marx, one of the founders of Communism, did Integral Calculus and Trigonometric proofs as a form of recreation?!  He and I are a lot alike, I practice communism in my spare time.

1096.  Some people are funny because they genuinely are.  Others are funny because they think they are.

1097.  Some things go without saying, like, “Free Dog . . . to a good home.”

1098.  Any person that can’t distinguish between Coke and a book . . . has got to have a REEEALY large nose.

1099.  If e is a critical value, do we need to consider what’s happening on either side e . . . like at d and f ????

1100.  When stating a domain, if an x-value is already excluded because of the inequality from the radicand, there’s no need to exclude it again if it causes division by zero.  There really is no need to state the same thing twice.  There really is no need to state the same thing twice.  It’s like telling me, “Mr. Korpi . . . I really don’t like carrots . . . . . . . . . and I don’t like carrots either.”

1101.  There will be at least one question on the exam that will separate the mice from the elephants.

1102.  But on the AP exam, the answer will either be in (lunch bell rings) lunch!

1103.  That is bizarre?! (lunch bell rings) . . . lunch!

1104.  f inverse prime of b equals (lunch bell rings) . . . lunch!

1105.  It’s always a good thing to (lunch bell rings) . . . go to lunch!

1106.  Let’s look at the calculator (lunch bell rings) . . . after lunch!

1107.  (lunch bell rings) Lunch! Sweet derivative.

1108.  so we have a relative maximum at (lunch bell rings) . . . lunch!

1109.  there’s a point called (2, (lunch bell rings) Lunch!)

1110.  let’s see if I can get this problem in before (lunch bell rings) . . . lunch!

1111.  do we have a relative max?  NO.  Do we have (lunch bell rings) . . . lunch?! Yes!

1112.  now it’s time for team endpoint (lunch bell rings) . . . we’ll get to them after lunch!

1113.  . . . over here is (lunch bell rings) . . . lunch!

1114.  . . . and then we plug it into (lunch bell rings) . . . lunch!

1115.  . . . and the distance is (lunch bell rings) . . . lunch!

1116.  can I do (lunch bell rings) . . . lunch?!

1117.  once you define related rates, you (lunch bell rings) . . . go to lunch!

1118.  3 times (lunch bell rings) times negative 7/8 equals . . . lunch!

1119.  (lunch bell rings)  Really?! Lunch!  Already?!

1120.  . . . always ready to go with a possible (lunch bell rings) . . . lunch!

1121.  And over here we have a (lunch bell rings) maximum.  Sorry to use an expletive right before lunch.

1122.  Calculators lie and graphs can be misleading.

1123.  The closer y’all stand to the door, the longer it will take for the bell to ring.

1124.  you may call dy/dx y prime if you want, just don’t come to it later on in the problem and say “hey, y to the first, why, that’s just y.”

1125.  Are there any questions on the homework y’all didn’t do?  From what I’m hearing from your 1^st period teachers, I should either rename it “Spanish Class before Math Class” work, or you can start calling your 1^st period classroom, “Casa!”

1126.  Korpi: “Bless you.”  Student: “That was a cough, not a sneeze.”  Korpi: “Bless you anyway.  Benedictions for all today.”

1127.  If I let you work through announcements today, you have to promise me to pledge on your own sometime time today.  You might have to give someone a belated birthday greeting too.  That’s the price you pay for extra time on the test.

1128.  Well done on that fire drill everyone.  I’m glad everyone is safe and stayed calm.  If your performance here today is any indication, I’m expecting great things from y’all on next month’s bus evacuation drill.

1129.  I have to say something about recycling paper in here.  First, don’t crumple up your paper.  Lay it flat, it costs the recyclers hundreds of dollars a week to pay a guy at the recycling plant to uncrumple all the papers.  Second, let’s all agree that used, snotty Kleenexes are NOT suitable for recycling, regardless of how uncrumpled they may be.

1130.  I’m not saying that number 14 on the practice test is special or anything, but I will say that I personally know the guy who makes the tests, and 14 is his favorite number this week.

1131.  Sure I’ll right you a letter of recommendation . . . should I address it “Dear parole officer” or just “to whom it may concern?”

1132.  Remember the test tomorrow will be no calculator and no smoking.

1133.  Now that we’ve rewritten the function, it’s time to B.O.T.C. . . . Bust Out The Calculus.

1134.  Remember that I don’t dismiss you, the bell does.

1135.  Not all who are alone are lonely, not all who wander are lost, and not every even degree polynomial is even.

1136.  You’ll know if you graph your logistic equation correctly on your calculator, ‘cause you get to see that really nice “S” curve.  (Pressing “graph” on the calculator) . . . Show me that “S!”

1137.  Wow!  Those are some very impressive boots you’re wearing.  I’ll have to remind myself to stay on your good side today.

1138.  We’re going to have our last Unit Circle quiz today.  (Cheers from the class)  I promise I won’t make you take another Unit Circle quiz today after this one.  We’ll also have only one tomorrow!  You should study the English language more before you cheer so emphatically.

1139.  The graph of cosine would make a pretty good-looking mustache.  The graph of sine . . . not so much . . . but I’d still wear it, but only from negative pi to pi.

1140.  Zig Ziglar, the great motivational speaker once said, “Your Attitude, more than your Aptitude, will determine your Altitude”  . . . and we all want to get high here in calculus.

1141.  As you know, e, the famous irrational number was discovered by the Great Swiss mathematician Leonard . . . . . . . . (Rachael) “Skynrd!”

1142.  Let me know if this question is true or false.  Also ask me that the previous statement was not a question.  The answer is “B.”

1143.  When it says “coordinate,” “co” means . . . what?  “Co” means, two, as in, “The two surgeons, COOPERATED during the appendectomy.

1144.  That reminds me.  Did anyone here see “Grey’s Anatomy” last night on your local ABC affiliate?  No!? not a single person.  You mean to tell me that not a single other person in this high school calculus class has a wife that makes them watch it?!

1145.  The function e to the x has a discontinuity . . . . yes or no?  Is the horizontal asymptote a discontinuity??  NO!  It’s like a river that the graph runs along the side of the entire time, never causing a disruption in the graph, until one day the graphs says, “see you later Mr. River, I’ve got to go to infinitEEEEEE.”  I’ll try to write.

1146.  Here’s a great question for you: give me an example of a monotonic function that isn’t one to one. True or False.  Explain your answer in a persuasive essay. . . . . . . The answer is “choice C,” you should always choose “C.”

1147.  Korpi: I hope everyone had a great weekend.  Student: The weekend actually seemed kind of long.  Korpi: I know how you feel.  When I’m not in a math classroom having fun, time seems to stand still.  What we need in this world is more Mondays and Tuesdays and fewer Saturdays and Sundays.  Student: Yes sir, I agree, but I spent the weekend in the hospital.  My father was admitted.  Korpi:  We must get your father to this classroom immediately to expedite his recovery!!

1148.  The successful precal student, at the end of the course should know his asymptote from a hole in his graph!

1149.  Student:  Mr. Korpi, you won’t be mad at me if I don’t pass the AP calculus exam, will you??  Korpi:  Of course not.   I don’t necessarily associate anger with extreme, incurable, debilitating  disappointment.

1150.  (On Monday, October 3, 2011.  The first day of the second six weeks.)  Happy Monday.  Happy October.  Happy New Six Weeks.  The first day of a new week.  The first day of a new month.  The first day of a new six weeks.  The first day of a new attitude in math class.  Starting today, precal will not dominate YOU, YOU will dominate precal!!  It’s take no prisoners . . . . . . .If you fail today’s quiz, tomorrow’s a new day too!

1151.  Voilá! In view, the varsity veterans, full of vim, vigor, and vitality, on the verge of a valiant venture.  With vapid velocity, you voluntarily visit your vulnerable victims, with a virulent vibe and a voluminous voracity for vengeance and vindication.  Your vis-à-vis valuation of your villains will vilify you and leave them with a vitreous visage and vague visions of vacuous voids.  So, Vamoose on your voyage, valorous vagabonds! I venture to vehemently voice, with vitamin V, that tonight, victory is verily yours.

1152.  “Where do you buy your bow ties?”  “At Nordstrom’s.  They have great bow ties there . . . and big shoes.  Big shoes fit my feet much better than little shoes, and Nordstrom’s got ‘em.”

1153.  Now, what do we say when we get to an expression that’s equal to zero?????  We say, “Awww, F it!!” And I don’t mean we throw up our hands with disgust and walk away.  On the contrary, we celebrate joyfully because we get to “Factor it.”

1154.  “I don’t like synthetically dividing with imaginary roots.  I get my ‘i’s’ all messed up.”  “Not as bad as you would if were synthetically dividing imaginary roots while STARING AT THE SUN!”

1155.  Student: “I was going to ask you a math question, but I forgot what it was.”  Korpi: “Wait until we get there in class to remember to ask it, then wait to ask it, ‘cause I’ll probably answer it before you remember what you forgot to ask.”

1156.  That was kind of fun? Wasn’t it?  Come on, class. You’ve got to admit it was a little fun, a tiny bit fun, or no fun at all.  I don’t care what you say, as long as it’s got the word “fun” in it.

1157.  Remember, I don’t ever expect you to LIKE the math, I only expect you to be GOOD at it.

1158.  Student: “I don’t have my entire Brag Sheet filled out for you.  I only filled out the first page.  Can you still write me the letter of recommendation?”  Korpi: “No problem, which half of the letter do you want me to write?”

1159.  I have two large female dogs at home who often get into it with each other, and when they do, man, is it ONE BIG CAT FIGHT!

1160.  Why are duck feathers called “down?”  And why are sheep feathers called “wool?”  . . . Come to think of it, elephant feathers could use some ironing . . . . which brings up the obvious question, “What’s the difference between a duck and an elephant? . . . aside from the fact the whole “toenail” thing? . . . . . . I think it’s because “you can get down from a duck” . . . . or  . . . “you can’t get down from an elephant” . . . . or “you can’t get down from a sheep????”  . . . . Anyway . . . .

1161.  Today, we’re spelling evry thing funeticly.  Today’s date is “Wensday, Febuary Aith.”

1162.  Why is there an extra “r” in February anyway?  I think it’s because it’s awkward to say “Febru-Ay.”  Seriously, though, I think it comes from the Latin word “Februum,” meaning . . . . I don’t know . . . but you know, when they made the months, they just added “ary” to the end of all the Latin, Greek, and Sanscrit words, you know, like “Janu-ary, Febru-ary, Octob-uary.”

1163.  If we treat this variable as a constant, when we’re done, we can again treat the constant as a variable again.

1164.  Of course, “x” can be “y,” since “x” is a variable, and can vary.

1165.  So the person who is building with equilateral triangle cross sections on this slab will enjoy the spaciousness of the interior, but will have a hard time vacuuming in the corners.  The guy who builds on the slab with rectangular cross sections of a constant height will have no problem vacuuming in the corners, but might complain about the roof leaks.

1166.  I’m planning a backpacking trip for the summer.  I plan on traveling very light on account of my bad back, bad knees, and my hatred of having heavy things draped to my back.  “Where am I going?”, you ask.  Well, I’m planning a backpacking trip to CostCo . . . . or Sam’s Club.  I haven’t decided yet.

1167.  Good morning, everyone.  Today’s “Groundhog Day,” but enough about the cafeteria menu.  By the way, Puxatoney Phil saw his shadow, which means 6 more weeks of this fierce, unbearable Texas Winter.  In other news around the nation, 5 other groundhogs in “other” Groundhog Day ceremonies did NOT see their shadow, which means that you can find “Groundhog Day” decorations at more places than just at the local Wal-Mart in Puxatoney, Pennsylvania and in my house.

1168.  I put the “k” in “kwality.”

1169.  Most of what I tell you is true.

1170.  Some people wouldn’t volunteer to do something if you paid them to do it.  In related news, Mexico City is looking for volunteers to unclog their underground sewers.  Must be SCUBA certified; be up to date on shots, and willing to drown in human waste.

1171.  If I was to impart any advice to you, I would say, “Do your homework,” and, “Don’t ever stand under an anvil tree.”

1172.  Of course what I say doesn’t make sense at first take.  I’m your teacher!  I HAVE to be an unsolved mystery rather than a foregone conclusion.  Your education is in your solving the mystery. 

1173.  I went 26.2 miles on an elliptical machine yesterday . . . When we got to my friend’s house, he came out of his truck’s cab and help me unload that thing.  He was thankful that I sat on it, so it wouldn’t blow out of the bed of his truck.

1174.  I really think I need to sub out my teaching to someone else.  I have NO idea what I’m talking about . . . and I’m charging myself a lot more than I can afford.

1175.  Happy Monday, and Happy April 2.  The first day of the school week but the second day of the month.  I hope everyone knows the difference between weeks and months.

1176.  I had to get a new clock for the front of my room (a math clock) since everyone in class always stared at the old clock on the far wall.  They would look at it more than they’d look at me.  At least now when they’re wondering when the class will end, they’re looking at the front of the room in the direction of math instruction, and they have to do a bit of math to figure it out.

1177.  We have just one more example to go until there’s only two more examples to go.

1178.  I’ll try to explain this in a way that you can understand.  If it works, will you please explain it to me??

1179.  If you don’t think you can understand it, at least get used to doing it.

1180.  When I took calculus in high school, I had no idea what I was doing.  I pushed numbers and symbols around on the page hoping they would fall into the right configuration.  I knew the general direction in which I had to push, but I could never calculate exact angle.

1181.  Tonight we’re auctioning off a parking space in the front of school.  The parking space is valid for the entire 2012-2013 school year, including weekends and holidays.

1182.  Will someone please try to remember what I said.  I’m having a difficult enough time trying to say it.

1183.  If you don’t want to do the work you’re supposed to do, then do it against your will.  You’ll be reimbursed at the end of the period or never, whichever comes second.

1184.  You MAY use your calculator on this quiz only if you use it as a straightedge.

1185.  OK, let’s grade the quizzes.  Switch papers with someone who is not you, unless you’re and identical twin, then switch with someone who is still not you.

1186.  Thank goodness this is the last period of the day . . . . . . for me.  I’m exhausted.  I’d hate to be y’all with another period to go.  At least it’s not a math class!

1187.  Tomorrow’s a FREE DAY, after the instant coupon and mail-in rebate.

1188.  Perhaps after the AP exam, we can play “Math Charades.”  I call dibs on x cubed!

1189.  I really don’t know where you’d use this outside this class, but if you want to make it outside this class you’d better know how to do it.

1190.  The ambitious math student spent all his time making a homemade transit and no energy left over picking an interesting problem in which to use it.

1191.  Pace yourself . . . it’s a marathon sprint!

1192.  If you don’t know how to do it, and you ask me how to do it, how would you know if the way I told you how to do it was the correct way to do it?  It would be better if you learned how to do it before you asked me so you’ll know if I was lying to you or not!

1193.  Hey, if we don’t warm up today, we don’t have to cool down.  Who’s for living their life at room temperature??  Show me by not lifting your hand???  Ya!  You are the people who are too lazy to get up and change the thermostat, if you still have electricity on you house, if you even live in a house . . . get out of my yard . . . and take you newspapers with you!

1194.  We are encouraged in today's age not to give homework.  I conveniently and pragmatically ignore this rule, of course.  Imagine if we sent our citizens to the Olympics, but only those who HAVEN'T practiced!!!  We'd get the Gold for "Last Place."

1195.  I wish today was Sunday instead of Friday, not that I don’t want y’all here, and not that I come up to school on the weekend, it’s just that . . . that . . . I’m going to miss everyone over the weekend.  If you believe that, you’ll believe zero factorial equals one factorial . . .

1196.  I’m offering a special deal for today’s test—if you’d like to take it in a group, you’re more than welcome to.  Be sure to save enough time to decide how to split the points before the bell rings.

1197.  Sure I’m the man in my house, if my wife is away on a business trip . . . and my daughter is spending the night at a friend’s house.  Heck ya!  I’m in charge!

1198.  My wife is pretty unflappable.  In makes me feel very special that I’m one of the few things that make her flap.  It’s a gift.

1199.  Did you know that people were afraid of zero, until the Mayans had the courage to invent it.  Which makes me want to say the same thing to them as the living humans they routinely sacrificed: thanks for NOTHING!

1200.  Dang!  I’m all out of Skittles.  I guess I’m going to have to munch on some more math problems for energy.

1201.  Aside from doing it for you, there’s nothing I can do.

1202.  Alright, everyone!  I want to hear you scream!!  Give me a “d.”  Give me a “u.”  Give me an “m.”   Give me a silent “b.” . . . .Ya’ll really messed up that last one.  How dumb are ya’ll that you can’t follow directions?

1203.  I’m logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, impractically selfish, fragilely confident, but legally ... impeccable!

1204.  You go ahead and think about it some more.  I’ll keep teaching the rest of the class.  When you think you have a good idea of what you actually want to ask, let me know.  We’ll stop and give you our undivided attention.

1205.  Okay, okay.  So you don’t agree with the correct answer.  We can decide this democratically.  Let’s vote on it.  That’s how math works, right?

1206.  That sounds reasonable, but I’d never use it as a defense.

1207.  Last year, at the mathematics convention, I suffered the unfortunate fate of having my root extracted.  Luckily, I was able to call upon a higher power.

1208.  Student:  Can I ask something real quick?  Korpi: Of course, but hurry.  Student:  In that second line, why did you . . . Korpi: Times up!!

1209.  Student: Can I ask something real quick?  Korpi: Of course.  Student: Why did you divide by three in line two?  Korpi:  You asked that question at a very normal tempo!

1210.  Student: Can I ask something real quick?  Korpi:  NO!  really quickly, though, you may.  Student: Never mind.

1211.  We all know you have to learn to walk before you can crawl on all fours and beg for leniency.

1212.  Korpi to Woodworking Applicant:  Here, cut me this board pi feet long.  Applicant: But sir, I cannot.  Korpi: You’re hired!

1213.  If only February had 71 days in it, loser nerds could celebrate “e day” like they celebrate pi day on March 14.  Here, would you sign my petition to officially make the year 408 days longer??

1214.  Leave me alone . . . I can handle this . . . OK, where’s the handle?

1215.  The limit as two approaches three of two plus two is six.

1216.  When I tell you that 0! = 1!, you’d be tempted to incredulously add a few more exclamation points to the equation.

1217.  We’ve taken the exclamation point in math to mean “factorial.”  I think we need to adopt the question mark in the math community to mean “What the heck?”.  Perhaps the combo of #@* can mean “Forget you, stupid math teacher, why do I need to even know this stuff?  I’m happy eating Ramen every night . . . “

1218.  Don’t so much listen to the words I speak, but rather what I’m actually saying instead.

1219.  Because it’s a constant rate, we don’t calculus to do it, but we can certainly Bust Out The “Good Stuff” and use calculus on it.  Just because we’re in the park eating hot dogs doesn’t mean we can eat them on the fine China we brought from home.  It’s fun to drink Kool-Aid out of a Waterford Crystal wine glass, especially if it’s “Tropical Punch” flavored. 

1220.  On the AP exam, if you’re excited about your answer, DON’T punctuate it with and exclamation point . . . . unless the answer is 1 or 2, then pride yourself in your double entendre, and celebrate by adding, not just an exclamation point but a zero or a one exclamation point.

1221.  Student to Korpi as he starts teaching immediately at the start of the bell:  Dude, where’s the fire.  Korpi:  Hopefully in your heart, and I’m not wishing you indigestion, but if you don’t have it in your heart, sit down and I’ll light one under your feet.

1222.  The bell will ring in 3 – 2 – RING – 1, dang!  I’ve never been good at counting.

1223.  If I’m wrong on this, I’ll give everyone Saturday off.  . . . Okay, it is MY belief that Saturday is a regular school day! . . . Dang, ya’ll win.  I’m wrong.  I’ll honor my word.  Now let’s get to work an make the most of Monday through Friday.

1224.  Remember, this Friday is the Spring Pep Rally, which is when we acknowledge ALL the spring sports like individual tennis, individual wrestling, individual soccer, team baseball, team soccer, individual track, team track, individual Easter Egg hunting, and of course, group Easter Egg hunting.

1225.  This Friday is the annual Spring Pep Rally.  You won’t want to miss it!  The cheerleaders are working on a cheer called “Yay! Go Jumping Bunnies!”

1226.  I would advise you NOT to always guess “C” on a multiple choice question if you’re not sure what the correct answer is.  The correct answer is not always “C.”  If the correct answer is actually “B,” then I would encourage you to guess “B,” . . . unless the answer is “C.”

1227.  Never leave a free-response question blank.  You CAN’T go wrong . . . unless you’re not right.  Remember, you never have a chance to eat your own words if you never open your mouth! . . . Which is why you should add “cake” or “cheese enchiladas with onions” to the end of everything you say cheese enchiladas with onions.

1228.  I don’t think I’d do that, unless there was no other option, in which case, I’d make you do it.

1229.  I wish I knew the guy who’s assigning y’all this homework.  It sure is a chore for me to grade!

1230.  Don’t chew with your mouth open.  Don’t run with scissors.  Don’t sit too close to the television.  Don’t throw rocks at people’s faces.  Don’t take the square root of a sum and call it the sum of the square roots.   It sure was tough growing up with such a strict father.

1231.  These are hard times, people.  I had to subtract 16 from 53 yesterday, and the five wouldn’t spare a dime to the three!

1232.  In hard economic times like these, it won’t be long until the Federal Government begins subsidizing the process of subtraction.

1233.  When it comes to jokes, I’m all about quantity over quality . . . and vague, broad definitions of words.

1234.  Student: Tomorrow’s a free day, right?  Korpi:  Dude!  You need to work on you punchlines . . . and delivery.

1235.  I’m not really here today, but I AM.  If you say you saw me, I’ll deny it and say I had my eyes closed.

1236.  Teaching when you’re awaiting a scheduled Fire Drill is like a student waiting for a teacher to grade his test when he knows he’s going to fail:  He needs to focus on the future, but he knows the ear-piercing flagellation can come at any moment.

1237.  Do you send a “Tweet” or do you send a “Twitter” or do you send a “Twit” or are you just a “Twit.”  It doesn’t matter.  Why don’t you “Tweeter” about it.

1238.  Don’t take anything at face value, unless you are looking at someone’s face.

1239.  Don’t take any wooden nickels, unless that happens to be the form of currency you find yourself in.  Then, take a lot of them.  Chop down trees if you have to.

1240.  I don’t have freckles, but if I did, they’d be spotted.

1241.  An even function you thought was odd only makes it peculiar, but not odd.

1242.  You’ve got to be smart to play dumb, but you can’t be dumb and play smart . . . it’s a role reserved for those with prominent chins or erratic hair.

1243.  It looks like the right side of the room is gone today.  Must be band UIL day.  To honor those of you on the left side of the room who are NOT in band, I will do all my notes today left-handed, and to give you an appreciation of band, I will recite all my notes through a kazoo.

1244.  The AP review may be so packed, that we might have to limit the attendance to TWO to a lap.

1245.  I know what you’re thinking about me: “I probably won an Olympic medals at the 1952 Finnish games.” But I’m here to tell you that I’m flattered, but bad jokes isn’t an Olympic sports, and I wasn’t even alive in 1952 . . . I wasn’t even dead.  But thank you to all of you who weren’t thinking that.

1246.  That last joke I made wasn’t even funny.  In fact, it wasn’t even a joke.  Let’s call it an awkward statement. . . moving on then . . .

1247.  Hey!  Where did everybody go?  Oh, wait.  I got all turned around . . . there y’all are.

1248.  Some people are mean to students naturally.  I have to work hard at it  . . . grrrrrrrrrrrr.  How’d I do?

1249.  Today is senior “skip” day, but I’ve seen so few seniors today, and those I saw certainly  weren't “skipping” down the hall like I expected.  What’s up with that?!

1250.  Today is senior skip day, but I wonder how they can skip without tripping over their walker or cane?

1251.  Today is senior skip day, and I see many unskilled juniors absent among you.  I guess they felt they needed to practice for next year.  If only they felt the need to practice before their upcoming math tests!

1252.  I don’t want to see y’all again until you open your eyes!

1253.  (to senior class on senior skip day) I threatened y’all yesterday to show up today on senior skip day that I feel compelled to actually teach to those of you who are actually here so as to make your trip today worthwhile.  Thanks for coming, free 100s for everyone who’s here today . . . now let’s watch some movies.

1254.  The terminable task of taking the TAKS test is torturous and taxing, though tacitly tolerable.  The STAAR will taxingly take the TAKS' target for the taking up of taxpayer's tax dollars. Tomorrow's the Test. A Toast to its timely terminus.  Here's to the timed STAAR and its tirade of tyranny for tykes to teenagers together!

1255.  I accept late assignments on only two conditions: they are either on time, or they are late, whichever comes first.

1256.  Damn, that was awesome . . . I by “damn” I mean “concrete wall holding back a river” . . . please don’t tell your parents I used such profanity!

1257.  Thanks for everyone for staying late (spoken as the dismissal bell rings and everyone gets up to go)

1258.  Thanks for everyone for coming early.  We’ll get started right away (as two students from across the hall enter class immediately after the dismissal bell).

1259.  I want to thank everyone for either being here or not being here today.

1260.  If you’re not here today, don’t raise your hand.  I’d hate for you to have to make the effort in choosing to to come to class, then having to ask you to do something else on top of that.

1261.  The only way you won’t get this question correct on the exam is if you’re sleeping here today in class.  Those who are absent today will even get this right, unless they missed class because they are sleeping.

1262.  If you’re going to sleep in my class, please sleep in the class before mine, too.  Because my janitor is new, and he doesn’t know to wipe down the desks at the end of the day, let alone, after you’ve slobbered on them.

1263.  I love math AND climbing mountains, but I can be redundant, and I can digress, what do YOU love in addition to math?

1264.  “100!” said Leibniz, as he awkwardly struck the golf ball.

1265.  After two days of babysitting sophomores who didn’t “love wisdom” like I thought they would, I’m not sad that today is Friday or that the TAKS is “dead.”  I only hope that as the STAAAAAAR takes effect (pronounced “TEXAS star” (SHOUT as you say TEXAS)) and is implemented (write your state senator to get the meaning and recitation of the acronym explained to you (the ’A’s stand for something clever, I’m sure), students are more motivated to take the test seriously (and less likely to leave Chee-tos underneath their desks when they are done).

1266.  A man cannot live on food, clothing, shelter, love, and unlimited credit line alone, he need math, too!

1267.  On the AP exam, be careful with your enthusiasm.  Don’t just indiscriminately put an exclamation point at the end of your numeric answers . . . unless the answer is 1 . . . . or if the answer is zero and you meant one.  If your proudly, but incorrectly claim your answer to be three, and it turns out to be six, then put an exclamation on your wrong answer.

1268.  After babysitting some knuckleheads after the TAKS exam last week, I’ve come to a conclusion that one’s ability to do math is inversely proportional to the number of bags of Doritos/Cheetos one eats, and that there is fine line between playing dumb and being dumb.

1269.  Don’t make me kill you before you have a chance to die of natural causes caused by a major coronary blockage.

1270.  All bleeding stops . . . eventually . . . even for the hopelessly lazy.

1271.  When it comes to thinking, some will stop at nothing.

1272.  Let’s say I give you two chances, I don’t think you’d be able to figure out when you’ve run out?

1273.  If you think that the TAKS test was hard . . . just wait until you get out there in the real world where Cheetos don’t magically appear in your house overnight!

1274.  Just finish frying fish for our church function.  Have no fear you converts.  I am a fisher of men, but I only fry the fish I'm able to fish out of HEB's freezer case.  I hope you don't "hang out" in there.

1275.  I can’t believe it’s already almost fixing to be the end of the year.  It just seems like last week was Tuesday the fourth.

1276.  It’s summer time again.  Another school year gone by and “bye.”  Goodbye to Johnny and Susie.  Hello to Oprah and Judge Judy.

1277.  Now that students have gone home for the summer, I can finally teach in a quiet classroom, without all those annoying questions.

1278.  Now that it’s summer break, I can live the life of an unemployed, depressed guy with severe laryngitis who wants nothing more than to speak and be loved.

1279.  Now that school’s over for the year, I have only one question, “Anyone know a good movie with a running time of 130,000 minutes?”

1280.  With school letting out for the summer, it means only one thing . . . loneliness.

1281.  You know what I think summer break is good for? It’s good for something to cushion the cats blunt-force-trauma if you were to fall out of a window on the third floor and land on that cat.

1282.  Mark my words, summer break will seem like a vacuous gulf between unable to crawl and dribbling on yourself to running a water-logged marathon . . . if you know what I mean . . . . really, if you do, let me know.

1283.  The guitar is such a simple instrument to  . . . . . . suck at.

1284.  I’m all for anything, as long as it doesn’t affect my anything.

1285.  The next section is called “antidifferentiation and indefinite integration,” and I can assure you it has nothing to do with your opposition to finding derivatives, nor does it pertain to your lack of confidence in the correctness of your integral.  In fact, by the end of this section, you will definitely be sure of your indefinite integrals.

1286.  You are fomenting my parlance to become replete with strictures!

1287.  If you do it this way, you are setting yourself up for failure . . . and you WILL succeed.

1288.  The first thing you want to do is check the domain of the function. . . not second, not third, but FIRST!!!!!!   Or before that, if possible.

1289.  Sure, this problem was a lot of work, but at least it’s math. It’s not like we were digging a deep hole with a spoon in a piece of granite!

1290.  Unlike that third helping of turkey and dressing, all this math is GOOD for you!

1291.  I’ve got to warn you about this next problem . . . it’s gonna require a little bit of math.

1292.  The farmer can’t turn his jalopy around that fast!  That’s faster than turning on a dime, that’s turning on a quark in the nucleus of a BABY atom!

1293.  Wow!  That’s one nice mechanical pencil.  OOH, it looks like the latest luxury model in Pentel’s “mathematicians” line.  I still have my older, earlier model that I used all through college to earn my BS in math.  It sits in a box on top of my dresser at home.  It still works, too!  Every once in a while, I get it out and do a math problem or two with it . . . . ooooh yeaaahhhh, it feels sooooo good.

1294.  You can minimize distance by maximizing closeness, but you've got to be careful who you get that close to . . . it better be intentional, or you'd better have fallen into a crevasse with that person and you're wedged together and cannot help it.

1295.  Many of you liked how that  problem turned into a simple linear equation there at the end.  It was like you were back in that happy, safe place known as Algebra I, but you can't grow by playing it safe, you've got to get off that Kiddy-Coaster and get yourself on that big mega coaster even if you don't want to.  Sure you may be scared, and you may throw up on yourself, but in the end, you'll LOVE it and you have to ride it again and again and again, and soon you'll be looking for bigger and better coasters just to get the same thrill.  . . . .I'm not sure I'm even talking about math anymore.

1296.  You've got to get off that Kitty-Coaster eventually.  You don't want to be that old, creepy guy who still rides the Kitty-Coaster wedge into the car with his knees sticking way up, especially if you don't have any kids of your own riding it with you.  In fact, that's the reason I HAD kids . . . so I could ride the Kitty-Coaster with them without looking like a sorry creep.  As it turns out, it was a WAY too expensive a way to get that done.  With two kids who soak up money like a piece of gauze on a sucking gut wound, it would have been a lot cheaper for me just to buy a Kitty Coaster kit and erect it in my back yard.

1297.  OK, we’ve been pushing symbols and numbers around in the problem for a while, but we have to remember our goal in doing so.  What was it we were hoping to achieve??  Waste some time?  Keep boredom and ennui at bay??  Solve for x??  Become rich, famous, and happy?

1298.  OK, that’s a typo there.  I meant to type “car,” not “care,” a reminder to take care when using choosing your words and take car when traveling to your favorite local destinations.  That was almost a free, bonus English lesson right in the middle of a math lesson.  Wow!

1299.  “At a certain restaurant, the hourly wage for a waiter is 20% more than the hourly wage for a dishwasher, and the hourly wage for a dishwasher is half as much as the hourly wage for a cook’s assistant.  If a cook’s assistant earns $8.50 an hour, how much less than a cook’s assistant does a waiter earn each hour?”  Dang!!! When you read all that, you tell yourself, “Why don’t we just ask the manager.”

1300.  OK, we’re going to grade these quizzes right now, so switch papers with someone you absolutely trust 100% . . . or with someone who happens to be conveniently sitting nearby.

1301.  We can convert both bases to either base 10 or base 100, since we already have on of each, or we can convert both bases to a different, third-party, neutral base, like, 55, although in doing so, solving the log equation will feel a lot like mathematical filibustering to those waiting for the solution.

1302.  So each of our two logarithmic terms have different arguments, which means they are each arguing for a different domain.  We need to call in the Great Compromiser, Henry Clay, to moderate a happy resolution to both logs involved.  The final domain must be one that makes both logs happy.  In the end, any solutions to the equation must be in the agreed-upon domain as put forth by the Clay Manifesto.

1303.  Our domain is “all values greater than zero.”  Our solution is 0.001, which just baaaaaarely makes it into the solution set.  That’s like a 20-year-old in a looong line at a club who, as he reaches the front of the line, has a birthday and is allowed to enter.

1304.  The new club down the street has a cover charge of $10, but for that price, you are allowed to dance all you want.  It’s like a cheap “Dance Buffet.”

1305.  Including both 2 and negative 4 in your solution set, when the domain is greater than 1, is like giving a loved one a beautiful Christmas gift and a piece a coal wrapped up in the same package—bad idea.  The coal devalues the nice gift.  Consequently, we need to be more thoughtful in our choice of gifts and solution sets.

1306.   A lump of coal is much more useful than a negative extraneous solution.  At least you can keep warm, barbecue, and/or write on white walls with a piece of coal.  What can you do with a negative extraneous solution besides deride it, mock it, castigate it, ostracize it, excommunicate it?  By the way, that’s not a kind thing to do, to kick someone when they’re down.  We should show more kindness to those who are unwanted and down.  Bring them into the solution set????? Absolutely not!  Give them a piece of coal??? Perhaps.

1307.  Thanks for pointing that out to me.  I don’t know why I wrote “4” instead of “6.”  They don’t even start with the same number.

1308.  This picture here [of Isaac Barrow] cannot be Beethoven, since he has his eyes open, and Beethoven was deaf.

1309.  I know what you’re thinking: “the wheelbarrow was named in honor of Isaac Barrow,” but you’d be incorrect, that would be “Mr. Wheel.”

1310.  Student: What won’t be on the quiz tomorrow?  Korpi: I won’t ask you the genus species name of the African White Elephant.  Student: They have white elephants?  Korpi: Yes, they like to give gag gifts, like silly answers to silly questions in poorly wrapped paper.

1311.  Trigonometric identities are just synonyms for our common trig functions, you could replace one with the other without any loss of generality.  So like if you wanted to say “Holy Cow!” you could instead say “Sacred Bovine” and everyone would still understand what you mean.

1312.  Oh Look!  A penny tails-side-up!!  If you were underneath it, you’d have good luck!

1313.  Korpi: “Have a good weekend, you two.”  Students: “You too!”  Korpi: “Where the Streets have no name!”  Students” “Huh??” Korpi: “U2, then.”

1314.  Have we EVER shown a vertical dilation on our graphs?  Do we want start NOW, then . . . during LENT?!  We’re supposed to give things up during Lent.  I say we give up such preposterous propositions as asking if we should take something up rather than give up something during Lent.

1315.  Just because I didn’t draw more cycles of tangent doesn’t mean that they’re not there . . . It’s kind of like gravity and love, you don’t need to see it to know that they’re there . . . hopefully . . . that would suck if love was actually not there . . . come to think of it, our world would be upside down if gravity wasn’t there either.

1316.  The instructions say to “describe” the part of the coordinate plane where the graph is concave up.  Geez, that sounds like an impressive task more suitable to an English class rather than a Math class.  Let’s be sure to work in some vivid imagery, personification, and other literary devices . . .  like Onomatopoeia. . . sh-BANG!

1317.  I'm sorry to interrupt the beginning of your sentence with the middle of mine.  In the future you have to speak much louder while I'm talking.  Go ahead, then.  Try your question again NOW . . . (student begins to speak) . . .BUT BE SURE TO BE MUCH LOUDER THIS TIME, 'CAUSE YOU'RE COMPETING WITH MY VOICE.

1318.  I've never tried integrating that way before . . . not even in college!

1319.  So 9 out of 10 dentists chose to restrict cosine on the interval from 0 to pi rather than from negative pi to zero.  I guess it's because negative values cause cavities and the other dentist needs the business.  Whatever broken analogy you want to use, the bottom line is that the principal value range of the inverse cosine function is 0 to pi.

1320.  You can remember the principal value range for inverse cosine by thinking of the unit circle in quadrants 1 and 2.  It kind of looks like a sun on the horizon.  It can be sun on the horizon at any time of day as long as it's morning or evening.  If it were any other time of day, you'd have to be at a weird vantage point.

1321.  Oh my gosh!  I was dividing by 3 instead of 11!!  Why didn't any of you let me know before I got all the way to the right answer??  That's serendipity, baby, and it don't happen often.

1322.  One-half sure looks like a ratio, but it's and ANGLE here, not a ratio . . . well, actually it's a quotient of two integers, so technically, it's a ratio, but it's a ratio that represents an ANGLE and NOT a trig ratio.

1323.  The quiz will be one of those easy I-have-to-generate-a-grade kind of quizzes.  It will be as fun as it will be easy, necessary, and quantitative.

1324.  Of the four integrals up there, three of them you know how to do, and one of them you can't do . . . Let me rephrase that . . . three of them you SHOULD know how to do, and one of them requires methods I haven't taught you yet.

1325.  Answer choice (E) which reads "It cannot be determined from the information given" does not mean the same thing as "I cannot determine it from the information given."

1326.  I wish the local newspaper would get rid of those stupid Sudoku puzzles every day and put an Indefinite Integration problem in its place.  I think they would sell more papers, and people would have something to do when they finished the crossword puzzle.  By the way, that last integral we worked might be classified as a 3-star level of difficulty, although some of you are seeing more stars.

1327.  Some of you have incredible math stamina: you can sit and stare at a problem for hours at a time not knowing what to do.

1328.  We're on a 4-day school week this week, and Thursday's a Pep Rally schedule, that means I have far less than 5 school days to squeeze in my usual 6 days of information.  I'll have to teach much faster than usual, but I think I can do . . . readysetherewego . . .

1329.  So you get to this word problem on the math section of the SAT and you're like, "DAAAANG, am I in the right section???? This problem should be in the English section!!!!"  

1330.  That problem looks like is has way too many radicals, but alas, it's not an illusion. What we CAN do, though is get rid of all those dangerous, pointy radical symbols and rewrite them with smooth and comforting parentheses raised to cool-headed, rational powers.

1331.  I used to teach Algebra I repeat class. Those kids had very different needs that y'all Calculus students have. Y'all are like "We need wisdom and knowledge and math. Teach us, O Korpi!" Their needs were more like . . . . "Will you be my dad?"

1332.  I almost got that one student to pass Algebra I after he had failed it 7 times before, but it wasn't to be. I saw him a few years later working at target. He unloaded merchandise off the transport trucks in the evening. Apparently, for every two TVs he unloaded off the truck, only one made it into the store and he unloaded the other one on the black market. He's incarcerated now. I still think how his life would have been different if had just enabled him to pass Algebra I.

1333.  One of my old Algebra I students eventually got a job as a stocker at Target. . . . Wait, that sounds wrong. It's not like he creeped on people in the sporting goods department.  He wasn't a stALKer, he was a . . . well . . a Night StOCKer . . . oh, my . . . someone help me!!

1334.  Now I know why I never eat lunch. I don't want to teach anymore today. I just want to take a nap.

1335. Student: I thought you said to "do that without calculus." Korpi: HA, YES! Do that without calculus, and sit on your hands while you do it with your eyes closed.

1336. Sure, you cooooould use your calculator to answer that question, but it's not the right tool for the job. Your brain is more suitable for the task. It would be like trying to cook up some eggs for breakfast using a toilet plunger. You might be able to eventually get the job done, but it's gonna take a while and be messy. You wouldn't want to do that, especially 'cause the next time you use the toilet plunger for its designed purpose, the toilet is gonna scream, "OOOOOOOH, GROSS! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!!!! IT'S TOUCHED EEEEEGGGGGSSSS!!!"

1337.  So, we have three p.i.v.'s. How do you get rid of the "p?" . . . . . I'm not talking about stubborn pet stains in the carpet, those are impossible to get rid of. I'm talking about how can you make a "POSSIBLE" inflection value and ACTUAL inflection value?

1338.  Sorry Mr. x = 2. It looks like you have to hold your "p" (long pause) I'm sorry, my mind wandered to a place I didn't want to go, and I didn't want to tell you what I was thinking that Mr. x = 2 is in desperate need of a bathroom. If I had told you what I was thinking, I'd be participating in scatological humor, the absolute lowest form of humor . . . it's even lower than puns!!!

1339.  May all your pain be Champagne, and all your poo, Shampoo!

1340.  Our passions, like a song and a cake, are gifts to others and are meant for sharing.  If you sing Happy Birthday to yourself and eat your entire birthday cake alone, you’re not only lonely . . . you’ve got a problem.—Korpi

1341.  Some people are so negative, they refuse to jump for joy out of fear that someone will pull the floor out from under them.—Korpi

1342.  A tree doesn’t eat its own fruit.—Korpi

1343.  You will find that point deductions on quizzes and tests in here are like shopping at Kohl’s—there’s a sale everyday.  You’ll never pay full price.  At Kohl’s, you couldn’t pay full price if you wanted to.

1344.  What do you do if you take sin(x)/x and divide out x’s to get “sin?”  . . . You REPENT, that’s what you do, ‘cause that’s soooo wrong.

1345.  Korpi:  Good morning!  Student:  It’s almost 4 in the afternoon!  Korpi:  Sorry, that’s all the Chinese I know.

1346.  It looks like we can have the internet working or the bells working, but not both . . . but usually neither.

1347.  You get a first check for any step in any direction, even if it’s in the wrong direction.  It’s like if I asked you to exit the room and you took a step toward the back wall.  I’ll give you a check for that, but to get the second check, you actually have to successfully navigate out of the room, through the door . . . on your own.  If you only get the first check, don’t pilfer my secret stash of skittles when you get hungry or I’ll take that first check right back from you.

1348.  You must take your quizzes and tests on real paper, not the ipad, with a real pencil or a fake stylus that writes on paper.

1349.  If you don’t have any of your own paper, you’re welcome to use my unlined printer paper for the quiz, but you’ll have to draw your own lines on it.

1350.  I’ve been using my iPad so much lately to write my notes that the other day, while working a problem on real paper, I made a mistake.  Instead of flipping my pencil to erase the mistake, I instinctively moved my pencil to the top of the page only to discover there was no “undo” button.  I was by myself when it happened, but I was so embarrassed, I wrote my name at the top of the page just to make it look like I meant to be up there.

1351.  As I read that theorem, I saw everyone’s eyes glaze over.  Y’all were staring right about here like y’all were looking at one of those pictures with a hidden picture in a background you can only see of you stare to the back of it, which means, you saw the hidden dolphin on the board.

1352.  You can either simplify the expression by working from the inside out or the outside in.  It doesn’t matter which one, just pick one and go with it.  If you can’t decide, flip a coin to decide.  If you can’t decide whether to choose heads or tails, flip another coin.

1353.  If you don’t know what to do to simplify an expression, you can add clever forms of zero, like +5-5.  This may not get you anywhere but it’s better than sitting there doing nothing.  It’s like taking one step forward and one step backward over and over again before you start a marathon race.  It’s the warm up before the race.  You just can’t do it for too long, or you are worn out before you even begin to make progress.

1354.  Think of the graph of sin(x)/x like someone playing an accordion.  As we go to zero, he’s squeezing the bellows, as we go to infinity, he’s expanding them.  The only difference is that we only analyze the function in one direction.  You can’t play an accordion by only pushing or pulling . . . unless it’s a looooong accordion . . . . or a really short song.

1355.  (Seeing a roll of paper towels squeezed between the door and door jamb to hold it open.)  Oh No!  The paper towels are trying to escape.  My paper towel door-trap caught them!  I don’t think we’re going to have that problem much longer, as soon as the other paper towel rolls find out. 

1356.  The answer is 13  . . . or 13.000, to be exact.

1357.  (Seeing a student in the hall at 2:30 P.M.)  Good Morning!  (Student looks perplexed.)  Sorry, that’s all the Chinese I know.

1358.  We have to have the attitude of using the iPad this year in much the same way we would be if we paid for a 5-cent gumball with a $100 bill . . . we are going to embrace the change.

1359.  (On the second day of school to 1^st period).  Good morning!  Y’all look real familiar to me.  I think I’ve seen y’all before. . . . wait . . . don’t tell me . . . 1^st Period PreAP Precalculus, Right?!

1360.  Sometimes when I try to unfreeze my video screen, I end up inadvertently pressing the video mute button twice, freezing it again.  This is an unfortunate side effect of my days of playing Super Mario Brothers on the Nintendo 8-bit system.  Boy, could I shoot those fireballs fast.

1361.  You would think that double freezing my video screen would send it into a deep freeze, rather than simply freezing it as it was before. . . Does it even have time to thaw out in between?

1362.  Infinity minus a constant is still infinity.  Think about Donald Trump.  If you took 2 pennies from him, he’s still Donald Trump.  He still has enough money to buy anything he wants except a decent haircut.

1363.  Negative infinity minus a constant is still negative infinity.  Think about the Federal Government.  They owe trillions of dollars.  If they spent another billion or two, who’s gonna notice?  -16 trillion minus 2 billion is still essentially negative infinity.

1364.  Since there is a football game this Thursday night, we’ll test on Thursday instead of Friday.  I don’t like to have a big test after a late-night football game since so many students are affected.  This is why we usually don’t have tests on Saturday.

1365.  Neither divided by an even function is neither.  Neither divided by an odd function is also neither.  An even or an odd function divided by neither is also neither.  So never invite “neither” to your party, ‘cause he’s the ultimate party pooper.  If you invite him . . . you’ll have poop all over the place.  Not a pretty site.  Also Neither divided by neither is also neither, and you definitely don’t want to invite two “neithers” to your party . . . twice the poop.  And you thought cleaning up from your last party was not fun . . .

1366.  Notice these next 5 problems all look very, very similar.  What is different though is where the parentheses are placed which will change the way we differentiate each problem.  In fact, there is such variety in where the parentheses are in each problem, it looks like evidence of a “pin the parentheses on the problem” game at a math birthday party.

1367.  In calculus, you may have to BOTC (bust out the calculus) but you’ll never have to BOTA—bust out the algebra—because that would mean you have put away the algebra, and, like salt and pepper shakers, we leave the algebra out all the time because we use it so often.

1368.  At my house, I rarely mistake the pepper for salt and salt for pepper because we have clear, glass shakers, and I can see the white and black contents.  I hate going to a friend’s house and they have those cutesy ceramic, opaque shakers.  One of them has a single hole at the top, and the other has half of a hole at its top.  You can’t tell which one is which until you have two whole flecks on your food, and by then, your arm is too tired from shaking what you thought might be invisible seasonings or air to shake out any more.  This is why I stay home most of the time.

1369.  *looks out the window* From the looks of things, I’d say we’re in for a bit of weather soon.

1370.  Our test will be this Thursday, which is a Pep Rally schedule day, so we’ll have five fewer minutes, so I’ll make the test 5 minutes shorter than usual by taking off an inch or two from the bottom.

1371.  Today we’re having a Pop Warm Up, but you’re ALWAYS ready for a quiz when you come in, and if we don’t have one, you’re disappointed.

1372.  The key is practice, practice, practice.  And where do you go to practice?  The H.E.B. soccer fields . . . err, yes, the worksheet.  Take your worksheet with you to soccer practice if you have to go.  *tapping his head and stomach*  Multi-task, people, multi-task.

1373.  So here we have the g-raph of f-of-x.  Not to be confused with the animal at the zoo with the long neck named Felix.

1374.  *finishing writing an expression with many inside functions by writing 3 closed parenthesis*  Close, close, close, and that’s just me describing the floor in my daughter’s room.

1375.  The shirts might be a bit pricey at 12 bucks, but I think they’re reusable.

1376.  Is that a photo of you running?? Or is it a video??  ‘cause, if it’s a video, no offense, but you’re kind of slow.

1377.  The first thing I do when I get home is post the videos online of the daily lesson.  No, wait.  That’s the second thing I do.  The first thing I do is open the door to the house.  I used to try posting the videos before going inside, but it was really hard, because I didn’t have computer access, because my computer is inside my study, in my house, on the other side of the door.

1378.  Don’t forget to put the give your equation a name, put it into the proper form, and don’t forget your parenthesis, and don’t do drugs.

1379.  I don’t know what to say here, so I’ll just stand here without saying anything . . . but let me just say that in MY opinion, I would have taken the log of both sides rather than do what you suggested, since that would have allowed us to free our variable from exponent land, get in on the ground floor, and get on with giving it a permanent identity . . . but I’ll just stand here quietly while y’all think about it . . .

1380.  Y’all are still 3^rd period, right?  If not, y’all are darn-good impersonators.  Your masks are perfect!  You should leave the math industry and go to Hollywood . . . but not right now . . . we’ve got a test coming up . . .

1381.  Y’all are still 4^th period, right?  Yes?!  Are y’all impressed with my memory???  Huh??? . . . now where did I lay my stylus? . . .

1382.  Are you laughing at my jokes???  You think I’m funny, huh?  Well, I’ll let you get away with it this time, but don’t let me ever catch you laughing at me again.  Please get my full attention next time before doing so.

1383.  Student:  Mr. Korpi, something has really been bothering me lately.  Korpi: (awkwardly) Have you been to the counselor??  No?? Well, what is it then.  Student:  I find it odd that numbers aren’t divisible by two.  Korpi:  (regaining confidence)  Well, it’s because there are two types of numbers, no need to worry, those that are divisible by two, such as 2, 4, 6, 8, etc. as well as those that are not, such as the numbers in between, like 1, 3, 5, and so forth.  The numbers that are divisible by 2, we call even.  Those that are not, we call odd . . . Wait a minute . . . did you just . . . I get it . . . I’m a little slow . . . but I get it.  Nice one . . . You’re so odd.

1384.  This equation refers to a principle called Newton’s Law of Cooling.  To illustrate, say you take a cold glass of milk out of the refrigerator and set it on the counter.  It will begin to cool rapidly, but it can’t continue to do so indefinitely or it will go to negative infinity, well past zero Kelvin.  At some point, it will begin to cool at an slower rate, approaching what will be the . . .What??? . . . room temperature.  Student:  And this is Newton’s Law of COOLING???  Cooling, Sir?  Glass of Milk from a refrigerator???   Korpi:  (Crap)  Umm, Yes, this was Quilag Newton’s Law.  Not Isaac’s.  Quilag lived in the Arctic Tundra where there wasn’t much to do except think about math.  It was so cold there that refrigerators worked in reverse, keeping things warm enough so that they wouldn’t freeze to room temperature.  He published his historic findings, “Liquid Milk”, which he etched in ice blocks, . . . Ahhhhh, never mind.  You’re right.  I messed up.  A pretty good save attempt though, wouldn’t you say?

1385.  If you can’t see the board, you should move up to the front.  Most people who elect to sit at the very back of the room, I assume, have 50/50 vision, which is the same as 20/20, but more reflects the likelihood they will fail the class because of a transcription error.

1386.  Concepts can be generalized, gimmicks cannot . . . I take that back, one can quickly conclude, in general, that gimmicks cannot be generalized.  We are doing students a disservice if we send them off to college or into the world with a limited back of tricks, rather than a flexible, confident mind with the ability to think with a smile on their face.

993.  I don’t like to brag, but when I used to watch Dora the Explorer with my kids, and even yesterday, I can totally solve the mystery before she could . . . can.  I don’t like that Swiper guy.

1387.  You don’t need to put a bar over a repeating decimal, just report three decimals and get out of there and onto the party deck.  You might want to put a bar over the party deck, though, ‘cause the party goes on and on and on and on . . .

1389.  There are several correct ways to do this problem incorrectly, but only one correct way to do it correctly.  You must be persistent enough to continue until you find the correct way.

1390.  No one can forget Papa PID, just like no one can forget Papa John . . . man that gut has a commercial every break, even has some commercials in the middle of other commercials. . . and have you noticed he’s started wearing makeup??? Or is that just marinara sauce???? And don’t you think he has a little man crush on Peyton Manning?   Suuuure, you’d like to forget Papa John . . . but he won’t let you!

1391.  When I roll, I stroll . . . that’s how I roll . . . when I stroll . . . so . . . .

1392.  Those are khaki pants that just happen to look the same color of my skin . . . what do you want me to admit to?  That I take walks without pants on?  Sounds less chafing, though.

1393.  I was sitting all comfortably at my desk on the other side of the room, then you knocked and I had to get up, walk all the way across the room just to let you in . . . seeing as how today is National Inconvenience Yourself Day, you just made my day . . . Thanks!

1394.  I prefer that you guys stay focused on the math and let ME be the one that takes us off topic.

1395.  If got answer choice “C” instead of “D,” you did the right thing, but with the wrong numbers.  It would be liked I asked you to bring me a Peanut Butter Sandwich, and you brought me a Nuttella Sandwich.  You put some creamy spread on some bread, but some other type instead.  If you answered “A” instead of “D,” well you did something else entirely.  That would be like me asking for the aforementioned Peanut Butter sandwich and you bring me a ceramic banana!  That doesn’t even have bread!  And it’s not even real food . . . unless you happen to be ceramic monkey.

1396.  Sometimes when evaluating a convergent improper integral on your calculator, you can intimidate the calculator into giving you the actually answer to which the integral only technically converges.  It would be like getting your wrestling opponent to “cry uncle,” to “tap out,” if you will, and admit to you that you own him.  Sometimes, though, you can severely overload you calculator if you put too big an upper bound, and you will “break” you calculator, whereby it will give you zero every time.  You don’t want to do this.  This would be like holding your wrestling opponent in the submissive hold until he dies.  Bad indeed . . . for BOTH of you!

1397.  We sketched the graph of tangent in yellow and the graph of cotangent in red.  Reminds me of mustard and ketchup . . . on a hotdog . . . . which makes PERFECT sense, since tangent and cotangent are reciprocals of each other, they undo each other, like when you accidentally put mustard on your hotdog and you want to take it off, you can just squirt a bunch of ketchup on top of it, and, voila! No more mustard taste . . .  . . . . . LOTS of ketchup . . . . not really.

1398.  (1^st Period) The graph of tangent kind of looks like the graph of x cubed, a parent function we easily recognize.  It would help, then, to think of “tangent of x” as “x cubed” to start with.  To help you remember this, it is uber convenient that “tangent of x” rhymes with “x cubed” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . not really, . . . . . but if you’re Willie Nelson and are writing a country song with enough twang . .  . . you could make it work!?  (didn’t go over well)

1399.  (2^nd period, trying a new analogy) The graph of tangent kind of looks like the graph of x cubed, a parent function we easily recognize.  It would help, then, to think of “tangent of x” as “x cubed” to start with.  To help you remember this, it is extremely convenient that “tangent of x” DOESN’T rhyme with “x cubed” . . . . not even close.  So when you want to graph tangent, just ask yourself “what DOESN’T rhyme with tangent of x?”  . . . . . . x cubed, of course!  (not much better)

1400.  (3^rd period, trying yet another new analogy) The graph of tangent kind of looks like the graph of x cubed, a parent function we easily recognize.  It would help, then, to think of “tangent of x” as “x cubed” to start with.  To help you remember this, it is totally convenient to remember that the graph of tangent kind of looks like the graph of x cubed.  (all confusingly agree!)

1401.  You are all going to have a test on Thursday.  I wrote it here on the board to remind you.  (Students moan).  Of course, that’s not etched in stone, for the dry erase board is not mad out of rock.  It IS, in fact, only written in dry erase, see? (wipes it off the board with hand), it may, in fact NOT be on Thursday.  It COULD, instead, be tomorrow . . . . someone get me my hammer and chisel . . . .

1402.  Good morning!  Your warm up is on the board, get to it.  Our test is in two days.  We’re finishing our notes today, so the homework will be due tomorrow. . . . So how was everyone’s Spring Break? . . . . in one word or less . . . who’s got the warm up?  Anyone?

1403.  Student: Mr. Korpi, how was your Spring Break.  Korpi:  I don’t like to talk about my past.

1404.  Student:  Mr. Korpi, who is your favorite student.  Korpi:  After 15 years of teaching, it’s a long, long list that includes ALL my students.  Rest assured, you are on it.

1405.  For anyone going to the prom this year from someone who is not a student at our school, whether it’s someone from Canyon, Smithson Valley, Canyon Lake, France, or even Grandma, there is a form that you must fill out on behalf of that person a present at the door.  I think the form is green.  You can download this “permission slip” on my website or pick one up at the library.  You would sure hate to get to the door with Grandma and not have her green card to get in.  I so, you would be avoiding one of two scenarios:  “Help, I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!”  or “Help, I’m too old, and I can’t get down!”

1406.  Korpi: Happy “National Common Courtesy Day.”  To celebrate, I recommend you let everyone exit the parking lot after school today in front of you.  Student:  If we all did that, no one would leave.  Korpi:  True, but there are worst places to be stranded . . . and you’re only there until midnight when the day ends . . . and tomorrow, incidentally, is “stick it to your neighbor day,” so at midnight you can all fight to leave the parking lot first.

1407.  Korpi:  Happy International Waffle Day!  Student:  We should all go to IHOP!  Korpi: Only if you want to rub syrup in waffle’s eyes.  That’s the International House of PANCAKES.  You are SO unpatriotic!!!!  We waffle-loving Americans should go to the Waffle House or to IHOW!

1408.  The closest Waffle House is in Austin, which was voted recently as the city with the 4^th worst traffic in the nation, behind L.A. and 2 others.  You might be better off driving to the Waffle House in Pensacola, Florida to avoid the traffic . . . it would be faster.

1409.  I haven’t seen a Waffle House at night that has all of its letters lit up.  There’s always one out.  I saw one, one time, with the “W” out.  It was actually more appropriate, if you’ve ever been to one you know what I mean.

1410.  Waffle House . . . my favorite place to go for breakfast when I’d rather have someone cook my breakfast for me . . . . who’s chain smoking while they do it . . . . at 3 in the morning.

1411.  We ought to open an art exhibit filled with all the beautiful pictures students have created on their iPad during class when they should have been taking notes.  Some of that stuff is pretty impressive, and others should see it.  We should entitle the art exhibit . . . “Why I Failed Precalculus!”

1412.  I am sitting in the back of the room trying to stay focused and teach on my iPad, but I am distracted by all of y’all in front of me playing games or drawing, that I find it hard to stay focused.  I don’t know how y’all do it.  You must ALL be on Adderall, already know this stuff, or are failing this class.  In the last case, you should shape up.  If you fall into the middle class, you are in the wrong class.  If you fall into the first group, I have a house that needs reroofing.

1413.  Y’all are still 3^rd period, right?  Good.  Y’all are so comfortable with your label.

1414.  Is this class 1^st period?????  Or 1^st exclamation point????????? Oh, yaaaa! . . . . . Well, then, you’d better start acting like it.  This is MATH, people.  If you can’t get excited about THIS, you are going to bored if you ever go to DisneyWorld.

1415.  I am sick and tired of people comparing everything in this world that is easy to doing math.  We need to break that myth.  The next time you hear someone say, “it’s so easy, you might as well be integrating by partial fraction decomposition,” slap that person in the face and give them an integral where the Heaviside “cover-up” decomposition doesn’t work, like a repeated linear factor . . . or an irreducible quadratic factor. . . an see them cower with their tail between their legs as they blush running the other way. . . . . . . I HATE stereotypes,  . . . and Chinese food . . . too much MSG, and I’m always hungry an hour later.

1416.  *Walking upon Mr. Kilford’s “stuffed to the rafters class” as the dismissal bell rings*  Man, this classroom is like a clown car.  Was he giving a lecture on rubber chickens and squirting bow ties?

1417.  Sometimes finding a counterexample is like finding a needle in a haystack.  If you find an example that shows both sides to be true, you haven’t found the needle.  It’s like I asked you to find me the needle, and you bring me a piece of straw, “here you go.”  Although the straw is thin and pointy, and could possibly be used as a needle in emergency situations, like on an island, or if you’re being mugged, ok, maybe not if you’re being mugged . . . . Anyway, get BACK to that haystack and keep searching for that needle!

1418.  Alright, let’s take a look at the next problem, number “L” . . . I should have watched more Sesame Street growing up.

1419.  If your story is so scary it makes me crap my pants, I’ll give you bonus points.  If your story is so funny it makes me wet my pants, I’ll give you bonus points.  Basically, if new pants are in my future, bonus points are in yours.

1420.  Happy Anti-Awareness Bullying Day!

1421.  It’s fun.  It’s easy. . . it’s Funeasy!

1422.  You must work your way from the outside of the function in, towards the innermost sanctum of the function . . . towards the blobbiest of blobs . . . and there you must sacrifice a fatted calf . . .

1423.  Back in my day, growning up in the valley, “shart” didn’t mean what it means to you guys today, although I know why you’re laughing.  In my day, “shart” was not a portmanteau, but an actual word, as in, “Hey, bolio, why don’t choo run along and go play wish yer sharts, or saw-thing.”

1424.  Excuse me, can you please repeat what you said, but more cogently and convincingly?  I didn’t bring my glasses today, so I’m not quite seeing your point.

1425.  Happy Reptile Awareness Day, everyone.  May you not step on any alligators today, lest you become unfortunately aware of them.

1426.  I can’t (student sneezes) . . . BLESS YOU . . . ‘cause I’m not ordained.  You’re on your own.  Anyway, I can’t be here tomorrow morning because I have a meeting.

1427.  Korpi: Where is everybody today?  Is it student skip day?  Student:  I skipped today, sir, all the way to class.  Korpi:  And yet YOU still got here on time.  I guess the other skippers either skip more slowly than you, they had classes farther away, or they’re having trouble skipping up the stairs.  When everyone gets here, I’ll teach everyone how to gallop, saunter, and grapevine.  Each of these is a bit faster, I think, than skipping and still emotes your enthusiasm about getting to class.  So that’ll be tomorrow’s lesson, then. 

1428.  Student:  Mr. Korpi, we shouldn’t take the quiz today since so many students are gone.  Korpi:  That is exactly why we MUST take it . . . we can’t let them win!

1429.  Student: Mr. Korpi, I got an odd answer.  Korpi:  What do you mean by odd?  Like 3, 5, 7?  Student:  No, negative four.  Korpi:  That’s not odd.  That’s actually an even number.  We have some holes to fill in your mathematical foundation, don’t we?

1430.  Student: I like your outfit today.  Korpi: Thanks, I dressed myself this morning!

1431.  I always get dressed in the dark.  It’s much more fun . . . and everything matches!

1432.  Student: Will you fill this out for me?  Korpi:  It says it has to be filled out by a current teacher.  I just updated all my smartphone apps this morning, so I qualify . . . you’re in luck!

1433.  You can relate your variables to each other via the “P-Theorem” . . . that is, actually, the “Pythagorean Theorem,” not to be confused with the other “P-Theorem” which states “when you gotta go, you gotta go.”

1434.  You know how I can tell when I’m out of loaner calculators?  When I can wear the box I store them in as a hat without any of the calculators hitting me on the head.  It’s a pretty accurate way to measure the calculator availability.

1435.  Here, this note came for you a few minutes ago.  (Reading) “A-S-A-P”  Oops, sorry.  Just go to the office now . . . you can blame your tardiness on me.  Tell them that Mr. Korpi thought ASAP meant “As Slowly As Possible,” or “As Soon As Peterosegetsintothehalloffame.”

1436.  In honor of MLK day, while other schools are out of clas today, we will be taking the test I promised you.  All tests were photocopied equally.  Hold your test when you are done.  At the end of class, we will all stand in unity and march to the front of the room where we will collectively turn in our exams on the cart in a demonstration of solidarity, united behind our cause for mathematical assessment.

1437.  The answer is 4.9999999, but our domain is x is greater than or equal to 5.  That means our guy is just not tall enough to ride the ride.  He is sooooooo close, though.  All he needs to do, though, is to put one layer of our school’s toilet paper in the bottom of his shoes, and he’ll measure up.

1438.  My birthday was great.  We all had a great time in class.  It was a proportioned mixture of math, mirth, and one menacing moth.

1439.  Student:  Why is the milk the fastest liquid?  Korpi:  I don’t know.  Is it because it tells everyone else to moooooooove the heck out of its way?  Student:  No, but that’s better than my punch line.

1440.  The Mean Value Theorem can be abbreviated MVT.  Be careful to spell it correctly, though.  It is (slowly) “M-V-T, not V-H-1.”

1441.  They say if you’re sick in the hospital, you can’t get better until you leave the hospital.  If you’re home sick from school away from your math class, I say you can’t begin to improve until you get back in to your math class.

1442.  You’re bringing me a math Christmas ornament, and I don’t even have a Christmas tree.  I will just set it on top of this acorn, here, and wait.  Thanks!

1443.  When I said, “Answers may vary,” it’s like when you read the back of a microwavable burrito and it says “cooking times may vary.”  Whether you heat that burrito for 12 minutes in one microwave or 13 minutes in another, the burrito is overcooked.

1444.  You only have to raise your hand if you have a question.  You don’t have to keep your hand down if you don’t!

1445.  Korpi:  Yessir!  You had a question?  Student:  Who, me?!  Korpi:  Yes, you!  Student:  No sir.  I was just scratching my face.  Korpi:  Yes, you may.  Thanks for asking.

1446.  Since marijuana became legal, the revenue generated from its sales has neared the billion dollar mark.  Since that time, too, the sale of Cheetos has increased dramatically.

Alliterations 

1.     My marvelous masters of math meddle in my mistakes, making my mishaps material for mathematical merriment.

2.     All arrays aren’t always arranged alphabetically

3.     Mathematical mastery mitigates matriculation misery.

4.     Determining Derivatives Demands Dedicated, Diligent Disciples.

5.     Sleeping Students Sometimes Salivate Sloppily on Schoolwork.

6.     Homework helps hone helpful habits.

7.     Confidently calculating complex calculus computations commands committed concentration.

8.     Learning limits lightly is, loosely, lunacy.

9.     Intimately investigation infinitesimals introduces initiates and ingrates to infinite ideas.

10. Participation prepares people positively for purposeful pursuits.

11. Most matters of math muster the mind’s mighty muscle.

12. Knowing numbers is a non-negotiable necessity.

13. Proving postulates purports painstaking persistence and presupposes patience.

14. Educators endure enormous entourages of energetic ensembles.

15. Alliteration almost automatically alleviates ailments . . . Anyways . . .

16. Painful persistence pertaining to particular procedures promotes prolonged procurement of proper practices.

17. Functions form the fundamental foundations of finite formulas for finding forces.

18. Fall finals foster fear for fatuous fellows who frantically forget formulas.

19. Starting spring semesters signal salient, sallying sounds of seniors singing saporous, seductive songs of summer.

20. Trig’s tricky triangular tasks take time to tackle triumphantly.

21. The real roots of romance aren’t reason or ‘rithmetic, rather reducible to raw, robust regard for roses.

22. The terminable task of taking the TAKS test is torturous and taxing, though tacitly tolerable.