Good Acerbic Quotes
Sir,
I admit your gen'ral rule
That every poet is a fool:
But you yourself may serve to show it,
That every fool is not a poet.—Alexander Pope
A
politician is a man who can be verbose in fewer words than anyone else.—Peter
de Vries
Growing
old is like being increasingly penalised for a crime you haven't
committed.—Anthony Powell
If
you can imagine a man having a vasectomy without anaesthetic to the sound of
frantic sitar-playing, you will have some idea of what popular Turkish music is
like.—Bill Bryson
I
worship the quicksand he walks in.—Art Buchwald
All
progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism
to live beyond its income.—Samuel Butler
You
mean apart from my own?—Zsa
Zsa Gabor, When asked how many husbands she has had
Men
enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.—C
Northcote Parkinson
Wagner
has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.—Gioacchino Rossini
If
a man runs after money, he's money-mad; if he keeps it, he's a capitalist; if he
spends it, he's a playboy; if he doesn't get it, he's a ne'er-do-well; if he
doesn't try to get it, he lacks ambition. If he gets it without working for it,
he's a parasite; and if he accumulates it after a lifetime of hard work, people
call him a fool who never got anything out of life.—Vic Oliver
There
was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for
one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the
process of a rational mind... Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane
if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was
crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had
to.—Joseph Heller
What
is a modern poet's fate?
To
write his thoughts upon a slate;
The
critic spits on what is done,
Gives
it a wipe and all is gone.—Thomas Hood
Je
suis Marxiste - tendance Groucho.
I
am a Marxist - of the Groucho tendency.—Anonymous
I
love living. I have some problems with my life, but living is the
best thing they've come up with so far.—Neil Simon
A
liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.—Robert
Frost
I
had the radio on.—Marilyn Monroe, When asked
if she really had nothing on in the famous calendar photograph:
The
fountain of youth is dull as paint.
Methuselah
is my favourite saint.
I've
never been so comfortable before,
Oh
I'm so glad I'm not young any more.—Alan Jay Lerner
The
only place you can wake up in the morning and hear the birds coughing in the
trees.—Joe Frisco , talking about Hollywood
I
have often wished I had time to cultivate modesty... But I am too busy thinking
about myself.—Edith Sitwell
Life
is something to do when you can't get to sleep.—Fran Lebowitz
Our
days will be so ecstatic
Our
nights will be so exotic
For
I'm a neurotic erratic
And
you're an erratic erotic.—E Y Harburg
Love
conquers all things - except poverty and toothache.—Mae West
Madam,
you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands
- and all you can do is scratch it.—Thomas Beecham, To a cellist
I
feel as I always have, except for an occasional heart attack.—Robert Benchley,
Returning
for his 25th homecoming at Harvard in 1937
If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract - teach him to deduct.—Fran Lebowitz
I have nothing against undertakers personally. It's just that I
wouldn't want one to bury my sister.—Jessica Mitford
I
know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with
intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings
diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.—Victoria Wood
The
policy of the Government is not to reduce the speed of motor cars (for that
would be fantastic and fatal), but to increase the speed of pedestrians. It is
hoped to educate the pedestrians to such a degree of alertness and alacrity that
he will at last approximate to the hen.—A P Herbert, written
in 1935
This
very remarkable man
Commends
a most practical plan:
You
can do what you want
If
you don't think you can't,
So
don't think you can't think you can.—Charles Inge
...
everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.—Will Rogers
I
get paid for seeing that my clients have every break the law allows. I have
knowingly defended a number of guilty men. But the guilty never escape
unscathed. My fees are sufficient punishment for anyone.—F. Lee Bailey
Sirs,
I have tested your machine. It adds a new terror to life and makes death a
long-felt want.—Herbert Beerbolm Tree, A
critic writes about the gramophone (1956)
God
is not dead but alive and working on a much less ambitious project.—Anonymous
[Friends
are] "God's apology for relations.—Hugh Kingsmill
I'm
amazed he was such a good shot.—Noel Coward, On being told his accountant had
blown his brains out
He
had all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.—Sam Houston
Either
he's dead, or my watch has stopped.—Groucho Marx
My
spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in
the wrong places.—A A Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)
With
history one can never be certain, but I think I can safely say that Aristotle
Onassis would not have married Mrs. Khrushchev.—Gore Vidal, Asked
what would have happened in 1963 had Khrushchev and not Kennedy been
assassinated
In
'29 when the banks went bust, Our coins still read 'In God We Trust'.—E Y
Harburg
With
kindness.—George S. Kaufman, on how he would kill himself
Everything's
getting on top of me. I can't switch off. I've got a self-cleaning oven - I have
to get up in the night to see if it's doing it.—Victoria Wood
I
can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a
humorous resignation.—W. Somerset Maugham
What
is a highbrow? He is a man who has found something more interesting than
women.—Edgar Wallace (1932)
Frazier
is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild
Life.—Muhammad Ali
It
takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart:
one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.—Mark Twain
If
you haven't got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.—Alice
Roosevelt Longworth
The
best fame is a writer's fame: it's enough to get a table in a good restaurant,
but not enough that you get interrupted when you eat.—Fran Lebowitz
People
wish their enemies dead - but I do not; I say give them the gout, give them the
stone!—Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
'There's
been an accident,' they said,
'Your
servant's cut in half; he's dead!'
'Indeed!'
said Mr Jones, 'and please,
Send
me the half that's got my keys.'—Harry Graham
Billy,
in one of his nice new sashes,
Fell
in the fire and was burnt to ashes;
Now,
although the room grows chilly,
I
haven't the heart to poke poor Billy..—Harry Graham
If
one hears bad music it is one's duty to drown it in conversation.—Oscar Wilde
Television
is simultaneously blamed, often by the same people, for worsening the world and
for being powerless to change it.—Clive James
Should
not the Society of Indexers be known as Indexers, Society of, The ?—Keith
Waterhouse
You're
not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.—Dean Martin
I
used to think I was an interesting person, but I must tell you how sobering a
thought it is to realise your life's story fills about thirty-five pages and you
have, actually, not much to say.—Roseanne Arnold
Ich
bin Berliner. (I am a donut.)—John F. Kennedy, meaning to say “Ich bin EIN
Berliner,” (I am a Berliner. Berliner
is the German name for a donut.
I
am stuck in the back of a car with a woman who has the political views of Attila
the Hun and I'm about to let her have it between the hat.—Alan Ayckbourn
More
than any other time in history, mankind faces a cross-roads. One path leads to
despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we
have the wisdom to choose correctly.—Woody Allen
A:
I play it the company way
Where
the company puts me, there I'll stay.
B:
But what is your point of view?
A:
I have no point of view!
Supposing
the company thinks... I think so too!—Frank Loesser ('The Company Way')
My
only regret in the theatre is that I could never sit out front and watch
me.—John Barrymore (Actor)
If
you have nothing to say, or, rather, something extremely stupid and obvious, say
it, but in a 'plonking' tone of voice - ie roundly, but hollowly and
dogmatically.—Stephen Potter, In a book called Lifemanship, written in 1950
But
I'm not so think as you drunk I am.—J.C. Squire
Hollywood:
They know only one word of more than one syllable here and that is fillum.—Louis
Sherwin
Actually,
there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best
thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later
will be amusing.—P.J. O'Rourke
I'm
really very fond of Tom but he really is terribly heavy going. Like running up a
hill in roller skates.—Alan Ayckbourn
I
have had some extremely endearing bulls. I had one Ayrshire bull down in Kent
who was extremely friendly. One day he walked into a wedding reception in the
village hall. He was, of course, perfectly harmless but caused a bit of a panic.
I believe he also knocked over the wedding cake.—Lord Massereene and Ferrard
What
is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set, ingenious machine
for turning, with infinite artfulness, the red wine of Shiraz into urine?—Isak
Dinesen (1934)
The
fun of talk is to find what a man really thinks, and then contrast it with the
enormous lies he has been telling all dinner, and, perhaps, all his
life.—Benjamin Disraeli
One
day they may tell you you will not go far,
That
night you open and there you are.
Next
day on your dressing room
They
hang a star!
Let's
go on with the show!—Irving Berlin
I'm
tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep
enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?—Jean Kerr
A
way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question.—Albert
Camus, Definition
of charm
No
matter how politely or distinctly you ask a Parisian a question he will persist
in answering you in French.—Fran Lebowitz
I
would earnestly warn you against trying to find out the reason for and
explanation of everything... To try and find out the reason for everything is
very dangerous and leads to nothing but disappointment and dissatisfaction,
unsettling your mind and in the end making you miserable.—Queen Victoria
(1883)
A
loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.—Ronald
Knox, Definition
of a baby
Put
all your eggs in one basket - and WATCH THAT BASKET.—Mark Twain
The
best that can be said for Norwegian television is that it gives you the
sensation of a coma without the worry and inconvenience.—Bill Bryson
A
bore is simply a nonentity who resents his humble lot in life, and seeks
satisfaction for his wounded ego by forcing himself on his betters.—HL Mencken
Blurbs
that appear on the back cover and in the advertisements recommending the book in
glowing terms... are written by friends of the author who haven't read the book
but owe the poor guy a favour.—Art Buckwald
Nobody
expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise - surprise and
fear... fear and surprise... out two weapons are fear and surprise - and
ruthless efficiency... our three weapons are fear and surprise and
ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.. our four...
Amongst our weapons - amongst our weaponry - are such elements as fear,
surprise... I'll come in again.—Graham Chapman, John Cleese (Monty Python)
You
talked animatedly for some time about language being the aniseed trail that
draws the hounds of heaven when the metaphysical fox has gone to earth; he must
have thought you were barmy.—Tom Stoppard
If
you're going through hell, keep going.—Sir Winston Churchill
First
they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you
win.—Mahatma Gandhi
Keep
away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do
that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become
great.—Mark Twain
A
lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants
on.—Sir Winston Churchill
A
true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows
that you are slightly cracked.—Bernard Meltzer
Not
everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be
counted.—Albert Einstein
A
positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough
people to make it worth the effort.—Herm Albright
What
can be more palpably absurd than the prospect held out of locomotives traveling
twice as fast as stagecoaches?—The Quarterly Review, England (March 1825)
While
theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and
financially I consider it an impossibility, a development of which we need waste
little time dreaming.—Lee DeForest (American radio pioneer)
Heavier-than-air
flying machines are impossible.—Lord Kelvin, British mathematician and
physicist
There
is no need for any individual to have a computer in their home.--Ken Olson,
1977, President, Digital Equipment Corp.
I
think there is a world market for maybe five computers.—Thomas Watson,
chairman of IBM, 1943.
A
fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.—Sir
Winston Churchill
He
has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.—Sir Winston
Churchill
If
A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work, Y
is play, Z is keep your mouth shut.—Albert Einstein
My
formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at
night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.—Cary Grant
Maybe
all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.—Arthur Miller
Life
does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious
when people laugh.—George Bernard Shaw
It
is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.—George Bernard Shaw
Martyrdom:
The only way a man can become famous without ability.—George Bernard Shaw
Virtue
is insufficient temptation.—George Bernard Shaw
How
young can you die of old age?—Steven Wright
You
know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what
else you could do while you're down there.—George Burns
If
you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that
age.—George Burns
First
the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after
me.—Steve Martin
Talking
about music is like dancing about architecture.—Steve Martin
I'm
always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to
be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't
know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?—Paul Merton
I
told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the
hell off my property."—Joan Rivers
I'm
a hero with coward's legs.—Spike Milligan
It's
too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world
could use a few people like that.—Alan Alda
Eighty
percent of success is showing up.—Woody Allen
I
took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It
involves Russia.—Woody Allen
Sex
is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take
the meal seriously.—Woody Allen
It's
lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in
myself.—Muhammad Ali
Life
is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms
and legs in car accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die,
some get hurt, some go on. You just don't let yourself believe it will happen to
you.—Muhammad Ali
The
fight is won or lost far away from witnesses - behind the lines, in the gym, and
out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights.—Muhammad Ali
There
are four stages in a marriage. First there's the affair, then the marriage, then
children and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman,
the divorce.—Norman Mailer
Ultimately
a hero is a man who would argue with the gods, and so awakens devils to contest
his vision. The more a man can achieve, the more he may be certain that the
devil will inhabit a part of his creation.—Norman Mailer
Writing
books is the closest men ever come to childbearing.—Norman Mailer
I,
not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which
it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one
day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.—Groucho Marx
Well,
Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east
and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they
taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.—Groucho
Marx
People
from a planet without flowers would think we must be mad with joy the whole time
to have such things about us.—Iris Murdoch
You'd
be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!—Dolly Parton
I
grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the
bathroom.—Bob Hope
Don't
wait. The time will never be just right.—Napoleon Hill
I
don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please
everyone.—Bill Cosby
This
is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated
philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is
kindness.—Dalai Lama
Most
people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being
happy.—Robert Anthony
Be
happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead.—Anonymous
I've
always made a total effort, even when the odds seemed entirely against me. I
never quit trying; I never felt that I didn't have a chance to win.—Arnold
Palmer
He
who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question
remains a fool forever.—Chinese Proverb
Teachers
open the door, but you must enter by yourself.—Chinese Proverb
Don't
let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he
was.—Richard L. Evans
USA:
"Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence
punctuated by committee meetings.—George Will
The
guy with the biggest stomach will be the first to take off his shirt at a
baseball game.—Glenn Dickey
The
minute you start talking about what you're going to do if you lose, you have
lost.—George Shultz
Don't
be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small
jumps.—David Lloyd George
But
man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated.—Ernest
Hemingway
I
argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any
topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties.
Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.—Dave Barry
You
can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have
roses.—Ziggy
Success
in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on
intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.—Sloan Wilson
Defeat
is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.—George E.
Woodberry
Courage
is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more
important than fear.—Ambrose Redmoon
Humor
distorts nothing, and only false Gods are laughed off their earthly
pedestals.—Agnes Repplier
Live
as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.—Mahatma
Gandhi
It's
kind of fun to do the impossible.—Walt Disney
It
suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up
my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't
feel like a giant. I felt very, very small.—Neil Armstrong
No
one is so generous as he who has nothing to give.—French Proverb
We
are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts,
we make the world.—Buddha
There's
no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from
there.—Colonel Sanders
When
you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who
weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.—Norm Crosby
There
are no passengers on spaceship earth. We are all crew.—Marshall McLuhan
Not
all who wander are lost.—J. R. R. Tolkien
If
you want a symbolic gesture, don't burn the flag; wash it.—Norman Thomas
Use
what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except
those that sang best.—Henry Van Dyke
A
kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become
superfluous.—Ingrid Bergman
Never
ascribe to an opponent motives meaner than your own.—John M. Barrie
Laws
are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made.—Otto von Bismark
A
successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that
others throw at him.—David Brink
My
riches consist not in the extent of my possessions, but in the fewness of my
wants.—J. Brotherton
People
take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not
on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.—H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Find
a job you like and you add five days to every week.—H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Talent
does what it can; genius does what it must.—Edward George Bulwer-Lytton
We
are the people our parents warned us about.—Jimmy Buffett
Most
of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have
kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.—Dale Carnegie
It
is not for him to pride himself who loveth his own country, but rather for him
who loveth the whole world. The earth is but one country and mankind its
citizens.—Baha'u'llah
When
I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it,
but for the sake of defending those that do.—William Blake
Freedom
is that instant between when someone tells you to do something and when you
decide how to respond.—Dr. Jeffrey Borenstein
Destiny
is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be
waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.—William Jennings Bryan
Don't
walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.—Albert Camus
In
the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible
summer.—Albert Camus
The
most wasted day of all is that during which we have not laughed.—Sebastian R.
N. Chamfort
If
writers were good businessmen, they'd have too much sense to be writers.—Irvin
S. Cobb
When
one buys some of my artwork I hope it is because they will wish to learn from it
and not because they think it will match their drapes!—Christian Cardell
Corbet
We
are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only
end.—Benjamin Disraeli
You
will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly
lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.—Henry
Drummond
Shyness
has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform,
is truly important to other people.—André Dubus
When
I was a small boy growing up in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing and
as we sat there in the warmth of a summer afternoon on a riverbank we talked
about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I told him that I wanted to be a
real major-league baseball player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner. My
friend said that he'd like to be President of the United States. Neither of us
got our wish.—Dwight D. Eisenhower
Success
seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.—William
Feather
To
accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan,
but also believe.—Anatole France
Men
for the sake of getting a living forget to live.—Margaret Fuller
I
learned that if you want to make it bad enough, no matter how bad it is, you can
make it.—Gale Sayers
Diamonds
are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs.—Malcolm
Stevenson Forbes
The
world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers and cities; but to
know someone here and there who thinks and feels with us, and though distant, is
close to us in spirit - this makes the earth for us an inhabited
garden.—Johann von Goethe
The
advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth
which it prevents you from achieving.—Russell Green
The
fireworks begin today. Each diploma is a lighted match. Each one of you is a
fuse.—Ed Koch
He's
called a broker because after you deal with him you are.—Anonymous
Auditors
are the troops who watch a battle from the safety of a hillside and, when the
battle is over, come down to count the dead and bayonet the wounded.—Anonymous
I
have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.—Name
withheld - Major US comedy actor to major US singer/actress
Hollywood
is where the stars twinkle, then wrinkle.—Victor Mature
I
knew her before she was a virgin.—Oscar Levant on Doris Day
You
look like a million dollars - all green and wrinkled.—Joseph Rosenbloom
I
once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men
don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got
themselves caught in a zipper.—Emo Philips
You
can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war they kill you in a new
way.—Will Rogers
There
is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to
have either a clear conscience or none at all.—Ogden Nash
Never
go to a doctor whose office plants have died.—Erma Bombeck
It's
a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't
eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for
eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.—William
Faulkner
To
find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.—Benjamin Franklin
I'm
on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!—Tommy Cooper
When
I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The
Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.—Emo
Philips
Happiness
is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in
the drill.—Johnny Carson
The
wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave." I
said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea.—Les Dawson
When
I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.—Rita
Rudner
Whenever
I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their
weekends with?—Rita Rudner
I
think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.—Rita Rudner
Expecting
the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a
bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.—Dennis Wholey
Politics'
is made up of two words. 'Poli,' which is Greek for 'many,' and 'tics,' which
are bloodsucking insects.—Gore Vidal
I
know that God won't give me more trouble than I can handle ... but sometimes I
wish he wouldn't trust me so much.—Mother Teresa
I
am a part of all that I have met.—Alfred Lord Tennyson
If
everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be
peace.—John Lennon
I'm
not afraid of death because I don't believe in it. It's just getting out of one
car, and into another.—John Lennon
When
your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to
do: kick over the table.—Dean Martin
After
enlightenment, the laundry.—Zen proverb
No
snowflake ever falls in the wrong place.—Zen proverb
A
man should live if only to satisfy his curiosity.—Yiddish proverb
Life
is like an onion. Why is life like an onion? Because
you peel away layer after layer and when you come to the end you have
nothing.—Yiddish proverb
Start
every day off with a smile and get it over with.—W.C. Fields
There
is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have
often found in traveling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift
one's position, and be bruised in a new place.—Washington Irving
A
tart temper never mellows with age; and a sharp tongue is the only edged tool
that grows keener with constant use.—Washington Irving
Happiness
is good health and a bad memory.—Victor Borge
We
didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.—Vince Lombardi
Winning
is not everything, but wanting to win is.—Vince Lombardi
A
cat will look down to a man. A dog will look up to a man. But a pig will look
you straight in the eye and see his equal.—Anonymous
I
am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step
forward.—Thomas Edison
Many
of life's failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success
when they gave up.—Thomas Edison
I
never did a day's work in my life, it was all fun.—Thomas Edison
When
you ain't got no money, you gotta get an attitude.—Richard Prior
A
friend is a present you give yourself.—Robert Louis Stevenson
To
travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive.—Robert Louis Stevenson
Women
complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the
month I can be myself.—Roseanne Barr
Euphemisms
are not, as many young people think, useless verbiage for that which can and
should be said bluntly; they are like secret agents on a delicate mission, they
must airily pass by a stinking mess with barely so much as a nod of the head,
make their point of constructive criticism and continue on in calm forbearance.
Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne.—Quentin Crisp
Never
keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.—Quentin
Crisp
We
must use time wisely and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do
right.—Nelson Mandela
Few
men know how to kiss well. Fortunately, I've always had time to teach
them.—Mae West
I
got a simple rule about everybody. If you don't treat ‘em right -- shame on
you!—Louis Armstrong
If
you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.—Katharine Hepburn
I
think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except
yourself.—Rita Mae Brown
I
have a spelling checker
It
came with my PC;
It
plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes
I cannot sea.
I've
run this poem threw it,
I'm
sure your pleased too no,
Its
letter perfect in it's weigh,
My
checker tolled me sew—Jane Minor
The
most delightful advantage of being bald - one can hear snowflakes.—R.G Daniels
If
die I must, let me die drinking in an inn.—Walter Map
I
feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's
the best they are going to feel all day.—Dean Martin
I
used to be Snow White - but I drifted.—Mae West
Consumer
capitalism has eaten up the Church, the state, trade unions, extended families,
everywhere that people learn morality.—Irvine Walsh
[Definition
of] Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.—Ambrose Bierce
Anarchy
may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at
all.—Anonymous
The
nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it's
their fault.—Henry Kissinger
Courage
- or putting it more accurately, lack of fear - is a result of discipline. By an
act of will, a man refuses to think of the reasons for fear, and so concentrates
entirely on winning the battle.—Richard Nixon
A
painter paints, a musician plays, a writer writes - but a movie actor
waits.—Mary Astor
It
is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want
apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.—PG Wodehouse
I
want to register a complaint. Do you know who sneaked into my room at three
o'clock this morning? - Who?
Nobody, and that's my complaint.—Groucho Marx
Never
go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.—Phyllis Diller
Artificial
Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in
movies.—Anonymous
Believe
nothing of what you hear, and only half of what you see.—Anonymous
I
think that I shall never see
A
billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed,
unless the billboards fall
I'll
never see a tree at all.—Ogden Nash
Come
quickly, I am tasting stars!—Dom Perignon,on
discovering champagne
A
well balanced person has a drink in each hand.—Billy Connolly
It
is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or
tedious.—Oscar Wilde
A
committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.—Sir Herbert
Beerbohm Tree
The
bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey.—Brian Johnston, Classic cricket
commentary comedy
It
is difficult but not impossible to conduct strictly honest business. What is
true is that honesty is incompatible with the amassing of a large fortune.—Gandhi
Creativity
is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to
keep.—Scott Adams
One
cannot review a bad book without showing off—W.H. Auden
Distrust
yourself, and sleep before you fight. 'Tis not too late tomorrow to be
brave.—Dr John Armstrong
A
celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, and then
wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.—Fred Allen
To
my daughter Leonora without whose never failing sympathy and encouragement this
book would have been finished in half the time.—P.G. Wodehouse, Dedication
Experience
teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, particularly if he
adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.—Clifton Fadiman
Yes,
once - many, many years ago. I thought I had made a wrong decision. Of course,
it turned out that I had been right all along. But I was wrong to have thought
that I was wrong.—John Foster Dulles
This
is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.—David Fincher
Fine
words butter no parsnips.—Proverb
Asking
a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it
feels about dogs.—Christopher Hampton
Loneliness
is the poverty of soul; solitude is the richness of self.—May Sarton
In
the arts, the critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is
advertising.—Pauline Kael
Where
were you fellows when the paper was blank?—Fred Allen, Remarking to writers
who heavily edited his script...
A
critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car.—Kenneth
Tynan
The
only really happy people are married women and single men.—H.L Mencken
Never
eat anything at one sitting that you can't lift.—Miss Piggy
Only
good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have the time.—Tallulah Bankhead
Tears
are sometime an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived
completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct
response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile.—Julie Burchill
He
reminds me of the man who murdered both his parents, and then, when sentence was
about to be pronounced, pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an
orphan.—Abraham Lincoln
An
expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow
field.—Edward Teller
This
is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great
force.—Dorothy Parker
Unless
the bastards have the courage to give you unqualified praise, I say ignore
them.—John Steinbeck, On critics
The
best number for a dinner party is two: myself and a damn good head waiter.—Nubar
Gulbenkian
I've
always thought a hotel ought to offer optional small animals... I mean a cat to
sleep on your bed at night, or a dog of some kind to act pleased when you come
in. You ever notice how a hotel room feels so lifeless?—Anne Tyler
The
airplane stays up because it doesn't have the time to fall.—Orville Wright,
Explaining how powered flight works
Intellect
is invisible to the man who has none.—Arthur Schopenhauer
Jealousy
is all the fun you think they had.—Erica Jong
Here
lies a poor woman who always was tired,
For
she lived in a place where help wasn't hired.
Her
last words on earth were, Dear friends I am going
where
washing ain't done nor sweeping nor sewing.
And
everything there is exact to my wishes,
For
there they don't eat and there's no washing of dishes...
Don't
mourn for me now, don't mourn for me never,
For
I'm going to do nothing for ever and ever.—Epitaph
Here
lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder.
She
burst while drinking a seidlitz powder.
Called
from the world to her heavenly rest,
She
should have waited till it effervesced.—Epitaph
I
know I am God because when I pray to Him I find I'm talking to myself.—Peter
Barnes
One
should try everything once, except incest and folk-dancing.—Sir Arnold Bax
Enjoy
life. There's plenty of time to be dead.—Anonymous
I
loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite
people themselves.—Sir Geoffrey Hugh Benbow Streatfield
A
rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.—W.C. Fields
Being
young is not having any money; being young is not minding not having any
money.—Katharine Whitehorn
An
atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.—John Buchan
It
took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I
couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.—Robert Benchley
Be
nice to people on your way up because you'll meet 'em on your way down.—Wilson
Mizner
It
is a pity that the composer did not leave directions as to how flat he really
did want it sung.—Anonymous
We
didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.—Bobby
Robson
I
love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paper work.—Peter de Vries
Commuter
- one who spends his life
In
riding to and from his wife;
A
man who shaves and takes a train,
And
then rides back to shave again.—E.B White
Traffic
is like a bad dog. It isn't important to look both ways when crossing the
street. It's important to not show fear.—P.J O'Rourke
There
was laughter in the back of the theatre, leading to the belief that someone was
telling jokes back there.—George S. Kaufman
Don't
clap too hard - it's a very old building.—John
Osborne
It's
true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance?—Ronald
Reagan
You
can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.—Dorothy Parker
He
that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it, hath already
committed breakfast with it in his heart.—C.S. Lewis
I
do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I
strongly object when they start shaking them to make certain they are still
going.—Lord Birkett
Opera
is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.—Ed
Gardner
My
God! She looks like I do in a spoon!—Mrs Patrick Campbell
I
never climbed any ladder: I have achieved eminence by sheer gravitation.—George
Bernard Shaw
It
is better to waste one's youth than to do nothing with it at all.—Georges
Courteline
Whom
the Gods wish to destroy they first call promising.—Cyril Connolly
The
world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit. Try,
if you can, to belong to the first class. There's far less competition.—Dwight
Morrow
A
Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.—WC Fields
My
good man, I'm not a strawberry!—Edward VII, To a footman who had accidentally spilt
cream over him
If,
of all words of tongue and pen,
The
saddest are, 'It might have been,'
More
sad are these we daily see:
'It
is, but hadn't ought to be!—Bret
Harte
All
you have to do is keep the five players who hate your guts away from the five
who are undecided.—Casey Stengel, How to be a baseball manager
The
thing about sport, any sport, is that swearing is very much part of it.—Jimmy
Greaves
The
rain, it raineth on the just
And
also on the unjust fella:
But
chiefly on the just, because
The
unjust steals the just's umbrella.—Lord Bowen
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.—Margot Asquith
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