*12 Days of Christmas* Re-Examined in Light of Competition
Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.
The
partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the
cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing
savings in maintenance costs.
The
two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned.
The positions are, therefore, eliminated.
The
three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number
of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using
illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the
company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet
federal residency requirements.
The
four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a
call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have
been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this information is
determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs of any
inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck.
The
five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.
The
six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It
has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is
an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and
an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will
assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The
seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their
outplacement.
As
you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by
the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring, or a-motoring.
Nine
ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased
out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let me
hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination. Should
these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary retirement,
rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense against an
employee lawsuit.
Ten
Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due to the
number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.
Eleven
pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band
getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new
music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line.
Though
incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day,
service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in
the use of part-time personnel.
Happy
Holidays!
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